I hate my life. I really do. A sucky way to begin a post right? Yeah it is, but it's true. YOU would think that I should feel blessed having worked in professional theatre for two years and being accepted into a masters program. You would think I am the happiest person on the planet! Wrong! I most certainly am not, here I am going to college in some small conservative town that does not have a gay community. The only gay men in town or either closeted, taken AND still closeted or just in it for sex. The closest I get to civilization is a hour away where I have been honored with a few contractual event jobs on an occasion, however, I have to drive a hour back and forth. I have a friend I stay with from time to time and this weekend since I am flying back home for the holidays I found a cheap hotel to stay in. I'm so angry that I got a C in class I worked very hard in, the professor won't talk to me about it, in fact, she refuses to return emails. I knew I was struggling in this course and every time I wanted to meet with her she would tell me she was booked and couldn't talk to me until next week. Frankly I gave up, I gave up to the point I wrote her an email venting to her about her classroom management, disdain for students and how she ill prepares us for her exams. Of course she responded then and then sent the email to the chair of the department in which all three of us met about my comments. I was told that I shouldn't speak up towards a professor like that, I was also told by that professor that she would no longer listen to me when I had personal concerns, she would never listen to me if I had problems with other students, that I was closed off from her except for business matters. She has done a great job of shoving me aside that now I have just been on my own finding other faculty to seek advice from, she refuses to give me any sort of reference and refuses to help me with a direction post grad school because I called her out and spoke up against her. It has gotten so bad that I had to seek a campus advocate and talk to him. Finally after much complaints and aggravation the chair finally outlined in a clear, concise manner why I need to take her class next semester and why I need to rely on her to help me. Frankly because she is the only one qualified and appointed for those jobs. I'm so lonely, isolated ... last year I almost committed suicide because of a guy I met who basically pushed me into the mud after I cared so much for him. The funny part is that same professor who I am complaining about above came to my rescue, I'm sure she wishes she didn't now. I'm sure she regrets even taking me to the counselor and see that I was okay. As she was angry with me this year she made the response that what happened between him and I was all my fault and I showed him great disrespect. Ugh ... the moral of this post is that I have made complete enemies in three different states. None of this was suppose to happen like this. I am not suppose to have people hate me. How many people go to three different states, leave and say "I didn't make any close friends!" ? Probably not many and I'm sure it's just me and I'm sure I'm the minority. I freakin' almost 30, have never been in a serious relationship, have lived alone the last six years of my life. It's pathetic. When will I ever see any light to the end of the tunnel? My soul is dying. I have no empathy for anyone. I do not like to be touched or people getting close to me. Whenever anyone gets close to me I push them away. I'm hopeless. The counselor I use to see at school told me at the beginning of the year he cannot help me anymore and I'm on my own to find outside resources. Maybe what I felt a year ago I should have gone through with it? I hate being gay, I have no clue who I am. I just totally invisible to myself and the world. I really do not want to live like this anymore. I can't live like this anymore. I'm an awful awful person. I have to be! If I get people to hate me, I'm a awful person. Only awful people have people hate them. I just can't go on like this anymore.
Let me start this with a time line of my moves. 2009-2010: Georgia to Nebraska 2010-2011: Nebraska to Georgia to Florida to Missouri to Colorado to Tennessee to Michigan to Alabama 2011-2012: Alabama to Nebraska Ok now that you have timeline (and that doesn't count the cities within each state that I hopped around while there) I can honestly tell you that most of those states I didn't make close friends in. Not everyone is going to like you and yes, some people are going to hate you. I am sure I have pissed off more people in the past 3 years than I could even fathom naming, however; I don't give a shit. You can't make everyone happy. These people don't pay your bills and their input really doesn't matter unless you let it matter. Fuck 'em. If they are going to be assholes they don't need to be in your life anyways. You are better off without them. As for being lonely. You are only there until you finish school. Use this time to focus on school instead of being distracted. The glass isn't as empty as you think it is. You have this site where you can talk to other people who are in similar situations or even people that you just like talking to. I am a great person and I have a ton of people behind me that would say the same thing. Live life for you. Not for everyone else. Life isn't about walking on egg shells or avoiding toes. Accidents happen and people grow more and more everyday. They can get over it and love you for who you are or get the fuck out of your life. Don't dwell just keep your eyes forward.
