Options for moving out at 18 as a closeted gay teen?

Hey -

So I've been getting kind of sick of my family lately. They want me to go to college next year, but they also want me to sign this stuff about how I'm going to get at LEAST an A average in all my courses, report back to them routinely about coursework, etc., and this would be at an elite school, because they believe I'm capable of getting into a top 20 school (meaning if I don't get admitted to at least a top 20 school I'm a failure anyway and they'll be even angrier at me). It goes without saying that I'm gay, and have tried to talk to them about the fact that I'm gay, and they haven't exactly responded very well. My dad has openly been very vicious and explicit about the fact that if I "choose" to be gay he'll have nothing more to do with me at best, and will try to punish me by hurting the girl I love at worst. He's told my sister that if I marry a girl he won't pay for the wedding. My mom just doesn't talk about me being gay, mostly, so that's how it is.

Anyway, I know this sounds like a first world girl whining about her first world problems, but I'm sick and tired of everyone expecting things of me - going to a good university, getting a degree in STEM, marrying someone educated who's a man and having all his babies - and I know there's something I can do about it. Legally, I can move out when I turn 18 this summer, without any penalty - I won't be returned to my household or possibly arrested as a runaway, for example. But there's a catch. If I do this, I'm 1000% sure my parents won't support me in any way at all. I'll be free, but utterly penniless. I'd be an eighteen-year-old dropout - not even from a real school, because my father has homeschooled me from day one. There's no one I can stay with until and unless I DO manage to find a job - as an introvert and a homeschooled student, I don't have many contacts, and there's only one I can think of who would be okay with helping me, but I really, really don't want to impose on him, because his family already has more than enough burdens without me. Since my parents didn't want me to get a job as a teenager (my dad said his homeschooling me was far more valuable than any job experience could be), I really don't have any credentials whatsoever. And I can't even prove that I finished high school, because my father controls all the paperwork and records for that (and has threatened to change all my grades to Fs when I haven't learned something well enough, or have seemed disrespectful, or when he's had a fight with Mom, or when I don't do all my homework...okay, that last one would be kind of fair). The point is, all my life I've been told that I'm smart and have lots of potential, but that I've never worked up to that potential - because I don't pay enough attention to school, because I'm lazy, because I'm not interested in academics for the sake of academics, you get the idea - and so my parents believe that, without their help, I'll crash and burn in college or at a job. Since I've never been to a real school or worked at a job, I only have my parents' word to go off of, so I'm inclined to believe they're right and it would be disastrous if I tried to strike off on my own at 18 - with no money, no less.

So here's the dilemma. I don't actually mind the idea of college in and of itself - despite the fact that my parents tell me that I must really not want to go to college, because I work so badly with my father in our own schooling. I would like to tell my father, who's really my only teacher, that I've spoken to friends and even their toughest teachers don't act the way he does - they want their students to learn and will become stern if they aren't doing well enough, but they don't threaten to out students or move them to foster care if they don't like how they're doing (or to keep them from going to college if they're disrespectful or forgetful - which my father told me last night). Most of all, I want to be able to live freely as an out gay person, and to not constantly be afraid that my father will do something terrifying if I so much as breathe a word about being gay. But I know that I won't be able to go to college AND come out from under my father's shadow; if I go to university for four years, it'll be four more years of living by his rules (after all, he is paying for it, and it costs a pretty penny - well, mostly a pretty penny my mother made, since she's earned over ninety percent of the income in this household, but...you get the point). So either I do this, and continue being terrified of him and feeling like worthless shit for four more years, or I move out and try to make it on my own, which will be pretty hard, to say the least. I also don't want to just leave my mother (an amazing, strong person who's put up with my dad's shit for well over thirty years now), or my sister (who can get awfully wrapped up talking about boys, but is a good person; she doesn't deserve the wrath of my father, who does a lot of the same things to her, any more than anyone else). I feel torn, but it's been getting pretty bad lately, and I really want to stop feeling so helpless. I want to make a name for myself and do what I want, which is to get a job somewhere and write on the side, not go to a fancy big-name school on my parents' coin for four years. Someone else - someone who truly is passionate about STEM and research - deserves that spot at some excellent university so much more than I do, and I feel guilty about taking it from them just because my parents want me to do this. And even if dishonoring my parents' wishes and following my own path instead sounds selfish, I hate being so dependent, because being dependent makes me a burden on the people who say they don't want me as I am - gay, not academically passionate, etc. As a homeschooled kid, I'm literally barely ever out of the house (especially since we stopped doing some extracurriculars to focus on college applications) and I honestly can't remember the last time I spent more than an hour without my parents hovering over me, which is to say, reminding me of how much wasted potential I represent. I understand their disappointment in me, but I just can't see how to go on like this when all they seem to care about is how far I am from who they want me to be, not how far I've come in being who I am.

So these are my options. Any thoughts? Especially if you've already done something like this, I'd like to know if it is, in fact, doable. Not nice, necessarily, but doable. If not, does anyone who's been in the same position as I am have any tips on how to be mature about this while I'm still at home?

Thanks -
Miri

 

Update - not too much has changed in their overall behavior, but something happened this evening - my dad was talking about how little I seem to care about going to college after he caught me working on art in my notebook a little during lecture time (yes, I know, dumb), and he said that if I wanted to go to college just to find a lesbian lover, I could do that without him having to pay for it. I reckoned the cat was out of the bag at that point, so I asked what he'd do if I was gay, and he said he'd still talk to me, but wouldn't pretend that it wasn't wrong. On the one hand, it doesn't mean he'll disown me, I guess; on the other, he seems to think it's just a phase. He still tells me I'm a failure who doesn't deserve to go to college and all the rest of it, so that hasn't changed.

Mom and Dad later dragged me out of bed to look at some old posts I'd made two years ago, privately, on Google plus, where they made fun of how many posts I made about girls I found cute, and said it seemed like a "lesbian come-on". Gee, I wonder why? Anyway, they actually didn't dwell too long on the fact that I just told them, yes, I'm gay, so the rest of the night was mostly spent telling me why I don't have any friends and how manipulative and selfish I am for saying I'll change, I'll even stop talking about the fact that I'm gay, I just wish they'd give me a little love and kindness sometimes instead of always being angry and disappointed in me.

I know everyone keeps telling me that they aren't right to say this but it's harder and harder not to believe them. It's true that I've been far from the daughter they want and perhaps deserve - I daydream constantly, I don't work hard enough in school (even though I end up learning a lot anyway, because my dad teaches me advanced stuff and my memory is such that I remember a lot even if I don't try hard), and when they get angry at me I find it harder and harder to just keep my mouth shut. Tonight I got angry at my father, after he made fun of all the posts I made about girls, and said "fuck you" to him. And it isn't respectful, and it isn't kind, and I can't help but wonder what kind of monster I've become. They tell me I'm uncaring and solipsistic, so locked into my fantasy world that I can't even see how wrong I am, and that if I did see the truth, I'd take their anger willingly, and I'd know this is the only way to love me. Part of me wants to think that love shouldn't hurt this much, but I don't know - I'm only seventeen, and they're my parents, and I can tell that they must love me in some way, even if I can't see it. It's so hard to know what's right and what's wrong right now, and honestly I'm just so tired.

On the bright side I got lucky with my college interviewer the other day - she's also gay, and about to celebrate twenty-five years with her partner. It makes me really happy to know others have been there, done that - and she offered to give me advice and guidance when I told her about my own sexuality, and even offered to read my writing on the subject and help me submit it to the university. She's very kind, and knowing I'll have an older adult figure there for me, who doesn't seem disgusted by my sexuality - or even the rest of me; she tells me I'm mature and intelligent, though I've got no idea why really - gives me hope for the future. So hurrah for that!

@Cory675 - the thing about my mom is she's a very admirable person, to me at least - a self-made doctor with a highly successful career, one of the first women to attend class at her college, a trailblazer in every sense of the word - but her attitude toward my overall performance is more or less like my father's, only less harsh. She agrees that I haven't worked up to my potential, that I'm not ready for college yet, and that, if I don't go to college, I'm pretty much a failure in life. She also isn't super supportive of my sexuality, though she's not as heavily opposed to it as my father. So...yeah. :c

@Bunny45 - my grandparents live fifteen hundred miles away, and my closest aunt/uncle are eighty miles away, and moreover would be scandalized by the thought of my living with them - I think. It's a good suggestion, but I don't think it would work in my case, especially seeing as I'd really hate to impose on another household, just because my parents are having conflicts with me in our own household. Thank you for the advice, though. I'm so glad to hear from all of you, really; it's very heartening to read, even though things are looking uncertain right now.