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One Step Forward, Two Steps Back?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by confusedkid, Jun 9, 2005.

  1. confusedkid

    confusedkid Guest

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    Hey everybody. I'm bored, and when I'm bored, that means that I get to thinkin'... but I decided that this time that I'd actually turn my thoughts into a post... yeah, so feel free to comment on whatever, I'm just puttin' stuff out there. It'd be cool if people did the same!

    Random thought numero uno: Why does it seem like the more steps that I take towards coming out fully and being a ful-fledged fag do I always start to have even more doubts about who I am... fucked up, ain't it? For example, I've told even more people I'm gay, gone to gay clubs, gay concerts, hit on and flirted with guys and yet I have this creeping notion... "could I still be straight? Do I just like guys because I've convinced myself that I'm gay, even though I'm not? I keep telling myself "no," that I'm just gay but the thoughts are still there... I think this is must be what a schizophrenic must feel like... they know what's just in their mind but sometimes end up actually believing that things that aren’t real really are… bah fuck this. And then to make matters worse, I *know* I’m gay, no use hiding it, but fuckin’ A, why do I still look at girls and wonder? I dunno, maybe I *am* attracted to them… why do I watch straight porn???… but no. I’m like a freakin’ Alzheimer’s patient… I know something sooo surely at one moment and then am completely insecure and confused the next… yeah, and it seems the more I’ve been coming out and stuff the worse the fears and thoughts have gotten… I mean, when I think about it, the idea of never having a falling in love with a girlfriend, getting married and having kids and a house in the suburbs kinda scares me. i'm sure the only reason it scares me is because it's what society and family wants everybody to do and I've always been able to do anything that I've set my mind to, except doing the whole nuclear family thing...

    Here’s the latest “fear” that was killing me last night… is sexuality fluid? Can we be genuinely straight for most of your life and then start to become gay in your 30s and 40s? Even 50s??? (And I’m not talking about guys who married just because they felt the pressure to live a “normal” life…) And if that’s possible, then can a person who’s gay start to become straight (like, seriously, not living a lie or anything like that, but genuinely become straight)??? See this is what I get thinking about… grrrrr I mean, if that can happen... well then fuck, anything would be possible then, wouldn't it? And then everything starts pouring in... IS this really a choice? I mean, I don't think so, but it could be!?! I mean, I like guys. But maybe I only like guys because I told myself I should... chicken or the egg? I see guys on some sites who say they're "straight" but still like dick and like jacking off with guys... uhh... doesn't that mean that they're at least bisexual or is it really possible to be straight but still get off with guys? Who the fuck knows... I mean, I don't want to get into a debate about how people get to be gay or anything like that, b/c really, it shoudln't matter. Not to compare being gay to a disease, but it's the best analogy I could come up with right now... is colon cancer genetic or the result of your environment? I don't think it matters too much to the person who has cancer how they got it, just the fact that they do is enough, right?

    I dunno, maybe it’s just something psychological/psychiatric with me… maybe it’s that the more I go forward with expressing who I am the more I fear not being able to retreat and go back… I just can’t understand how some guys, in their early teens and stuff, can be so sure about their sexuality and everything while I’m here at 20 and still going through this whole confusion stage (which at times I seriously think I’ve gotten out of… I mean, I probably wouldn’t be coming out to people and doing pride events if I wasn’t at least part of the way sure who I am…) I just hope that I’m not convincing or deluding myself into thinking one way or another and that me still looking at girls and wondering about any kind of attraction is just more of this fear manifesting itself into self-delusion… wow this totally sounds like a ton of bullshit psyhobabble! Hahaha oh well, like I said, I’m just writin’ out my thoughts…

    -CK
     
    #1 confusedkid, Jun 9, 2005
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2005
  2. goratrix

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    Yeah, posting here can really help you clear your thoughts... hell I should know!

    Ok. to quote Matrix: being 'the one' is like being inlove. And being gay is like being inlove... you just know it. When you see that perfect TV show couple, the sports jock and the tall blond barbie-like cheeleader... who do you stare at?

    You are trying to put labels into someting that doesn't have them. It's like trying to categorize tomatoes for what shade of red they are. (weird analogy!). They are all red! some are one shade, some are another. With people it's the same. Some gay guys are all girly, some you couldn't tell from a straight guy. Some striaght guys are all girly as well... so there is not a behaviour rule you use to verify if someone is gay or straigh or bi or whatever you will. Not even yourself.

    I do not know if people can 'turn' gay... I honestly think not. I think there are just degrees of acceptance. According to my theoires, homosexuals are born homosexuals... call it genetic predisposition, call it universal coincidence, call it string theory. Still, the idea lies... things happen for a reason, being gay as well.

    All I can say is try not to think too much... :slight_smile:
     
  3. confusedkid

    confusedkid Guest

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    Hahahaha. It REALLY does.

    The jock, definitely. But then I'd look at the cheerleader and wonder... I dunno, do I like her too? But no. I'd definitely go with the jock. Haha.

    That's the best advise so far... I do think too much. Haha. But, it's what I do! LOL
     
  4. hawkeye

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    about turning gay, I dont think that anything could change, but there is the possibility that you arent completely gay. All you have to do is find someone you can love. If you like guys, I think there is always a chance of finding some girl that you could live the rest of your life with. It might just take a long time for you to find that special someone, whether its a guy or girl.
     
  5. confusedkid

    confusedkid Guest

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    Maybe you're right but I was talking to some people about this kinda thing and I came to the idea that my situation is almost like taking a multiple choice test... you see the right answer (i.e., gay), know in your gut it's the right answer and mark it down. But then, when you go back to look over your test, you review the other answers, overthink everything and then end up putting down the wrong answer instead of the one you know in your heart to be correct... I just think I overthink things sometimes.

    Like, when I think about it, I really have NO (real) sexual attractions to a girl. I may think they're pretty and all that but I really don't have any desire to make out or sleep with any of them. If something about a girl does turn me on sexually (like straight sex) it's either just because of the guy, or possibly just the idea of sex itself (yeah people, it happens... you can just be turned on by anything sexual regardless of what it is or whether you're gay/bi/straight/queer... right???) But yeah, all the checking and second-guessing, I think, is probably just me wanting to make sure that I *know* that I'm heading in the right direction, whatever it may be... Who knows? Maybe i'll come across some girl someplace, somewhere at sometime and she'll be spectacular and whatever but honestly, I don't see it happening... now excuse me while I buy tickets for my long-distance boyfriend (who is too cute for words!) to come visit me... and while I'm on hold for the airlines I guess I can go rape my roommate while I'm at it (he's sooo cute too!) HAHAHA... now you tell me I'm not gay! :lol:

    -CK
     
    #5 confusedkid, Jun 9, 2005
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2005
  6. Jordano

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    Yeah I think you may overthink sometimes, cause it sounds like you really like guys...especially if you have a long-distance boyfriend, you must really like him and I bet he really likes you back if you wanna buy tickets for him to visit you! :icon_wink

    Your situation is kinda like mine - I'm almost positive I'm bisexual, but I can't help but wonder if I am just gay? I say this because I get really turned on sexually by guys (particularly this hott, tall, dark one) and I feel really connected emotionally with him, but yet I've had a girlfriend for four years and have a pretty firm connection with her, but the sexual energy has kinda left, just because we've gone out so long. It feels like things have been on a hold for the awhile now, we're not going anywhere, its like we're married already and its just boring for me. I'm a huge flirt and still just wanna fool around and have flings!

    The thing I think that separates me from knowing my true sexuality is experience, I haven't had any. I wanna save sex, well straight sex :icon_mrgr , for marriage, and my girlfriend feels the same way, so we don't really fool around anymore so nothing happens between us and I've found I don't really have the urge to be with her all the time either. I know since my first year of college I've really grown as an individual: I've made new friends, experienced new things (basically drinking/parties) and told four people I'm bisexual, including a guy I had a huge crush on and thought he was bi too but got dumped on my face (its all in Support and Advice under My Twisted Dilemma) and then I've noticed my girlfriend, Jessica, hasn't grown a bit, shes still kinda stuck in her high school phase, shes hardly made friends and changed. I think I feel that we're separating in a fork in life, she going one way me going the other.

    And another thing is I really want kids, biological kids, adopting is great but I've always wondered what my kids would look like, so I also feel pressured in leading the "right" life like everyone else. But part of me doesn't, I wanna have a relationship, especially with my someone special. But I cant really have a sexual relationship with him, which I think once I experience something like that I'll know....

    So as you can see, I'm very confused too and don't know what I want. Except I have gotten turned on by girls as well as guys, lately its been guys more though...so I DONT KNOW?! I go back and forth too. Just know I'm here for you like everyone else here!