Have you ever considered never coming out to your parents? I am originally from Russia but have been living in New Zealand for almost 5 years now and planning to stay here and get a citizenship eventually. Very unfortunately my parents are of quite old-fashioned views - a woman must have a proper family, a bunch of kids, career is secondary... I am childfree, never been interested in having kids but my parents (especially my mother) cannot deal with a thought of childless me. My mother professed me once that if a woman doesn't want to have kids it is a medical problem that requires treatment. I am quite sure that coming out as a childfree woman will get me disowned by my family. Coming out as gender-fluid and bisexual... I am way to scared to even imagine the consequences... Realistically I can manage my parents never knowing about any of this, I've been entertaining the idea of "full disclosure" in my "new" life in NZ and coming out to my friends back in Russia in confidence (fortunately my friends and my parents live in different part of Russia and are not in any contact, also my parents don't speak English and believe they are too old to travel to New Zealand ever). Have anyone been in a similar situation? Are there ways to deal with this that I can't see?
Privet, well, If they have soviet views it is not likely they will accept this about you. The question is what it is worth it for you? Will you feel more free? Will it make it mentally easier for you to have them know? If it only causes you pain and there is no chance of them changing their mind I would not come out. At least you are not living near so if you do choose to tell them it will not be a danger. But...Won't you still come for holidays? I'm just concerned for you safety and the result. Not all parents can accept it but some just take time.
My situations is vaguely similar, but definitely not as dire as yours. I choose not to come out because it'd be uncomfortable, but you have so much more to lose. You definitely do not have to tell them. It sounds like your mom doesn't understand you very well. I'm sorry. I wish you good luck.
Does it really matter if you come out to them? If you know it won't go well then maybe it's not worth it. You might think about it from a practical standpoint ... why do they need to know this information? Because you're involved with someone? Because it will be awkward when you seem them? In other words, if you know they will react badly then telling them because you want to be more honest and real to them probably won't do any good ... unless you can accept whatever may happen. Otherwise give them enough information to answer their questions, such as "I don't want to have children."
Obviously only you really know your parents. I felt pretty certain that my parents would disown me. I came out twenty-five years ago in Utah to very religious parents. At that time we didn't even know anyone who was gay--it seemed like a done deal. But they rallied because they love me. In the end it really just came down to that. It was hard for everyone but in the end I think we were all better for it. My mother once commented afterwards that it was like I was "finally really there." My father commented that it was like there had always been this thing about me that he just didn't get and now that he knew what it was he could finally reach across it. I didn't even realize that people could feel that reserve, that constant holding back, but they could. The fact of the matter is that when you are in the closet, especially if you are there because you assume people wouldn't love you if you weren't, you're operating under the assumption that the people you care about don't actually care about you. It's no way to have a proper relationship. In my opinion if you care about your parents you owe it to them to share yourself with them. My parents are gone now and I can't imagine how I would feel if we had never really gotten to know each other.
Wow, that is so familiar and well said. My father passed five and a half years ago and he never knew anything about how I struggled with my sexuality. The inability to share that part of myself really put an unspoken divide between us. It does suck sometimes thinking how he never got to really know me. My mom has known I was, at least questioning, since I was like 16.
Coming out to them, if you ever decide to make yourself vulnerable in such a way, is the ultimate form of expressing your independence and taking your life into your own hands. But with your situation, you need to weigh that against the risks of your relationship with them and the mourning period the need to go through losing the daughter they set their own expecatations of having.
Hi everyone and thank you so much for all your stories and advice! It is very assuring to hear stories about people deciding to never come out to their parents, you usually don't hear these stories and it seems that coming out to your parents is a "must". OGS and angeluscrzy, I'm very glad to hear that coming out to you parents worked out so well, the problem with my parents is that I don't think they actually want to know me, I've been through many situations where I confided and opened up about some part of me but it didn't fit with what my mother wanted me to be and I was judged and sometimes even punished. For a very long time now I'm just hiding everything from her (even the things that she would approve of), it's a bit easier with my dad but eventually he tells everything to my mom. I asked myself million times if I'm blowing this out of proportion or focusing too much on the bad parts (otherwise my parents are very good to me) but my brother independently developed exactly the same response to my mom - tell nothing even under third degree... All coming out stories (at least the ones I've encountered) have very similar silver-lining - obtain validation by your parents or work through parents not accepting you to achieve self-validation. I feel like I'm a bit past that - I am never going to be validated by my parents and live up to their expectations, there are too many things wrong with me: career, tastes, goals in life, sexual orientation, gender identity... I've accepted this a long time ago, one more thing on the list doesn't make any difference really. But all those coming out stories made me think that there is something very important that I might be missing by not coming out to my parents and I'm very glad to know I'm not alone in my decision to leave them out
Obviously everyone should do what they think is best. The thing I would say is: if you really have given up on validation from your parents, then what are you hiding for? In my experience hiding and lying warp a person over time. They just do. That doesn't mean there aren't times when they are the best way to go. There are times when there are mitigating circumstances. Indeed there are times when we need other things more than we need honesty and self-esteem (the main example that comes to my mind is certain circumstance when you are dependent on someone for a place to live). In this instance what exactly are you getting in return?
Well, the main thing I am getting in return is still talking to them. I've been in NZ for more than 5 years now and haven't been home even once and I really miss my parents and planning to come and visit them as soon as I submit my thesis. I don't think it will be possible if I come out. Also I don't feel like I'm lying or hiding although it does sound like it's exactly what I'm doing =) One wouldn't spread one's soul in front of one's work acquaintance, and it won't be lying or hiding. It is probably very twisted and wrong that my parents somehow got into the category of people I don't talk about my intimate troubles and worries but I don't feel like I'm lying or hiding. at least to some extent. at least for now
To your original question...I will never come out to my parents and tell them I am a bisexual. And, I don't feel bad about that decision. I have two gay siblings and one bisexual. When the gay siblings came out my parents were a lot like OGS's. Very accepting. They even gave up their religion (Catholic) because they did not want to hear that their children were not acceptable. BUT. My brother came out as bisexual. He had been through a divorce. My parents were furious. "He can "choose" to be straight or gay. Why even bring it up?" Even my gay brother's husband was nasty about it. "Just get it over with and be gay". My brother was estranged for several years. I love my parents. But, like you, I don't really care if they love ALL of me. Why rock the boat? I think it really depends on what we feel we need to be to be honest to ourselves. If this involves full disclosure of your sexuality to your parents, then you should come out to them. But, at least in my case, the cost/benefit ratio is just not high enough.
I guess in my case for most of my life I did consider my sexuality as a choice. I knew I had the capacity and the desire to love a person of either sex. But, when it came to looking for a partner, I "chose" to look for a woman to share my life. So, I don't fault my parents at all for not understanding what it means to be a bisexual. When/if you find someone to share your life with, you may be faced with needing to come out to your parents. To me, that's when it really matters. It is one thing just living your life your way. It is another when you bring someone else into it. Maybe you, like me, will find your love in an opposite sex relationship and the issue will never come up. I know it sounds like a copout. But, we each have to decide what is best for ourselves. When my gay brother first came out it was because he had a boyfriend and they were serious. It was important to share this with my family. Same with my sister. Until that time, they were both in the closet.
