I've had a crap week up until today, and honestly, it's just what the doctor ordered. So, brief background: for those who don't know, I'm bisexual, I've been out for almost two years to myself and a few people, and one year publicly. I'm happily married to the same man I've been with since I was 17, and that's not about to change. Before him, my romantic experience was super limited, and not at all realized with the same sex. Anyway, a little over a year ago I got back in touch with an old high-school friend (we lost touch because she deactivated her social media account for a while, and I must have deleted her inactive account from my friend list during a clean up.) She's also bisexual, and as I was thinking back on all the hints I had that I was too (you know, the kind that only hindsight can grant with clarity), I couldn't help thinking of her. She'd been so open about it back then, very playfully flirtatious and whatnot. Just overall sexually liberal and okay with herself. Initially, getting back in touch didn't have any ulterior motives; I just missed an old friend. But as time has gone on, us talking in passing and sometimes in-depth, I can't deny--there's at least some infatuation there. So to get to the point of all this, as we're seeing my in-laws for Thanksgiving (October for us Canadian folk), and as she lives close, I thought it might be nice to get together for a little visit (with whatever pandemic safety measures apply there). I feel like an absolute teenager right now. I doubt anything will happen between us, but if it does, I have a hall pass from my husband for a one-time encounter, because he understands--I never got to explore that side, I had far too many other, more pressing problems in my life to even grasp what I was back then, much less explore it. If nothing else, it'll just be good to see her again after all these years, to have someone in real life I share not only an orientation with, but many fond memories with. So yeah, sorry if this is all over the place. I'm just so excited by this that I wanted to share. I am so, so stoked and nervous, and whatever happens, I'm just so happy to have an opportunity to reconnect with someone I was close friends with.
Hey @BiGemini87 I'm so happy for you that you feel so excited about this! As someone who, originally, had a "hall pass" from my wife I just wanted to mention a couple things which you, likely, know all ready. The first is to really communicate with your husband and double check that this is OK. When my wife said OK the first time, I was so excited about it that I started to make plans for an encounter right away. Well, it turns out the OK was for "sometime in the future". She did resent my excitement. It wasn't long (maybe a couple weeks) and she had a chance to reprocess and she was OK with it again. The second thing is to reinforce to your husband your commitment to the relationship. I continue to tell my wife that the marriage is my number one priority. I also try and reinforce my love for her and how what she is allowing is a gift. This is all easier said than done. My wife and I had a slight relapse over this over the past weekend that I spent with my FWB. Mostly, she felt left out. Sometimes there is not enough time to be everything to everybody. I could have prevented this by checking in more but I grew complacent. Good luck.
Thank you! I'm trying not to put the cart before the horse, but I'll just be happy with seeing her and catching up after all this time. ^_^ Thanks so much! Don't worry, it's something I'm consistently approaching with him, going over boundaries and whatnot. It's not anything resembling for sure (even if we have the chemistry, I doubt she and I would wind up doing anything our first time seeing each other in so long), but I'm more just trying to prepare in case it does in any future get-togethers. It's definitely something that, if/when it happens, whoever it happens with, it will be the one time. He knows he's the one I want to spend my life with, but I will definitely take your advice to heart. I don't want to cause any hurt or confusion, after all, especially when he's being so understanding and open about it.
Hey, so I thought I'd just give an update, since I saw my friend yesterday. Nothing of the hall pass nature happened, which is okay; I knew it was pretty unlikely, considering we haven't seen each other in so long. She also has a new boyfriend, so I wasn't about to really broach that particular subject, as I refuse to infringe on whatever happiness she has and I'm just happy I got to see her at all. We reminisced a lot about our school days and our friend group, talked about the differences and parallels in our sexual orientation experiences (she knew back then but never risked telling any girls she crushed on for fear of ruining her friendships--as there were precious few non-straight people, or at least ones that were out). Anyway, it turns out I was one of the people she crushed on, which was both baffling and really flattering. I really wanted to tell her the same, only 1) I was dealing with a lot of confusing feelings back then, so I'm not sure if I did feel that way at the time, and 2) Even if I could say it with certainty, I was afraid it would sound disingenuous or just make things awkward. I mean, there's a chance I made things awkward anyway (because when she told me she'd crushed on me, I was like, "well shit, if I knew then what I know, now" but it's possible I'm just overthinking things. She seemed overall happy that we got together and we did laugh a lot (including about that), so maybe she was just feeling some of the same awkwardness of seeing each other after 15 years. Anyway, to get to the point of this update: I'm dealing with a lot of bittersweet feelings, the whole, "what if" thing. I can't stress this point enough--I'm happy in my marriage, and I wouldn't change it for the world. But I am dealing with those feelings of, "Why couldn't I have known/acknowledged my orientation back then? Why couldn't I have gotten those experiences in with her?" Not in the sense of thinking we'd last, but that it would have been good for both of us. I know the past can't be changed and there's no sense in dwelling on it. I guess I'm just feeling left behind in some ways, since she had some minor experiences with girls over the years...and I haven't. And I guess I really liked the idea of my first/only same sex experience being with her. It's so much useless sentimentality, I know. Not really looking for advice as such, but wondering if any other Later in Life LGBT+ people have experienced something like this on an emotional/psychological level; that "missed the boat" feeling regarding someone you've really cared for, but when you weren't being honest with yourself. (Sorry if this is a mess. It was a long trip home and I'm exhausted). x_x
Oh, God yes. I didn't come out until I was 25 but before that, I had some "missed opportunities." I'm sure none of them would have lasted, but they would have been my chance to explore and come to terms with who I was. There was a period, before I fully realized what I was doing, that I just had urges and was *almost* acting on them. I like to reimagine myself making the right decision. There's one guy I recently reconnected with, who I would keep a flame for, but sadly he's gone straight. There are 3-4 of these situations. I like to go back and re-imagine myself making the opposite choice in order to improve my self-image by giving myself permission. I think they were missed opportunities for self growth and acceptance.
Really only with one relationship that I wish I had pursued. However, I regret almost my entire life as far as having made the wrong decisions due to complicated things. I have obsessed over "if I could relive it, I would do this or that differently". The thing is, you cannot change the past. I have been working over the past couple of years to just accept that I am where I am. That I have experienced what I have and that I have to live with what I have now and making the best of it.
@PeterWI @QuietPeace Thank you both so much for your replies. I think it'll take time for me to fully accept things such as they are (I have a long memory and I agonize over a lot of things, always have), but I think with time, I'll get there. I'll take as much good from my life experiences as I can, see them as the opportunities for growth that they ultimately are. I do the same thing, PeterWI, imagine things going differently. I think as long as I keep in mind these things can't be changed and merely used as an opportunity to see my past self as I might have been in order to understand who I am now and who I will be down the road, it'll be a great help. Maybe give myself some sort of closure in that regard. Again, thank you for sharing your experiences, too. It's comforting to know others can relate, even if I'm sorry you've had to feel that way, too.
