I know I posted it in my other thread, but yesterday just before 1:00 PM my grandmother passed away. She’d been on hospice for four months and four weeks ago had fallen and not been out of bed since. So the last few weeks have been very hard on everyone in the family. My uncle and myself have really been the ones taking care of her every day. I had all day and he had all night. My aunt would come in during both as needed, we just wouldn’t leave when it was our shift. Last night is the first night of sleep I’ve gotten since March 24th (day before my birth the only reason I remember so clearly). I slept a good hard nearly 8 full hours... I think I could actually sleep some more but I’m starting to hurt because I’ve slept so hard. When I woke up I realized I didn’t have to go make breakfast for everyone, I didn’t have to tidy the kitchen yet (will need to I’m sure), I’m not gonna have my normal daily things. I’ve spent the last 4 years taking care of my grandparents, my ex and I moved first of May in 2015 to a house next door so I could help. March 30th was three years ago Gramps passed, and now my grandmother is gone... now what? The last fours years so much has changed. I’ve lost almost 120 lbs, I accepted my sexuality, I came out, I got divorced, I’ve lost my dad (step dad but the man who raised), I’ve been working on my mental health with therapy and all, I’ve lost my grandparents who I took care of every day for for 4 years... I have some more work to do to sort things out, some more weight to lose to get where I want to be, and then my mom still wants me to tend to her but... The next few days is gonna be a roller coaster and I’m gonna be busy but after that I have no idea what it’s gonna be like!
Funeral was yesterday and today is officially the first day with nothing to do. I said I wanted a few days to rest and I really do... I’m exhausted from the last month. I feel like I need a good three days of sleep, but I can’t seem to turn my mind off. I mean, I sleep great at night it’s just during the day I have to much nervous energy to rest around... I was so use to the list of duties and the never ending chores, to now not have them i may be going crazy. I can’t decide if I feel like I’m drifting around always at risk of floating away or if I’m starting to disappear... either way I don’t like it.
Talk about this with your therapist. Something common that a lot of caretakers do is they use taking care of others as a way to not have to think of the "now what?" question. Its a GREAT excuse to be able to not think about what you want or need. Now that its gone, the anxiety of the "what now?" its allowed to creep in. You are also out of excuses, which is good! Fight off trying to find someone else to take care of though haha promise if you look hard enough you will find them, so sit with the discomfort and focus on what "what now?" Get some pointers on how to fend of anxiety attacks though. They will happen now that you have more free time to think. Exercise it out. You have to get the energy out somehow else it will catch up to you Sorry for your loss.
Don’t have to look far. I’ve not been in my bed since the night after my grandmother passed. I’ve actually been sleeping in her from which saying out loud seems weird since she passed in there. Mom has wanted to be alone and I’m the one who’s here, so it was a natural choice. I’m not sure how long this will be for. I’m hoping now that I’m getting my anxiety and such (or trying to) under control I’ll be free to get my shit together. I’m gonna go back to being an independent sales consultant. I made good money and can set my own pace and all. So it seems right. I’m hoping it picks up quick and I can’t save up some money rather quickly as well... I’d like to move in August, September at the latest. I gotta get out of this small town and start trying to have a life. I got a couple exercises to do during attacks... it’s remembering to do them and stop panicking that’s the problem. This! I’ve been doing more and more waking and gonna start adding in some weight stuff. It’s just time. I’ve shaved the beard cut my hair been doing my masks and all again. I’m gearing up getting ready to get out there. Thanks for the condolences.
