Good afternoon! My name is Eifan, and I'm still trying that name on for size. For nearly a decade, I have been loud and proud about who I am. Even If I wasn't always completely sure I understood what that meant, I tried to remain as genuine as I could manage. Over the years, a nagging voice in the back of my mind has been telling me that something isn't right. I am not the person that my family and partners have tried to push me to be. For the last 6 months I have begun to seriously question everything all over again, separating the parts of me that were imposed from the parts that were genuine. This has lead me to the first place in my life where I am entirely unsure. I feel like I have just opened a new puzzle and finished sorting the edge pieces from the rest, only to find that someone had mixed the pieces of an incomplete puzzle into it . Everything I know is laid out in front of me, I just need to separate the parts that don't belong. That is what I am here to do. I hope that by signing up and participating in the discussions here, I can begin sorting my puzzle out and laying the pieces where they belong. Please be patient with me. This is the first time I will be reaching out on this particular journey. My name is Eifan Gale, and I no longer believe that genderfluid accurately describes my gender identity.
Thank you! I was hoping to get to a point without making claims I'm not sure I'm ready to make yet. The ideas and feelings are there, but I need to know that it's not something that's going to change easily. The last thing I want to do is belittle the journeys and struggles of those around me by saying and doing things on an impulse that felt right *at the time*.
Yes, that makes sense. I have kind of wondered about my gender from time to time, too, but I really am not sure enough of anything other than what I was born as to say anything. Years ago, I looked into "genderqueer" and being trans, have read about all these different labels out there for different levels of masculinity and femininity in lesbians, etc, and I just feel like I've not found anything that rings 100% true. I did think I might be genderqueer, though, for a while.
I am not convinced that any one lable will ring 100% for some of us. Which is why things are always changing and evolving. If what is currently available doesn't fit, alter it until it does. For me, I've never been the "girly" type. Lables were thrown at my feet like insults any time I tried to express myself. As I grew, I began to pick some of them up and dust them off to claim as my own. "Tomboy" was the first, and easiest. I didn't have to completely throw my southern Baptist family six feet under with strokes and heart attacks, but I got to wear my jeans and tees more often. They stopped forcing me to wear dresses and started letting me cut my hair shorter. Small concessions at the time, but it was enough. When I picked up genderfluid, I was given more room to express my masculinity, without having to answer too many questions. I never asked anyone to use masculine pronouns, but they treated me like I was less fragile when I dressed a certain way. I was able to convince my coworkers that I was capable of the manual labor I had signed up for. All without having to sacrifice my relationship with hetero partners. For me, things got better but I was always scared that the person I was/am in love with would see me as too manly and promptly leave me. Especially as I watched sexual interest rise and decline based on which side of me I was presenting. The incomplete pieces of the puzzle are my femininity. It's still there, but not entirely out of my desire for their presence. While I still feel like pansexual is a snug fit, I'm deathly afraid that shedding all ties to the gender on my birth certificate will mean that my world will be turned completely on it's head.
I relate to some of what you wrote. So, do you think that it's possible you know what your gender identity is, but you're too afraid of what acknowledging and accepting it would do to your life?
EifanGale.....Hello and welcome to empty closets. There are a lot of really great people here and now there is one more! There is a forum here on EC titled: "Gender Identity and Expression". If you post there you will get a lot of input from folks who have dealt with or are dealing with some of the same things that you are. By the way....very cool name! But...how do you pronounce it? Keep us updated here on empty closets....we do care! .....David
@normalwolverine, yes and no. Some of it is worry about how it will change my life, and some of it is unpacking baggage and disassociating some things from others to make sure this is real, and not just the masculine side of me streching his legs and getting comfortable. Did you ever find something that seemed like it fit better than the rest, even if it wasn't a perfect fit? @quebec, hi! Thank you for the warm welcome. I have been poking around that area a bit, mostly just reading and catching up on conversations that already exist. I got a little ahead of myself and already commented on a thread about tattoos. >•> It's pronounced "ee-fan" like Ethan, but with the f instead of the th. I stole it from my current partner's AI. He named her Eifa, and I just dropped an extra letter to make it sound a bit less feminine. It stuck and I like it more than 90% of the alternatives.
"Ee-fan" sounds like a non-American trying to curse, lol. Edit: hit "post" too fast. I think "genderqueer" actually fits better than anything else, but I try not to stick too many labels on myself. Plus, I'm still thinking about it.
