Numb

As of late, I kind of feel dead inside- like nothing is there and whatever of me was there has been lost in the static. I've also been more dysphoric because it's summer for one (meaning swimsuits and shaving body hair because of my insane family) and also my mom keeps pushing me towards being feminine. I was heavily urged into buying more girl clothes while on vacation, and tired of my mom saying I need new clothes/not wanting to start an argument I caved. I was also forced to go bra shopping, and I didn't want to at all. I thought one was ok at first but was angry and confused why it wasn't making me dysphoric. Now when I wear it under a shirt I feel dysphoria pretty fast. It makes my chest look and feel less male than the sports bras I used to wear. It's so frustrating, and yet when I empty my mind it's just like TV static again. I don't know what to do anymore

 

Advice seeking, not going great- so far I've chickened out. And no is the answer to the last two, I know I need to rectify that.

 

I do plan on calling them on Wednesday to schedule an appointment if I can. I just hope they have an opening that works with my schedule.

There are times where my mom seems to be supportive of the idea of me making my own decisions- but then turns around and starts going on about LGBTQIA+ people in front of me. Her pushing me towards being feminine bit by bit though has got to stop. I hate wearing makeup, and shaving body hair, I'd like a shorter haircut, I want to date someone, and I want to try to mitigate my dysphoria. As things stand, the former just remain wishes. I do wonder to myself often what my life would be like if I was cis, and I know it would be totally different. I often worry I'll never be a real man.

I wish I didn't have to leave.

*big hugs*

Thank you, I'm trying to relax but to be honest I get pretty worked up if I think about things too much. Yesterday I was on the phone with a friend and discussing all this, and I was trying tn not freak out a bit.

 

I have brought up that I want to move out, that I want my own space. To a degree I think that has finally sunk in and they're fine with that. The thing is, I know if I try to treat my dysphoria around them they will become incredibly toxic. They used to verbally abuse me, they took all the socks I used to pack and three pairs of boxers, they're also manipulative. They think I was "sexually confused" and occasionally have suspicions, but I'm back in the closet. I try to get away with what I can, but that isn't much.



This is true for my parents for when they found out about me, but even if I could've stayed out to them they would have still use their religion to condemn me. Their bigotry is religious, and God is very important to them. People like my mom are the main reason my own faith is waning, if all the fellow Christians I run across are going to be bigots like her I don't think I want to associate with them. I'd rather have any worship or prayer time be entirely alone if all the churches I go to are full of hatred and contempt for me and others like me.

I want a good relationship with my my parents and siblings- as the second son/ youngest brother. I'd like to be the uncle to my nieces and nephew I truly am. Sadly I don't think that's happening in my lifetime. So I'll have to prioritize escaping and healing the damage I've been dealt.

 

Well today was trash, and the cherry on top was my therapist's office can now only do zoom calls for appointments- not phone. I don't have a smartphone at all times- just a burner I keep at work. I do my sessions during my drive to work. So unless I can work zoom on this flip phone, no therapy for me.

I frankly don't think I can handle more

 

I did explain this to the receptionist, and she kept my appointment down for towards the end of the month. I'm thinking of calling my EAP case handler and asking if some law was passed that it can only be zoom now...

 

I will definitely be asking them about this come Monday, if that works out that will be a huge relief

 

An update: my mom found my two binders, last two pairs of boxers, a cologne I haven't worn since college, a men's scented lotion, and my tie. They're all gone, she must've found them while cleaning. The weird part is I haven't been but a bit sad, if anything else just in shock... Maybe I am a fraud and should just stop trying

 

She's my mom, there are no boundaries to her. She must've put something I had out away and found them- so she decided to take them. I wonder if my tiny pride flags are still in there somewhere, because I got those from friends I had in college. They hung above my desk in my dorm, my friends and those flags are some of the few fond memories that haven't left me from that era.

I have wondered about what would happen if the objects were found, and her taking them was the only absolute certainty. I'm not entirely surprised, she did this before with other things of mine after kidnapping me.

My escape plan has once again halted, I've run out of energy and wits. My brain does the minimum to function, can't focus very well. I was a dumbass anyway- always will be because you just can't fix true stupidity.

I just exist now, Beth, there is no personality left. I just wish no one could see me today- like I was invisible. I don't even get to cry though at the moment I do actually feel like it.

It's ok, Rain, don't ever feel like you have to reply. Thank you for the support, that goes for all of you.

I don't know what the police would even do- even if they went to trial and were sentenced it would probably only be for theft of my clothes. I wouldn't have a good or solid case for the prosecution anyway. It would be pointless, I'm afraid.

I somewhat expected it, but not entirely