Hey there, Ok, so I’m 16, and I’ve known/ thought that I was gay or bi since probably about middle school. I’ve come out to only a few friends, but only ever as bisexual, here’s why: I feel attracted to both girls and guys, just much more the latter. I really don’t want to label myself as “gay” because I would just as happily go out with or fall in love with a woman as a man. The issue is, I only seem to be really sexually attracted to guys, but maybe that’s a hormone thing? So anyway, I don’t really want to put a label on how I feel, so I just say “bi” because it’s more all-encompassing. The main reason I’m writing this is because I’m trying to figure out if coming out is even the right idea. I’ve given myself a lot of pep talks, and my opinion is that coming out shouldn’t even be necessary for me, especially because I seem to be so ok with both sides. If I suddenly get a boyfriend, who cares??? People will find out I like dudes if they see me going out with a dude, it’s that simple. I know a lot of people don’t think that way, and that’s fine, but I like to think that I shouldn’t have to come out in the conventional sense. That being said, I might be perfectly happy telling people that I like both guys and girls, but here’s where I hit the bump. I kind of feel like I’m lying in a weird way by NOT saying anything about my sexuality, even though like I said before, I don’t think it’s necessary to say anything. It’s this annoying cycle where I both feel like I should and would enjoy coming out to people, but then don’t want to feel obligated to do it. If that makes sense? In today’s society, it’s kind of a given that LGBTQ teens/people come out to the world, but I feel like that wouldn’t work for me, because I don’t think it should matter who I like.... This is starting to sound like a rant, sorry, so moving on. My parents aren’t even a concern. They wouldn’t even bat an eyelash if I came out to them, because it just wouldn’t matter. Some of my friends and relatives are pretty conservative though, and I’m not sure if I would enjoy telling them. I think both of those things (my parents not caring and my relatives possibly being against it) contribute to my own opinion that I should come out indirectly. - - by that I mean by dating someone and then having people find out that way, rather than me telling them - - I’ve been struggling with this for years, and of course talking to someone about it would mean coming out so I wanted to put my story here, and ask people who actually HAVE gone through the process what your opinions are? What do you think I could gain/lose by coming out or how do you think it might affect me based on your own experiences? I know you don’t know me, but anything would help. I hope David
My friend, what you're saying makes perfect sense so don't worry about that. And it's not just that you're a teenager with these questions. I'm 37 and have only been able to admit my bisexuality to myself for a short time. And I find myself with many of the same questions you are asking. The one consistent piece of advice I've seen and agree with is you owe no one an explanation or justification. Our sexuality/identity is just that; ours. As to whether coming out directly, indirectly, or at all; do whichever you are comfortable with and don't let anyone or anything pressure you into what you're not comfortable with. I've come out to 3 close people in my life and have been lucky to have their support. I'm still working on the courage to be more publicly open...but one step at a time. I will say that coming out on even this limited level has helped me feel more comfortable and happy with myself. Do whatever you need for you to be happy and comfortable with yourself. And I hope my perspective helps, because I know yours helped me. Seeing someone asking many of the same things I've been asking myself, even someone at such a different time in their life helps me feel not as alone. Good luck and be happy
I agree with HDIGH, you should not worry about it, especially not at your age. Just keep on doing what feels right to you. I'm bisexual and out to very few trusted people. I would not tell everyone for sure. But for me, that is because I personally feel that at my age I have more to lose than gain. But if I knew what I knew at your age, I would tell people about myself...but not everyone. It's no one else's business at the end of the day. If you want to date guys, just go ahead. Of people ask you questions, just decide for yourself if you want them to know your sexuality, whether you trust them, and whether they have something to gain from knowing that about you, or can hold anything against you in the future. You have 3 real choices then: A) tell them "yes, I like guys and girls. Whoever is a nice person, I want to be around"; B) tell them "no, he is just a friend. We hang out together"; C) tell them "it's really none of your business". Or you could even say "I do not know to be honest, I'm just trying to figure things out". When it comes down to it, you have the control to tell people what you want them to know. And if people find out and they were not meant to know about your sexuality, then you can decide how to handle it then. But try not to worry about what 'could' happen. You have to live your life and enjoy it.
Thank you guys, that is some really good advice. Making sure that you stay true to yourself and don't get pressured into making such big decisions is important. I'll keep trying. This forum is a really cool place to voice your thoughts and get interesting feedback, I like it.
Everyone has given you good advice! Your sexuality only matters to you and your partner. I’m gay and I’ve only recently come out- it was important for me to come out because I had been living so long in denial. Coming out helped me accept who I was and will hopefully lead to a relationship. Your situation is different because you don’t have a pressing need to come out. When the time is right everything will fall into place. You are lucky to have understanding parents, that’s 1/2 the battle. Just keep posting here, because it will help you gain a perspective on your feelings. Good luck to you, I love your comfort level with all this- I was a damn wreck!!!
