1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

new to Empty Closets

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by NaAlexandr, Apr 6, 2018.

  1. NaAlexandr

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2018
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North TX, born in Bavaria
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    hey, I’m new to this forum. I’m from Germany, so excuse my English. I moved to the states several years ago. About a year and half ago I discovered that I was gay, and I am just now beginning to come to terms with it. I have only come out to my closest friends, and I am absolutely terrified of coming out to my parents. Looking for anyone willing to listen.
     
  2. KenzyBell

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2017
    Messages:
    287
    Likes Received:
    15
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey. Welcome to EC! It's great that you're discovering yourself and that you have some people you came out to. If you ever need to talk, about anything, feel free to message me.
     
  3. NaAlexandr

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2018
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North TX, born in Bavaria
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    hey! I’m not quite sure how this website works, so idk if this is the right thing to do. Thank you so much for replying. I do have a question for you. How did you find the courage to come out to your family?
     
  4. KenzyBell

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2017
    Messages:
    287
    Likes Received:
    15
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    No problem, anything to help! And to answer your question--When I came out to my stepmom, who helped tell the rest of my family, I didn't mean to tell her, I kinda just blurted it out. But one thing that helped me accept myself, be able to be myself whenever and wherever, tell people in school+other adults, etc. was when 2 of my friends told me they are bisexual and my closest friend told me she is pansexual. not long after they told me, most of them came out to everyone and that gave me more courage to come out, it showed me I didn't need to hide my true self from people. (Sorry for the long message but I hope this helps)
     
  5. NaAlexandr

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2018
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North TX, born in Bavaria
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you so much! I really appreciate this
     
  6. KenzyBell

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2017
    Messages:
    287
    Likes Received:
    15
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    No problem!
     
  7. quebec

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    2,025
    Likes Received:
    1,057
    Location:
    Idaho
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    NaAlexandr....Hello and welcome to empty closets! There is no doubt that beginning to understand ourselves...finding out who we really are or as you said "I discovered that I was gay" can be difficult. For me it was more of finally admitting what I really always knew but tried to ignore. I am happy that you had friends that you could confide in...it's so important to have a "support system" of folks who will be there for you if things get difficult. You said that "I am absolutely terrified of coming out to my parents". That's not uncommon at all. So, a few questions (if you feel ok to answer)...1) how old are you 2) are you in high school/college 3) do you live at home 4) are you financially dependent on your parents? Answers to those questions will make it a lot easier for us to give you ideas to help. I know how scary telling your parents can be! For me however, it was the other way around...you see I am the parent who had to come out to his son....and the son is the pastor of a conservative church. I am happy to say that he has accepted the his father is gay and we both love each other very much. I am also so very proud of him for putting love for his father above a tradition of the church that is not supported by the Bible (that's another very long story). Anyway....get back to us about the questions and I know that we will be able to give you some help! So glad that you found us!!!
    .....David
     
  8. NaAlexandr

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2018
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North TX, born in Bavaria
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi! Thanks so much for replying!

    1) I am fourteen years old
    2) I am in my freshman year of Highschool
    Obviously, because of the two, I am financially dependent on my parents and I live at home. I live with my father and stepmother, who are fairly liberal in outlook and therefore likely to accept me as who I am. Regardless it is very scary. What I am more worried about is my mother, who I do not live with, but visit monthly. She is an extremely religious person and is vocally opposed to homosexuality. Even if I try to hint at it she will vehemently deny that I could possibly be anything but straight. I really don’t know how to talk to her about anything.
     
  9. quebec

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    2,025
    Likes Received:
    1,057
    Location:
    Idaho
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    NaAlexandr.....Thanks for responding to my questions! Since you are 14 and a freshman in high school you will need to be careful who you come out to. I was a high school teacher for 41 years and I know how cruel kids can be to someone who is different. Our society is changing so that it is not as bad as it was in years past, but I still think some caution is a good idea. You said that you are out to your closest friends and that is great. You need a support group to have your back if things get difficult. Coming out to friends, etc. at school without telling your parents could be a problem. If your friends talk and their parents hear what they are saying, it won't take much time for their parents to tell your parents. I've seen that happen a lot. I think you might want to consider not coming out to anyone else at school until you have told you folks. So...telling you parents. I'd like to suggest the "letter" approach. Take some time to set down and write a letter to your parents that explains how you feel and why you feel that you are gay. You might never give them the letter. Use the letter to organize what you would like to say to your parents. Go over it several times to make sure you have told them everything that they need to know, everything that you want to tell them. Make sure that the letter is organized in a careful way...in a way that makes sense and is clear and simple to understand. Writing the letter will help you organize what you want to say. It will especially help you to be sure that you don't leave anything important out. Your parents will be impressed that you have taken the time to explain how you feel in a clear and logical way. As I said, you might not give them the letter. You might prefer telling them face-to-face and that is ok too. However, one of the big advantages of actually using the letter is the fact that you could arrange to not be there when they read the letter. That has been a really big bonus to some people who knew that their parents would tend to get upset and angry if they told them in person. Reading the letter without you there can give your parents time to process and understand what you have told them. They could have time to talk to each other about it, and about you, without an emotional response that could turn into a fight if you were there. Of course if you do it this way, you will need to be available for them to talk to you in a reasonable amount of time after they read the letter. For example you leave the letter out for them when you go to school and then talk with them about it after dinner the next day. Or you go to a movie and leave the letter for them, then talk to them about it when you get home. You see what I am talking about. As for your mother who you see once a month...if you have already come out to the parents that you are living with, you could ask them to help you plan what to say to your mother and how to say it. I understand the religious issue....I am religious. It took me a while to reconcile my faith with the absolute fact that I am and always was gay. I studied a lot and read a lot and I now understand that the passages used in the Bible to condemn being gay have been mistranslated. Those passages are mostly talking about sex with temple prostitutes as idol worship or sex used as rape to humiliate and destroy an enemy. They are not talking about committed same-sex couples as we know them today. I know that there were gay people back then...there have always been LGBTQ people. They were not talking about someone who understands that their sexual attraction is to some one of the same sex. It was a concept that just didn't exist at that time in history.
    I don't think that you could use the comments that I just made to enlighten your mother, I doubt that she would accept it from you. So I tell you that for your own sake. If your mother is willing to condemn you because or your sexuality the best thing that I can suggest is to talk with your dad to be sure that you are safe...that your mother doesn't try to have you "fixed" to be straight. Believe me, you are not broken and do not need to be fixed. You want to especially avoid being made to talk to a minister or christian therapist by yourself. If she insists that you talk to one of those, then you should insist that you have your father with you. I am assuming from your post that you think your father will accept you. I would hope that he would not only be willing to be with you if that happens, but that he would insist on being with you.

    OK...all of that, but there is still one more important part of the process. YOU decide when to come out. If you don't feel ready, don't do it. Wait until you are ready...I'm not saying that you should wait until you're not nervous or scared because that won't happen. Even with the best preparation, you will still be scared! But the preparation that you put into it will make the process so much easier. I wish that straight people could understand how tough it is to come out. Perhaps one day it just won't matter anymore who we are attracted to and we can just be us.

    If you have any questions at all...just post them here and we will do our best to help!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #9 quebec, Apr 8, 2018
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2018
  10. NaAlexandr

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2018
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North TX, born in Bavaria
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you so much! I still don’t think I am ready now, but when the time comes, I will try writing a letter to them.