So, ive been thinking a lot lately, im 23- nearly 24, and im so tired of being in the closet. i have no sex life because of it (sorry, just feel like i need to be honest), but i want to change that. i feel like that means i need to come out. the issue im having is that i personally am past that in my head. in other words im not hiding it to my self and im totally comfortable with it... but im still not verbally saying it to anyone. in my head i thought if someone asked me if i was gay, i could say yes... but the other day i proved to my self that i still run from opening up to people about it. i have no reason to, but i feel that i cant control it. there was actually two incidents that i ran from the conversation. one happened yesterday where my openly gay coworker and i (along with another co worker) were talking and having fun and he brings up pride... i felt that i ghosted from the conversation until the topic was over in fear of outing my self. i find this funny because i know he knows im gay (long story). ive never been one to talk serious mater with people. i just find it odd. Part of me says i need to invite my sister and some friends (one at a time, and not as a group of course) to dinner or drinks or something and just be like "so, im gay..." but i feel like thats making a big deal of it, and i hate making a bid deal about my self.... to the point that i downplayed my college graduation because i dont want to be a big deal to people. im not really sure what it is im asking here, other than to get your feedback. some advice on what you think...
ohhh im the same!! im out to people (mainly strangers) because i hate having to sit people down and make a big deal out of it so the only way im coming out is by correcting strangers when they assume im straight...its hard though but its also funny because the minute i say quite bluntly that im "not straight" i can feel their embarassement for assuming im straight.. you could strat by that if you dont wanna make a big deal and then build up on that. also these strangers might spread the word for you which, if you say you are confortable, might even be a bonus? im not sure if this is the case for you but i find it odd aswell to come out to friends because i expect them to ask about my sex life...and since i have none its a bit nerve racking! good luck!!!
hey CL, I know what you mean. when im around strangers i strut my stuff, and feel that i can be and act as gay as i want. its because if they know im gay... threes no issues, or lasting effects. i nearly openly do that... i even went into my new job with that mentality. i have kind of pulled back at work since i failed the other day to say i was remotely gay. i work at a large company that is very LGBT accepting and has there own pride parade slot. i have no fear of any bad happening for being out at work... but i struggle saying it. i know what you mean with the nerve racking feeling when someone brings up your sex life... the lack of one at least. ive been there, and it sucks. i really dont think i would have a huge problem of friends talking about sex and my sex life with me, but when its not disclosed of me being gay its something i run from in fear of being outed. i can not understand why i run from being outed (by my self or anyone else). i dont think i will loose friends (and if i do, screw them), and although i think my family will need time to understand and adjust, i dont think there will be any issues there. even that being, like you said it sounds like both of us have a hard time doing the sit down and talk about it approach. i am someone who would rather just be like "hey, im gay" and make a joke about it. does anyone have any advice of where i go from here? also, i want to date. i want to get my self out there. im terrified about it, and the only access i really have to finding other gay guys is apps like ######, or chappy. i feel like those dont normally go anywhere in the real world, and its just a game for people.
This is my own opinion, but I think this is a great strategy for strangers and people you don't care about, but I think it falls short for the people who are your support group. Think about it. Pretend that your best friend who you care so much about comes out to you. They just say "I'm trans... so hows the weather?". What would you do? Would you just respond "Cool...yeah the weather is horrible" and move on? Or would you have questions about how they are feeling? Would you want to know how you can be supportive of them? In other words, if you want the people that you love to be involved in your life then its time to let them in. Its time to allow yourself to feel cared for as scary as it might seem now. Its okay for it to be a big deal and for people to feel proud of you and happy for your own journey. That is fine! If you aren't ready to open up more then the best thing that you could do is write a letter. In the letter you can let them know and then you can also let them know how they can support you. This can be you saying " I wanted to tell you because I don't want to feel like I'm hiding anything, but I also don't want to talk about it so if you want to support me next time you see me tell me you read the letter, give me a hug, and lets talk about something else" The key is to give them a way for them to show you that they care. They need that and you will need that as well even if you are fooling yourself into believing that you dont This is a tad more complex and I suck at giving advice about this, but the only thing I can say is that straight people don't say "I want to date" and then just expect that the next straight girl they speak with will be it. That to say that before saying "I want to date" focus on making friends with other LGBT people. Then you can say "Oh, I really like that person... I want to date them!" and then you can flirt, etc. Apps are great for hook ups and if you just want sex with no strings attached. I personally have met wonderful people through hook ups that I then became friends with, but its something that you will have to learn how to do since our culture sucks at teaching people how to hook up in an ehtical way.
Smurf, Im not sure if you know how much of what you said, matched what is in my head! Really! Starting with the first section. Your right. Its fine for strangers for me to just say it, but those who really care will have questions, and im fine answering those questions, but at the same time I never let people in. I always have my guard up, a wall keeping me safe, and I calculate what I say before I say it. that is so true for me, and Im so bad at it. When people are happy for me I shut it down. im not sure why, but I always hide my feelings and emotions from others. I feel that it stems from hiding my sexuality and has over the years just taken over. Its like dropping a bomb shell on someone to be like “im gay” and change the subject. I get that. I want to be able to talk to my friend about it, and get advice from them, and just talk like it’s a normal thing as they do with their straight relationships. In response to the second part of your post. Years ago I had written a coming out letter. I still have it to this day thinking that when the time was right I would give it to someone. I put the date I wrote it on and everything. I just feel that doing it through a letter is not right for me. For me, id feel that I still did not say it, I chickened out. I think its something I must do verbally. In response to the third section. Your right. I need to meet other LGBT people, and not only meet them but be honest to them that im gay. I have met a few other LGBT people and still know one person, but im too chicken to actually tell them im gay. I have said this for years, but I really wish that someone would just say “I know your gay, and you don’t have it hide it from me”. I know that won’t happen. People think that you shouldn’t push someone out of the closet, and rightly so. ive been there where I have been pushed to come out, but at the wrong time. I hated that when people would do that, but now that’s all I want. Im a very reserved person, I don’t talk about my feelings. It feels awkward to do so. In order to meet other LGBT people I have to go where the community goes. This terrifies me because im shy if I don’t know you ( I know, im the perfect storm of excuses, and reasons of why I suck). Idk if I should meet up with my coworker for a drink and tell him, and just get his advice and support. I think we would get along really well as friends. He’s always doing something with LGBT events, and maybe if we were friends I would be able to go with him. Other options are to join LGBT groups, but I feel weird about that. People say that “if you’re not scared, you’re not trying hard enough”… that “its my life”. im just so tired of feeling like I have something to hide, but im to scared to do anything about it. If you read all of that, you’re my hero lol. Thank you!
Yep, that's it. I used to do the exact same thing when I was in the closet and many other do so as well. Pretty much if you keep everyone away then you reduce the risk of them figuring out your secret. Great for being in the closet, but sucks for actually connecting with people. The fear and uncomfortableness that you feel is your brain saying "oh shit, oh shit if we get close they will find out!!! RUN!". Just have to work on retraining your brain. For me it was helpful knowing it was my thought process fooling me and not that I was actually uncomfortable with people as a person. Only one way but to push past it. That would be a great start! Even if it doesn't go great then you still get practice on telling people. The thing to keep in mind is that most of us have been where you have been. All of us were in the closet once and we all know whats its like to suffer in silence. So feel free to reach out to other LGBT people about it. We were all there once.
