Ok here goes Hi all, my whole life I have felt different, isolated and awkward never seeming to fit in anywhere. I am married with two young boys and have had a lot of trouble accepting the roles of husband and father as it did not seem to fit me as a person somehow. About 8 years ago after some soul searching, I came across the idea that I felt feminine inside and came to the conclusion that I was transgender. I have seen several phycologists who have disagreed, saying I'm just more feminine than most men. Fast forward to a month or two ago I was listening to music on the computer and, it wasn't a voice but a thought in my head that said 'just admit that you're gay'. I said to my self I'm not though I like females and then the thought came in that basically what I wanted in a female was a male in a female body. The more I thought about this the more I can remember from my past. I've been terrified of being gay all my life, and I'm now thinking I might have been gay but I've shut it down and buried it deep inside out of fear. I've ran for a long time but can't run any further I have to be me and learn to love myself no matter what but I don't want to lose my family, they mean everything to me. Thanks for reading, hopefully there are others who feel similar out there
Hello, welcome to ec. It’s good you started to understanding yourself, I hope you will learn to be you and to love you and I hope your family will support you !
Hi, My names James first off because a name to some words makes it more human I think! i can totally understand how you are feeling! I’m 54 and in my late teens and early 20’s I messed around with lads and then because in a small town, back then, gay wasn’t really done I cracked on with a ‘normal’ life, I went out with girls, eventually met my wife and we got married, had three beautiful girls and were married and still are, for 23years. I’ve always known, hidden and suppressed for sure but always know that it was men for me! Covid came and lockdown and the time to think as we were all confined and all that came out. Until last year I managed to keep it in but my work was so stressful, life was just too much and I couldn’t hold it in any more. I knew I had to tell my wife to be fair to her and me. Our sex life had become nonexistent because I just felt so much guilt with those other thoughts going through my head. I told a couple of friends in the week leading up to me telling my wife, a test drive if you like of what was to come. They were really shocked, I’m a bloke, never shown any signs and they were really shocked. My best mate is an Aussie and it was him I told. Telling my wife was the most awful experience of my life! Her world changed in one evening and she is the most amazing person ever, she didn’t deserve that but neither did she deserve to be lied to or me to cheat on her, which would certainly have happened if I’d not been honest. I said my wife is amazing, but she is extraordinary, I can’t tell you the capacity of this woman, to be able to process, to manage, she is just incredible! The days that followed were horrible as she processed all I told her. But I and we wanted to tell our girls. They are 15, 17, 21 so grown but we have been the perfect family, really this is what everyone has ever said. We told them a few nights later and it was hard and horrible, full of confusion and questions. So I moved out after a couple of weeks because for our youngest, parents that separated didn’t live together and she needed that clarity, I guess we all did. This all happened last August, so now as I write this it’s the last day of January. We’ve found a system, a new way of life. My wife will always be my best friend and I hers. There have been some tough days/ weeks but she is seeing there is a life for her and I am there, financially and as a partner and Dad. With the girls it’s been easier, nothing has changed as a family for us, we are still strong, we all do things together. Each week we eat together, all of us, the girls come and visit, we have coffee in the week, I message my wife and she to me each day, we talk like before. For me, life is lonely at the moment. I’ve invested my time to make sure my family is safe and as happy as possible but I need to give some attention to me now because why do all of this and then do nothing for me? I every day regret telling them, hanging everything, breaking my beautiful family but then in the same instant I remember I like men! I see a psychologist and this has been an amazing thing and I can’t recommend enough. Ultimately you have to be true to you and your heart, there’s no replay in this life. Be the best version of you possible is what I believe and I’m a better version of me now for my family and eventually I hope for me. I hope this helps you and don’t hesitate to send a message if I can help
Jimbow.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! I came out later in life too and I understand how tough it can be. It sounds to me like you are doing a good job of being a father to your girls and also being there for your wife even though you are currently living together. You deserve credit for being honest and for still supporting your family...not everyone who comes out does that. We are here for you on EC, so ask any questions and we'll do our best to answer and help you in any way that we can. *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
Sorry to hear about your seperation, can only imagine how tough it would be. When I came out as trans to my wife was also the worst night of my life so I'm extra cautious about discussing these feelings with her even though I need to. My eldest is 8 and he's so much like me it scares me because it brings back all my bad memories like they're being replayed over and over of when I was a confused 8 year old. I need to be me for my kids and all my family and I think that goes beyond dated views of what a man is and should act like which I've been struggling with. Sorry for rambling on but I guess I just need to share anonymously here to get it out
Too Old.....You can be the dad that helps his son...you can be there to help him understand any confusion that he might have. Do for him what you didn't have...that's what a real father is. I grew up which an abusive (verbally) step-father. I decided when I was only about 10 years old that I would be a father that helped his children, loved them and was there for them when they needed me. Be that for your son. .....David :gay_pride_flag_
Thanks David, they are kind words and I’m enjoying investigating all the groups. It’s nice to be able to speak openly with likeminded people although I have to say that I received nothing but positivity from those around me, my family and my friends. It’s fair to say that now I’m struggling to see a way forward or a future. I’m finding meeting people difficult.
Hi Too Old, It sounds like you’re having a tough and confusing time. I’m really sorry! What happened after you told your wife. Has life changed, is she accepting to allow you to be who you are? My children are my everything. Mine are all older than your little fella. I have three girls, 15, 17 & 21, but what ever age they still need there Dad. So be the best Dad you can be I think, make sure he knows you are there to talk about anything and everything without any judgment. Talking is so important, being you is so important so if you can’t talk to your wife, which is so tough, try to find someone that you can talk to, it will help so much. Always here if you need a chat James
My impression from your post is that your particular combination of - (1) gender identity and (2) who you're attracted to - is somewhat complex. But it's certainly not rare, and nor is it something to be ashamed of. As a cis-gender man, having an insistent feminine side does not make you gay; after all, you said nothing about * being attracted to other men, nor to male anatomy * . Even if if you're drawn to women whom you find relatively masculine, you could still situate yourself somewhere on the heterosexual spectrum, if you feel more comfortable with that.
I think that perhaps I have been attracted to males but have been in denial, like I've hidden it away from everyone including myself. That's what I think anyway, I'm not 100% sure if that's even possible but that's why I'm here asking if anyone else has experienced this?
Yes they are more with the same problem and I'm still not totally out but I do see a few guys now and really I'm so addicted to having a man touch me and want him to kiss me it's created another problem It don't ever end for anyone. Don't let more time pass you will regret it and just go out and look around for a guy you like and if he likes you he will understand your situation. I have found some really nice guys and some real bad ones to. Hope the best for you and I have faith
