So here I am again. I posted here about two years ago, then drifted away from this site, but things have gotten worse. I’m 60, in a sexless marriage to a man with whom I have nothing in common, and feeling horrible regrets about leaving a woman I loved in the 1990s. I don’t know why I left her. I feel it was the biggest mistake I ever made. We have stayed in touch through Facebook and she’s married to a wonderful woman for several years now. I’m happy for her, but my heart breaks at the same time. I married a man several years ago, I’m not even sure why, and now I’m miserable. I have no real friends anymore and for the first time in my life, I’m truly and deeply lonely. The only thing I have with him is stability. He wants to stay married and feels we can work out our problems (I don’t think so), but at 60, I feel that staying with him is a necessity financially, especially because I have a few health issues. I have seen a few therapists and it hasn’t helped at all. I have no support network in my life. It was easier to meet people when I was younger, but it seems impossible now. I feel like I really screwed up my life by making one bad decision after another, and now it’s just too late and I’m too old to start over. Ugh, how pathetic. Sorry.
Your post is as if I was reading my life. I am 48 this year, married to a good man who I was never in love with. I've always known I was a lesbian but went into complete denial in my late teens because of an overbearing, religious, narcissistic mother. As an adult I was scared trying to make it on my own and so it was easier to be married. I was married for 12 years and then divorced and promised myself I would not be with a man again. But here I am. Married again. It sounds so much simpler written than living it. My husband knows I am lesbian, but also wants to stay married. While I stay out of my fear of financial stability, my instilled fear of being excommunicated from family(which would happen), and fear of hurting him; he I think stays because of his fear of another failed marriage. I don't work and have health issues as well, so I am dependent financially on him. We've gone to therapists individually and together. My therapist told me to leave, start my life - easier said than done. Our therapist - who I purposely picked because he was a gay man - told us to stay married. I had hoped he would have told my husband we needed to divorce to save me from causing him the pain. On top of that, we have a teen daughter together and I worry about how it would affect her. I know if I read my life as I read your post, my response would be to tell you and myself to just take the leap. Get out there on your own and do it. It's not to late and you have the right to be happy. What is the worse that could happen? For me I go to worst case scenarios, that is how I live. Worst case - we divorce, my daughter lives with him, I am required to pay CS. My family disowns me, and then my life just deteriorates until I am homeless with no one. Yep, that is where my mind goes. Best case - we divorce and it is amicable so we share custody and visitation. I get a good job and am financially set. I find the woman of my dreams and actually get to feel that oh so wonderful electrifying sense of attraction while being in love that I haven't had since my teens. . Reality is usually somewhere inbetween... You do have support. Here. So just come and rant whenever you need to.
They still don't let you edit posts on this site?.... so correction to above - I will be 47 this year! Yeah! one year younger than I thought! No. I do not keep track of my age...lol
You can always join meetup groups in your local group , you can google it on your phone or if anything that's why you have us on here but it's never to late to start living the way you feel happy to live even in your 40s or 60s. There's someone out there for you guys . You just have to search. Don't live in regrets ..it's all a learning lesson
