Open Marriage for the LGBTQ spouse

Yeah, this is huge. Seems like he never healed his own wounds and didn't learn how to trust again. It also seems that he replaced trust with controlling behavior like not "allowing" you to go to this meet up.

With this level of trauma and lack of self awareness from him, I would really caution you to be in a open relationship until he improves.

This is one of my favorite articles about how to open up a relationship which I think you might enjoy reading. One of the hardest lessons about non-monogamy is that we don't own our partners.

 

Wow! I can relate to this, but sort of on the other side. I think you describe how my wife feels about our intimacy. I do think it is really difficult for couples to maintain the lust after so many years.

In my case, I haven't lost it.

This is an excellent article. I'm going through this now as my wife retires. We used to have two, pretty separate, lives. Two houses two careers etc. I never had to "check in". Don't get me wrong, we spend more quality time together than any couple I know since we are both addicted to skiing, mountain biking, kitesurfing....

But, now my wife is ALWAYS with me and it makes the open relationship more of an issue. It almost seems like I ask permission now to see a friend.

The thing about open relationships is that they need to evolve with changing situations. I'm going to plan boy weekends with my friends that are completely mine.

One thing about my situation is my wife wants to meet my friends and I want her to know about them. So, we do activities that include my wife. She's going to teach my new friend how to ski for example. I don't know if this is a good idea or not.

 

Actually, I'm the one who wants my wife to share time with my boyfriends. Because there will be overlap in our schedules such as a boyfriend needing to stay in our guest house (we have a guest cottage above a garage in the house in the mountains). My last boyfriend and I climbed peaks and would need to get an early start...My wife also relates well to the younger guys I hang out with. I know this all sounds pretty weird and is very untraditional.... I have young boyfriends that I rock climb and canyoneer with that I sleep with who hang around the house...I'm trying to play matchmaker now with two of them because they would be so good together...My wife and I are very committed. But, I think what is often missed is that we define that relationships must follow a particular path. That there is a set behavior in relationships that is required for long term success. That even the way we express intimacy must have guidelines and rules. I just don't subscribe to this thinking because I see relationships fail all the time when they try to meet the societal defined metrics and I question the validity of our traditional monogamous society.

This is why honesty and communication rule.

 

Yeah. I sorta want to have my cake and eat it too. Or, in my case "have my Jake and Edith too"

Thanks for pointing out this discrepancy. I think the main thing is that I had SO much freedom that including my wife in my relationships was not a big deal. She just needed to know the guys and then I had plenty of time to myself with them without having to consider her schedule much. Now, she is scheduling "our time" pretty rigorously and that will need to stop. Thing is, when she likes my friends she is more apt to encourage me to spend time with them.

I also need to be aware of my male friends time and energy. I'm an active guy and so are my friends and so is my wife. If there is a big powder day I'm not going to say to my friend "I'm skiing with my wife". I'm going to say "spend the night in the guest house so we all get an earlier start". I know....strange.

 

Does your wife have sex with anyone else other than you?

 

No. She no longer is interested in sex since menopause. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have an open marriage.

 

You seems like gay and not bisexual.You only have boyfriends outside, not girlfriends.

 

Well. Relationships are not just about sex are they? I am sexually and romantically attracted to my wife and we still have a sex life. Just not as robust as I desire. Maybe once a month. We date each other, we dance, we hold each other's hands, I massage her, we kiss several times a day. We remain in love.

The other thing is that "I" feel a different with men than I do with women. I won't go into this right now because guys that are on the high end of the Kinsey Scale (more gay) don't like this and it has caused some sensitive discussions. Short version is that I can feel different things for different people and express them in different ways.

 

So you are like 90% into man and 10% into woman.You do not find any other woman attractive or fall in love with any other woman other than your wife.

 

I don't put myself in situations where I will "fall in love" with anyone else but my wife.

And, I'm probably more into women than men. But, it depends on the guy. Sure, a thirty year old hard body ski guy really gets my attention and I might have a fling with him. But, long term we both know it has a shelf life an that is quite all right with me.

 

Do you have any female friends?

 

Sound like demisexual.

 

Yes. I have a dozen female friends. Several, I am very attracted to sexually and my wife knows about the attraction. But, I don't let that attraction go any further. Although I have been asked by one husband to join them in a three way. Not my style.

 

Yep. I'm sorta like this too. I am learning, after keeping this bottled up for so long, that I am a very sexual person. I also really like human contact of any kind and intimate contact can be an expression of a lot of things...for me. But, I am also in an exploration mode that I never allowed myself to be in as a young person. So, that may be driving some of my feelings right now.

Have you asked your husband if this is enough? Can you provide him the intimacy that HE needs as a friend/partner?

 

Sex is not important in a relationship, relationship is about emotional love, not sex. People do not fall in love to have sex, if sex is all you need, you can just have a sex partner, not a romantic partner.

 

I disagree. Sex can be a very important expression of love. I know when my wife and I are intimate, it helps in all aspects of our relationship. Yes, you can have a, strictly, sexual relationship. I had one with a guy for awhile but I didn't like it and found it unfulfilling. But, don't underestimate the importance of intimacy in a relationship.