Not-so-well planned, but still valid work

I find the videos really interesting, specially the first one. And about it I want to open the discussion here because the vulnerability she says is the most difficult part for me, and I believe for everyone.

She is ABSOLUTELY right when she says that we numb the opposite good feelings when we try to ignore the bad ones. That's exactly how my life is, it's not a roller coaster of emotions, it's enough good for me and that's all. I particularly numbed everything that would shame me, therefore I couldn't experience too much of human contact.

Never being on a relationship is part of letting go the bad stuff, for not being ready to recieve all the consequences. I am still not ready to face the open world as a gay guy, but it's still considerable for me to open myself just enough to let my current feelings flow.

Constantly I've been misunderstanding happiness with a good sense of humor. Now I see it's not quite that, cause I am a very funny person, a quality I am proud of. Being closeted and living appart from my real romantic interest (gay boys) let me nothing but my incredible skill of making jokes about situations and for the past 3 years of my college I've been SURVIVING, misguided by that, fooling myself and thinking I was happy.

Proof that she's right, and updating my current status is that when I talk to my crush, I feel wonderful, and I feel even better when he answers me and laugh of my inside jokes. Not sure though if he gets that I'm slighly hitting on him, but there comes the part where she's right. When he doesn't answer me, or when we pass by college corridors and just compliment, I feel that there's nothing else to do during the rest of the day, it's like it was one day lost of my life cause I couldn't develop a better contact with the guy I am interested.

I know the consequences will come and I need time to prepare myself for that. Still I don't want to live another day without being happy, I am tired of being only funny cause happiness and love are much much greater than a random laugh everyday.

 

Not at all, mister. I don't want to blow things off.

I read some of his facebook notes, I actually found out that he was heartbroken once, he had dreams with someone that, by his words, were destroyed by three words (I supose they were I'M NOT GAY). Either way, he was a nice guy in the past, very romantic...

Then I believe this delusion mede him change a lot, he's "gayer" and into dance clubs and other things that don't match with the romantic type of guy. He was a fan of Jack Johnson, for god sake, ain't there cutter thing than this?

I guess I am going to change my approach from now on. If he was that romantic, I believe he only needs to find someone to share those feelings. Slowly I believe I'll get there, but from now I still have no idea how to start a conversation that might lead to this subject. I don't want to sound creepy.

 

My journey has been hard. I mean, if I start the conversation, it flows nice, as if we were really good friends from some time. What bugs me is that it only happens if I message him on facebook wth some random stuff that I probably don't know if he's interested in.

I am afraid that I'm being way too annoying. I don't message him every single day, I usually skip one day or too, but I take the initiative. If he was really interested, wouldn't he take some time and start talking to me for a change?

 

Sorry if I'm being rude but today I am pissed off. This crush of mine simply started ignoring me, answering my messages on facebook with one single word and avoiding me in any way. That situation I described days ago has gotten 10x worse and I'm starting to think he is over any small little interest he hadon me at the beggining.

I made a list with possible sujects I could start a conversation with him and each 2 days I checked one and started talking. From the last couple days, none have worked and the list is now empty of choices. I am not sad or wanting to cry or die, I am severy injured and pissed off, that's the real feeling. I want to break something, to smash anything against a hard wall and scream out loud.

Plus, on his facebook page, a message indicates that he's dating.

Seems like I lost another fight.

 

I am not ready to give up, in fact. In my beliefs, FATE is just tricking me. I know he's probably dating and I know he thinks I am not gay, cause our mutual friends must have told him so. What does that mean?

FIGHT HARDER.

Now I got nothing to lose. I am already with my heart full of hate, being rejected is not going to hurt it any more. Giving the right opportunity, I am going to talk to hi, straightforward and with clean face, no exuses. I am not going to tell him I like him, but I am for sure comming out to him, see how he reacts. What are my odds again?

He seems really lonely at college, for some reason. A guy in love would't act the way he is, he should be more... Opmistic! Like I said, a message on his facebook INDICATES that he is dating, I am ready to know the truth. Whatever if he is going to think I am annoying or childish to find him through the corridors and start a random conversation. I don't care anymore, like I said.