Hello! I'm Mitchell2014. My wife and I have been married for nine years and have 3 kids. Just over a month ago, I told my wife that I was having gay feelings and had a crush on a boy at work. Some backstory first - I feel like I've always been attracted to boys but was never really to able to accept that for myself until recently. When I met my wife in college that was the first time that I ever really loved a woman or was even remotely attracted to a woman. As time moved on and our relationship grew I fell in love with her so we did what two people in love do get married. I thought I was happy and at that time I was happy. So life moved on we had kids. Every now and then I'd work with a boy I found attractive but would never do anything about it. However, this past summer I was really attracted to one of the new boys. This attraction grew into a crush and I crushed hard on him but I didn't do anything about it. But one day he did something about it - he flirted with me and I flirted back. I really liked this boy and wanted to at least be friends. We started to hang out after work and we really hit it off. Friendship turned into love fairly quickly for both of us. Back to now - so my wife reacted like you would expect her to - she was hurt that a part of us just isn't there anymore. But the two of us are trying to work through it - I'm really not convinced that my wife has fully accepted the fact that I'm gay and I'm certain i'm going to have to tell her again soon. For me, I feel like I'm leading this double life right now and that's really hard. I spend all day thinking about and just wanting to be with my boy. I only get to see him like twice a week - but we FaceTime daily but its not the same. At the beginning I really didn't want to necessarily leave my wife because I do still love her and I have this deep sense of loyalty to her and the kids - I just don't want to cause all that pain. I know that sooner rather than later I'm going to have to make a choice.
Welcome to EC, Mitchell. You'll find a lot of us here in the same/similar situation as yourself. You're definitely not alone in the journey. -Rich
Mitchell, welcome to EC. As GDS8M said, you'll find a lot of people in a similar situation to you on this forum. For me, what you described is the exact situation that happened with me. Right down to the way in which my wife and I met and our life together developed, but also the feelings I had towards guys all my life until one day, I met someone who was braver than me and acted on how he felt about me. That was the trigger - right down to flirting between us - that led me to where I am today. Take your time with this. Just try and focus on what is best for your kids and you both just now. Be there for them - keep them all safe and secure - and just try and be as honest as you can with your wife about how you feel. Try not to give her false hopes, but be gentle with what you're telling her. Mine reacted as you would expect, but has since come to terms with the fact that we can still be friends and do things as a 'family' rather than live some estranged life. It's early. Post here regularly and everyone will give you support you will need.
Mitchell, as other have said, welcome to EC! Does your wife know that you're carrying on a relationship? And you refer to him as a "boy." But from your description, you're in your late 20's to early 30's. So how old is he? And you say that this friendship has progressed to love. So do you feel as though you're cheating on your wife? And how long ago did you tell your wife about your same-sex attraction? I'd say more, but without knowing any more details, it's difficult to know what to say. But please be assured that this is a caring, empathetic community. This is a safe place. (*hug*) /Ed.
i agree. couples go through changes in how they feel, is he worth acting on now or are you flattered that a younger guy is interested in you?
Thanks guys!! And yes some more details - my "boy" is the exact same age as me in fact we share the same birthday so he's really a man. No my wife does not know all the details of my relationship with him. She knows that we are really good friends and work together. I told my wife about my same-sex attraction just over a month ago. Am I cheating on my wife? That's a good question. I don't feel like I'm cheating on her at all.
Thanks for the info. Of course, sooner or later, you're right, you are going to have to make a choice. So the question is, what outcome do you want? Do you think you can put these feelings aside if you stay with your wife? From what I've seen posted here, most find the answer to be that the can't. Speaking personally, I put my feelings aside for 55 years, and here I am today, just out of the closet, but in a 25-year marriage. You said you don't feel like you're cheating on your wife, so that means that you haven't been physically intimate with your guy? If not, how do you feel about not ever being intimate with him? Have you thought about seeing a therapist to help you work through some of the issues?
