So first of all, kind of awkward with the name being my birth name and the profile pic being a crappy drawing of a girl, but I didn't want to fool anyone by presenting as a girl and talking about all these issues and causing confusion. Anyway, never mind about the profile details. Ever since I started puberty I desired to have the body of a girl, but it never bothered me until just around eight months ago when I came to the revelation that I actually wanted to be a girl. Since then it's grown to the point that I get depressed because of it and it causes me to lose touch with the rest of the world quite a bit. Last week I even wanted to cut myself because I wasn't a girl. You might read all this and suppose that I know exactly what I want, but you'd be dreadfully wrong. There are periods, like the one I'm in now, where I just don't feel dysphoric enough to transition. This causes an intense amount of anxiety because i get really worried that I won't ever want to be a girl enough to transition, so in these times of identity confusion I tend to force myself to feel bad so I can feel valid again. Eventually the feelings of dysphoria will come back, but then what if they don't? It all really confuses me because I know how absolutely terrible the hardships of transition are. I'd never wish it on anyone, so why am I so damn worried about potentially never transitioning?! In fact, it seems to me that it should be a relief that in these times I'm not feeling dysphoria because I'm not hating my body, so what gives?! It's all so tiring. If i never transition i feel like I could tolarate having a masculine body, but it would be one hell of a disappointment. One theory I have about it is that I got so used to wanting to be a girl that I grounded my identity in it, but now that I'm not feeling so dysphoric, it breaks the foundation and I take a decent into chaos where I don't even know who I am or what gender I'm even supposed to be anymore. I know this was probably an absurd ramble but I would deeply appreciate it if any person with insight could give me input. It feels like I'm breaking down here.
There are different kinds of dysphoria. It doesn't just have to be physical (e.g. sexual characteristics). There is also social dysphoria (e.g. pronouns, name, how others perceive you). The fact that you say it would be a hell of a disappointment to never transition seems like dysphoria to me. I actually have a sibling who has described to me almost exactly what you've written. They don't have the same kind or intensity of dysphoria that I have - so they are unsure whether they will ever pursue transition because they can "tolerate" having a male body. But they've told me that if they could just wake up female, they would so much rather that. For them, and possibly for you too, perhaps it isn't entirely feelings of not being "trans enough" but more a fear of transition. Like you said, it's a hard road. There are physical and emotional challenges. There is a possibility of being rejected by those close to you. I told my sibling that, you know, maybe they don't have to go through with medical transition if they don't feel it's right for them. Try other things, like experimenting with your clothes, makeup, and haircut. Maybe ask to use gender neutral pronouns. It is possible you may not fit cleanly into the binary trans narrative - and that is okay. At the end of the day, you're you no matter what. Change all you want or don't change at all. The person you are is beautiful. And I hope you can find a place where that dysphoria is resolved, be it through medical or non-medical steps of transitioning.
the interesting thing about all this is that I actually decided a long time ago that if I transition, I would want to transition completely, parts and all. It just made sense to me, and the reason this is so interesting is because I don't feel that I have dysphoria to the degree that a lot of trans people who aren't sure about if they want to transition completely, which is ironic. When ever I'm feeling the most dysphoria, it's a crawling, anxious feeling in my gut because I feel like I'm missing so much time that I could be spending as a girl, which I would usually tend to think would brighten any situation I was in to a substantial rate. I mean just last Friday I was at a banquet and I remember feeling really down about not being able to go as a girl. But when ever I look in the mirror, I'm not repulsed by my body. It's not like I don't think it's "mine" but rather it's not what it could be which is a girls body. It's quite rare that I actually ever feel any emotional pain when I look in the mirror. That being said, there are times when I feel like something is missing from my chest, and I've always felt jealous of girls for their sex characteristics. I don't know yet if I am going to undergo transition for various factors, but I am certainly experimenting with different things. I cross dress a lot and I'm starting to do makeup. My mother also says she would allow me to grow out my hair, which is really exciting to me because it make me feel a lot more feminine. as for the fear of transition, it may be a possibility that that would be an underlying factor, however I am 17 and therefore a teenager, My frontal cortex isn't fully developed until 26 years old which means that my decision making abilities and foresight are still lacking. In essence, I know how terrible the process of transition can be, but I don't know it's gravity, and I therefore count myself a fool because I do not think I fear it as much I should, and if and when it does come, the sudden intensity of it may hit me harder than I can handle because I wouldn't be prepared. I suppose that's what I fear most of all about it. Its failure that scares me
