October 26 told my wife I'm gay

Congrats on coming out to your wife.

Your wife deserves to know everything in my opinion.

 

Just a thought or two--Good for you for being so brave.
About telling your wife the rest of it--sometimes telling someone something you know will hurt them just to get it off your back is simply switching the burden from you to them. I don't disagree with vyvance that she ultimately deserves to know everything, but maybe making sure she has some kind of support system in place for herself before you tell her, and giving her time to accept what you've already told her before you add more might be kind. The therapy is a great idea. I wish you the best of luck.

 

Is it really worth it to tell her about stuff like illicit sex and a new lover? To me, some things are better left unsaid. What good would come out of telling her stuff like that? I assume you guys won't be staying together in the long run and I think admitting things like that would do more damage and hurt than good.

Also, congratulations on the coming out and being honest with yourself. That takes a lot of courage to do when you're married.

 

congratulations on taking the big step. you took one huge step forward. don't worry about the others yet. you'll do them when it's time.

 

Ehh, if you're telling her you're gay to remain with her, then yes.. you have to tell her you cheated, regardless of the gender of the person you cheat with. If you're telling her to leave her, it's irrelevant. She's already thought about all of this i'm sure and if she wants to know, she'll ask you. When I told my mom I was gay, I didn't tell her that I was messing around with pretty much every guy friend i've had from elementary to middle school lol. It's like adding insult to "injury." I know it's different when it's your wife and she's been accepting and forthcoming with you, it's awesome that she is. If you're going on from this point with her in your future as your partner, you tell her. If not, tell that part if asked.

 

Congratulations. That was an incredibly brave thing you did, I am happy to hear that your wife's reaction was positive given the circumstance. Make sure that you both go to counseling during this phase, I am sure there will be a lot of emotions that will be coming out that will be overwhelming.

I agree with most people who replied. If you are planning to stay with your wife, then you will need to tell her about the cheating. If you are planning to leave, then maybe it is better that you don't. Hearing this news will definitely hurt her, so you have to weigh your decision carefully on this subject.

 

Don't be surprised if accepting turns to hate and loathing. I came out on Monday - and this past week has been a living hell. She even went so far as to top me - to try to get back what she thought was our connection. It felt hollow -now that the charade was over.

I wish I'd known before we married and spent 15 years together.

Good luck - I'm in the same boat you are in - so at least you have company.

 

Hi, Allen. Welcome to EC.

I hate to do this, but I'm going to point you in the direction of Scott's thread, http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/73669-i-came-out-my-wife-blew-up-my-life.html. In it I said the same things I would say to you, so I'll just let you read it there since my time is short today.

I sincererly wish you a better life down the road. You'll get there, but it'll be a roller coaster of a ride. We're here for you!

(*hug*)

55

 

Seems to me that you are approaching this discussion with your wife quite well. Therapy is good. I would suggest holding off on telling her all the details right now for a couple of reasons- 1.) you're still shaky, 2.) It's quite possible your comments would do more harm that good.
There are plenty of great thread by Maxx, 55, Jim L, Tracker and others that are worth reading before you spew some seamy details.. Keep posting, it's cathartic.

 

I don't agree with those that are saying that she needs to know everything. Go slow and cautious. If there are things that are going to hurt her and have no positive effects then.....why? Your lucky in that she is not totally freaking out on you. I was also lucky in that respect, my wife said much the same as yours. It took me about six months before I started feeling much better. So just be patient, the coming out process is a long road with many curves and hills. Let us know how it goes.

 

I don't agree with that. Big secrets never stay secret for long. She's better off hearing it from him than somewhere else.

 

I agree that you should take the opportunity to get everything out on the table. In many cases, it's not the being gay that hurts the wife. It's sometimes not even the cheating. It's the lying and if you want to have any chance of moving forward with your wife, come clean 100%.

Over the next few weeks she's going to go through a lot emotions. She will love you, hate you, want to divorce you, want to stay together and want to kill you... all in the same morning. Repeat in the afternoon, repeat the next day.

She will try to fuck you straight. You may experience some of the best sex you have ever experienced in the next few weeks. It's a natural reaction.

 

She knows the most important thing....he is gay. Like me he is a guy that came out later in life. That make's a BIG difference. You will never know the repression that guys like us dealt with growing up in a time where you could be destroyed if someone "found out."

What I am saying is that feeding her details about his past activity will only hurt and possibly not help in any way. So why bring these things up and create more harm? These are things that only he knows about....not the community at large.

---------- Post added 30th Oct 2012 at 10:17 AM ----------

100% clean???? Wow, I finally met someone that has no secrets. Amazing!

 

I agree with not telling all the details, WHY? At this point it would only throw salt in the wound....I came out to my wife and 3 kids 2 weeks ago and they have been very supportive.....If later you feel stronger and want to 'work' on your marriage, then tell all the details later....

 

Assuming that you have engaged in sexual relations with your wife post having sex with someone else, she needs to know for her own health. Even if you practiced safe sex; even if you show negative now; it can take time for some STI to read positive, and she deserves to know she is at risk.

 

No, do not hurt her with other things right now. Plus she has threatened you with losing your family (if you have had any contact with men).

And no, you are not betraying yourself by keeping this issue totally personal and to yourself. You are lying to her. But you already did the major lying in previous years by not coming out much sooner.

But this is not the time to spill everything out. I would take it slow, and think about easing into your new life very slowly. I am not sure how long you have been married, but it sounds like it has been a while. So that is why I would take this very slowly.

But congrats on your big big step. I think it will get easier now, that was the hardest part.