Hi, hopefully this resonates with someone. I have had at various times in my life thought I might be gay. when I was really young (10-12) it caused me huge fear and for a while I really prayed and hoped and wanted to be anything else but gay. For whatever reason it seemed like a death sentence I suppose. As I got a bit older I sort of decided just to not engage with it at all and that would fix that. As the years went on I would be with girls and sometimes it was good but mostly it was anxious and worrying and almost like a method to prove I wasn't gay (im not proud). But it never went away. Recently I sort of fell that I'm trying to accept who I am and I suppose this is what I want to say. I feel like my body is more attuned to one thing. Being gay. But my mind and my thoughts and everything else are totally on a different plane. Probably because I sort of from a young age conversioned therapied myself. Anyway does this ring true to anyone and what do you the think or suggest. I feel completely pulled apart and don't know how to fix it. Ok thanks.
Hey I think your story will definitely ring true with lots of people here. If you read some of the other threads you will see stories a lot like yours. I think the way to fix it is to accept your true feelings and to begin to get your mind to line up with your body. It wont happen instantaneously after all the years of it going the other way but it is totally possible, it just takes a bit of retraining. Have you ever admitted your gay feelings out loud? Even if only to yourself?
Hey thanks for the reply. Yeah I have to a couple of friends and therapists. With friends I didnt say anything till about 30. I guess I don't really say it out loud to myself though.
Yeah I mean I have said it to a couple of friends but since saying it to them never really talk about it. In group I only really talk about it in the way of how I struggle to deal with it or accept it fully. Since talking to you I have been sorta saying it out loud to myself a bit. I supppose I only really think and talk about it as a negative thing if I talk about it at all.
Perhaps you could start saying it outloud and also saying outloud some positives along with it. Do you feel like you have any friends you could perhaps talk to about it a little bit more?
Yes I suppose I can do both. Or try to do both. Certainly the talking positively to myself and out loud. It's a little trickier with friends. I find that hard and certainly don't like doing in a group. Plus they are all straight men which throws me of a bit I guess. I don't know.
It is ok not to be sure and talking about stuff with straight friends at least to begin with can feel really strange. What about seeing if there are any LGBT groups near you?
Yeah I think your right. I've been going to therapy for ages and then I started going to group which is something but I don't think it is the same as finding an LGBT group. I don't think there is any near near me. Maybe in the nearest city!!!
Well I would say it is definitely worth a look, even if you cant get there that often you might just be able to make a friend or 2.
