Hello. I’m a 33 year old guy and I’m questioning my sexuality. I’ve always considered myself straight and have had a couple girlfriends, but something has always seemed to be lacking, especially in the bedroom. It often felt like more of a chore than something I really wanted to do, but not every time. I’ve never been the one to instigate things though. In the one long term relationship I’ve been in, I feel like we were more friends than a couple. It’s been a long time since I’ve found myself attracted to a woman, but I’ve kept myself pretty isolated until recently so it’s possible I just haven’t come across a woman I’m actually attracted to. When it comes to looking at porn, I've been interested in all kinds for a few years now; straight, trans and gay, but in recent years it's been more trans or gay than straight. I never really gave it much thought. Just figured it was curiosity or just something new to change things up, but I never stopped to think if I prefer one gender over the other and I never actually had feelings for another guy (but again with the isolation) until now. I recently met a guy when I was in rehab of all places, and I’ve developed some pretty strong feelings towards him. I find myself thinking about him a LOT. I thought maybe it had something to do with being in the rehab facility, living with a bunch of guys 24/7, but I’ve been out for a couple weeks now and the feelings are still just as strong. So I’ve been going through a plethora of different thoughts and emotions doing some soul searching. I feel like I just needed to share this with someone and maybe that will help give me some clarity. Honestly I’m finding it difficult to level my thoughts and feelings of the last month and a half with a lifetime of what I thought I knew about myself (but never really stopped to consider). I've always been a supporter of the LGBTQ community but I guess I've never put any thought into whether I'm just a supporter or a part of. I know this is something I have to figure out for myself but any feedback would be appreciated
Welcome to EC. Porn is a poor predictor of someones orientation. It is specifically designed to arouse. Many people watch things that they themselves would never participate in. The real life experience might be more indicative. One thing to consider though is that as you say you were in a single sex environment. People thrust into such environments (the most well known would be in prisons) often develop behaviors that they would never participate in if they were in a mixed sex environment. I think that maybe you should consider exploring how you feel about this outside of that situation. Could you find an LGBT+ organization near you where you could mix with other people in a more casual setting and see how you might feel about this as you develop friendships with various people.
Hi! First, I think it's good you wrote this down. It sounds like you'll be ok with yourself, straight, bi, or gay? But you just don't know yet? Similar to the post above, I suggest you read coming out stories, or interact more with people who are lgbtq. Maybe this helps?
Thanks for the feedback. I agree about the porn, I just threw it in there to try and include everything that's been going through my head. But I like the idea of finding an organization where I can meet people. Connecting with people has been one of my goals anyway to avoid falling back into isolation. I don't know of any organizations off hand but I'm sure there's more than a few up in Seattle (not too far away from me) I could look into. Thanks for the advice
A more constructive test would be to examine your masturbatory fantasies without the use of porn. Where does your mind go naturally when you masturbate? Try to fantasize about thoughts of women. Try another time to fantasize about men. Does one or the other lead to a stronger arousal? When we masturbate solely to mental fantasies, and rely only upon our own minds, it can become much more clear on where your arousal patterns truly lie.
Hi, and welcome! It sounds like you may be going through a number of changes right about now, and it also sounds like you're pretty openminded about the possibilities. From what you are describing, it does sound like there's something other than just pure heterosexuality going on for you. I concur with others that porn isn't the most reliable of indicators. What I suggest is masturbating without porn, and alternating sessions between thinking about guys and thinking about girls, and then perhaps just letting your mind wander and see what direction it goes when you don't pay conscious attention. Usually, this will help to give you a clearer picture. One other piece that's worth thinking about: A significant number of the people that go for substance use disorder treatment often find out during (or soon after) treatment that they have some same-sex attraction. It isn't uncommon for the drug or alcohol use to mask sexual identity. This is the case for somewhere around 30% of people who go to treatment. So there's that. Another piece is that trauma (and this does not mean major, life-threatening trauma, it can be simply instability or emotional difficulty or unavailability on the part of the caregiving parent) underlies almost all substance use disorders. Unfortuantely, many treatment centers are not adequately trained in this area as it is newer research. So while trauma has no impact on sexual orientation, it can make it difficult to be fully in touch with emotions, which, in turn, can also mask true feelings about sexual orientation. In short, it sounds like there's reason to believe that there may be something to what you are thinking. The key is that only you can know for sure, and usually this isn't something you can snap your fingers and get an answer to... it typically takes some time to sit with, because accepting that you're other than straight is usually a pretty significant shift for most people to get their hands around. If you are comfortable exploring what I suggested above, and then talking about what the experience was like for you, it may be easier to help you get a clearer picture.
