I haven't written in a long time. I have been very busy and tired with university. I'm job hunting on top of that. And dealing with health issues. I'm not sure where I'm going with the post. I feel like the story ended with some subjectively bitter notes. Objectively, I have the opportunity to live as myself and pursue most of what I want from transition. Maybe the emotional support aspect of it is failing. Maybe it matters, I feel male, I don't want to pursue hormones and have good passing regardless. My testosterone is naturally high, maybe that makes a difference. For a transmasculine person it is a very lucky coincidence to have testosterone throughout the whole puberty. My problems with periods ended, because it turned out that I have celiac disease and after exclusion of gluten from my diet, the periods don't hurt a lot any more and my stomach doesn't hurt as frequently for unknown reasons. It turned out to be a medical problem and I'm glad I found it out, because it caused not only this problem, so... it's wise to not jump to conclusions that something is psychogenic. Another problem was with the sports I was doing, the running caused stomach pain. It caused me a lot of dysphoria that my stomach hurt so much, so I'm glad it's not the case any more. The psychological diagnosis was an extremely bad experience and it was a bad idea on the part of my endocrinologist to recommend it. I think other people, even if it's bad, forget it, because there is a next chapter. They get HRT, experience changes, transition and are happy about it. I did it the opposite way round, transitioned socially long ago, had my thoughts back and forth about it, solidified in the decision. Then still felt like something is missing despite being accepted by others, so I went to a psychologist and thought that maybe the remaining discomfort can be about my relationship with my body, not how others see it. And then I'd get to know what my discomfort is and either resolve the emotional issue or get the body fixed. So summing up - other people have next steps, for me it was the last chapter and my mind won't let go of it completely even though it would be rational to let go, leave it in the past. I got the diagnosis in the end, but it was just one visit long. The other ones lasted longer. It was a relief, nevertheless, as I don't feel any more as if I have this obstacle if I wanted to take T or do something else, because I wondered. I have plenty to say about the bad experiences during the diagnosis, but I'm not sure if it will be productive for me to talk about it yet again and how well my complaints will be received. I do take an issue with some psychologists' and some people's with humanities degrees approaches and worldviews. I take an issue with how it is applied by some people to specific existing situations - accusatory and wrong overinterpretations. Just because you see something subjectively in a certain way, doesn't mean you're not wrong. I'd be especially careful with unthoughtful accusations. And with discrediting someone's struggles as not even trying or a lack of intelligence or basic understanding of everyday circumstances. I've met the wrong people and I was too nice to them. I say with humanities degrees, because there is a specific kind of mindless dismissive behaviour that is rooted in being used to the folklore of the humanities - just like the sciences have their own folklore. Some programmers are also awful in their own specific way - they don't take an issue with me personally, however, because our experiences align in many ways. (Context: I'm a programmer). Maybe I'll just say that, I struggle to find the right words for feelings and interpersonal issues and some psychotherapists think I'm not being considerate enough, because I have weird comparisons and I either don't talk a lot or fly off on rants and try very hard to describe something which is very wordy. As you may have noticed, I have a broad vocabulary and read a lot, which also offends some people, it seems, or makes them feel as if it should make me automatically good at describing feelings - one of the few skills I struggle with. Okay, I fail in my attempts, but a psychotherapist shouldn't stigmatise anyone for lacking the competence and fluency to talk about feelings. It feels like discrimination at this point. Some people in the LGBT+ community also feel like they know better and won't accept it when I try to explain, they think I'm a bad, mean person or something of this sort and it feels incredibly unfair. On top of it, they claim that when I have an illness such as hypoglycemia and I'm shaking and fainting, that is selfish and rude. Looking at it from perspective of having more of a social life at university - that isn't normal or acceptable behaviour to quarrel that someone is selfish, because they're ill. That is some really twisted and pathological social dynamic that I stumbled upon in a couple of groups. The experience with others in the LGBT+ community left me with a lot of hurt and resentment too. I feel like I've talked through everything I needed to talk through in the end, and found nice people in the end, or groups of nice people, mostly online. But I still feel upset. There were the quarrels but also being forgotten and omitted, excluded for not being talkative enough, there was being outside of the crowd for not being a party person and attacks for not being a vegan (I couldn't even if I wanted to due to my numerous food allergies and that apparently makes me evil) and being left out for not wanting to be a volunteer who has to deal with lots of people. I hate crowds, honestly, they make me feel exhausted and stressed, sometimes even one person next to me is too much. Something that requires constant contact with people is for sure something that I wouldn't consciously pick for myself. But back to transition. I don't feel like I'm doing anything, honestly, I don't know why exactly, because I seem to have integrated seamlessly with cisgender people. It's just been lasting for so long, I mean living as a guy, that it doesn't feel like anything other than default right now and I still don't know why I'm upset and why I feel as if I've done nothing. I don't exactly have close friends, my family members have their own problems, they can't be emotional support. It's hard to get emotional support from cisgender men too. There is someone who I consider a friend and he's a cisgender guy, but he's not exactly talkative, especially about feelings, we usually talk about programming. I don't know myself how emotional support is supposed to look like in this case either. There isn't anything more I can do. I'm not in eager on T or top surgery. I want to change my name in the future, but right now I'm waiting for a more favourable interpersonal (more support if my parents freak out, I'm sure they will) and financial situation. The period problem is solved, not how I thought it would be, but it is.
