I have taken two steps toward healing this week. (And since I'm new, here's a quick summary: 40-something woman with children married to male high school sweetheart. Recently realized I have a serious attraction to women and have developed a crush on a friend who isn't interested in anything beyond friendship. Stuck.) I told my husband that I'm unhappy. I've been hiding tears from him for a few weeks now (and my deepest feelings for years), and so when he asked me how I was last night, I just blurted out that I've been feeling sad and angry. I don't think I did a very good job expressing my feelings, but at least he's aware that I'm not happy now. I told him I feel like we aren't emotionally connected lately and I tried to explain that I have this emptiness inside that's never been fulfilled, but he doesn't really get it. He made me a list of all of the reasons I should be happy and all of the things we've been doing together. Not so helpful. I've made that list, believe me. I also told him I don't enjoy sex, that I don't feel anything. He didn't seem that concerned about it. Today, he is asking me how I am and making an effort to touch me and talk to me. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I wonder if I kind of wanted him to be angry at me and talk about not being married, but he didn't go anywhere near there. I thought about telling him that I'm attracted to women to see what response that would get, but I just couldn't do it. I'm not convinced I want to throw away my marriage. I love him and he's my best friend on most levels. I don't want to hurt him. Damn, this is hard. Second, I made an appointment with a therapist. I can't get in for a few weeks. I've been to one therapy appointment (about 10 years ago), so this is very foreign to me. I'm freaked out, but also feeling like maybe by some miracle she'll be able to help me figure this stuff out. And third, I reinforced with myself that I can't tell my friend that I have feelings for her and I need to find a way to move past them. We talked about attachment and need and there's no way she wants to hear that I have a desire for her. It would just hurt both of us. Her friendship is more important than any slim, slim chance of a future. It's much too complicated and wouldn't work.
Hi @SoulSearch Congratulations! Those are huge steps forward. I started therapy earlier this year. I've now ended that therapy, but I could see the potential for it to be helpful. When my circumstances are different I'll probably go back to it. I was really nervous about my first appoint too (and about all the others a little bit), but I found that it wore off as each session went on. I hope you get what you want out of it. It's great that you've started sharing some of your feelings with your husband. My partner is completely unaware that I'm unhappy, which means I have to hide my unhappiness, frustration and tension. Hopefully not having to hide as much will make things easier for you day-to-day. However, his reaction is not so positive. He seems to think you've got no reason to be unhappy? My partner has form for not hearing what I'm saying or being convinced that he knows how I feeling or telling me how I should be feeling, so I understand that this might be frustrating for you. His reaction to you feeling nothing when having sex is particularly worrying - is he expecting you to carry on having sex for his benefit or is he willing to work on it? Perhaps take some time to think about how your relationship is going without the sexuality stuff thrown in - would you be completely happy with that taken out of the equation? Keep us updated and take care.
Yes, I believe you are right that he doesn't think I have a reason to be unhappy. He just doesn't get it. Sounds like you know how that goes! It makes me feel selfish. I'm hoping the therapist can help me figure out how to balance my needs with the needs of my family. As far as sex, I don't think he'll push it. He doesn't seem all that interested right now either. We have sex less and less frequently - once every six weeks or so, I'd guess. I don't hate it, but I don't feel any desire or satisfaction. I've been doing it for him out of a sense of obligation. (Yeah, I know ... ) I don't think he got the hint that I might be interested in other options sexually. I don't think I'm asexual, which I am guessing is his interpretation. I definitely feel desire, just not for him. And if I could take sex out of the equation? If I could, I think the marriage would be OK. I think I could get back some of the connection we've lost, and day to day things are good. I like talking to him and doing things with him and he's a great dad. I just feel like there's more out there. Thanks for your comments. Sounds like our situations with husbands might be similar.
Yes, I understand. I occasionally think that my relationship would be OK without any sex, but in reality there are a lot of other issues. It would probably just make it more bearable for me and easier for me to pretend that nothing is wrong. As time goes on I find it more difficult. We have sex about every 7/8 weeks, which is something I sense my partner is not happy about but he's not discussed it. It's been in a slow decline over the last two or so years. I hope you get what you are looking for from therapy.
I think that if you've been together for a long time, it's not unreasonable for your husband to think your lack of interest in sex is merely due to the normal course of things in a relationship....it's not unusual to have a decreased desire in sex for people in long term relationships. There's no reasonable way he would know of your attraction to women. I would hope he would ask you more questions about why you aren't interested, etc. It's good that you're seeking therapy. I understand your feeling of thinking there's more out there. Feeling fulfilled in a relationship is not just about sex, although that's important too. Lack of feeling emotionally fulfilled is just as bad. I'm guessing you don't feel emotionally fulfilled because you say that you "feel like there's more out there." That is an important feeling, not to be ignored. I didn't always know I was attracted to women, but even before I figured that out, I felt a lack of emotional intimacy with men....I don't mean I didn't love the men I dated as people, I just didn't feel that sense of real emotional connection (and don't even get me started about the difference in sexual experience once I figured out I was a lesbian...let me just say that I learned how much I was missing quite quickly). At the end of the day, everyone is different, so my experience may not be the same as yours. I have a friend who's bisexual, but she prefers dating women. I'm hoping therapy can at least help you figure this stuff out. Good luck to you. Don't stress about it...let yourself have time to figure it out...you don't need to know the answers all at once.
