Hey there, folks. I wanted to put this thread in Physical & Sexual Health, as I think it does tie in with both of those, and my mental health, but I'll put it there instead. If it's the wrong place, well, feel free to move it, you don't even need to ask me. I think the mention of trigger warnings at this point is useless, you've guessed it's gonna be bad. It's gonna be long, insane and boring. Have fun. There's gonna be lots of useless venting and backstory, I'll let the basic elements out of the spoiler fold. Spoiler This is my, I'd say, quite uncommon case of self harm. It's gonna be a bit messy though, and insane, insanely insane, believe me. I started self harm at 14 on May 10th 2015 at 5:32PM (after failing to tell my crush I liked him and all that jazz; I wish I never loved anyone). I remember the day. It feels as important as my birthday, or even more. I felt something weird, the satisfaction of punishing myself and the rush of endorphins, it was blissful. I scratched my skin with a pin for a while then in the middle of June 2015, started cutting It's been my preferred method since then. My case in the beginning was pretty typical and boring : I'd pick a sad song, blast it through my headphones, and replace the tears with blood, that is, until things started getting weird. I can't remember the first time it happened. At the beginning, I cut every day, but I calmed down, knowing my skin would become insensitive too fast (also, it was summer, so, short sleeves and all). At some point, in late 2015, I started wanting to quit, I think that's when it first happened. Only one friend of mine knows I self harm, and they spectated the first time it became too much. I'm not talking about the time I cut a vein and bled for 10 minutes until I started feeling dizzy, or any others until then : I was someone else. In late 2015, I started noticing a pattern in my mood, a cycle. I'd then start keeping tracks of different aspects of me (because being analytical is sometimes what keeps me sane) : my hyperactive tendencies, my down times, and arousal periods, to analyse what was going on, and, by the middle of 2016, I had created a model that applied more or less accurately : the cycle starts with a period of hyperactivity, creativity and motivation for stuff like drawing, programming, etc, followed by a long time of feeling normal (not too good but not too bad). Then, a sudden urge of sexual arousal will come for a few days (kind of like a heat), and finally, the cycle ends with a few days of intense depression leading to self harm. This cycle has been constantly repeating for at least an entire year, over the course of usually 28/29 days per cycle. During the last part I get progressively detached from reality, and eventually snap back after I wake up from self harm. During this process, I have always been half conscious, and that would be fine, if I had never woken up by then seeing that I had talked with my friend over texts before/while cutting. By then I had no recollection of it, with time, shards of memory came back, but it never felt like I was the one doing it. Another incident, more related to suicide, occured, but it helps explain why I cannot talk about it with my parents : I found myself on the verge of suicide by alcohol poisoning, tidied up everything after I snapped back to being conscious, and later after they came back home my parents asked why I had destroyed my picture everywhere in our home. It seems that on my road to killing myself I went around our home and stabbed/hid all pictures of me (I hate them, just like mirrors). It took a few months to recover pieces of memory from it. That day my father told me that if it happened again and I didn't remember it he'd have me thrown into an insane asylum for the rest of my life. I think you get that my father won't be of any help. He promissed to himself that he never would have to see a psychologist for any of his children, but by bad luck, I've had to go to one four times, at least, in my life. That pisses him off. Anyway. Things kept going on and I eventually learnt more about who the heck I was when "it happened", after waking up. I talked arrogantly, liked to see others helpless, and threatened them to "kill It when I was done playing" ("It" being me). It sounds insane, and I feel insane, I feel like it's all in my mind, but it's how it happened. When I'm in that state and still a bit conscious I just know nothing can get me out. If I don't cut, I'll get abrasive with people, I'll hurt them for them to hate me, because it feels right, I'll even destroy my own possessions. One day, I tore off all of my drawings, knowing I would feel bad afterwards, and that it could fuel my feeling to punish myself later (which it did). If I don't cut, and I can wait, I'll slowly become less conscious, I'll have a progressively monotonous voice, do mechanical/instinctive movements for everyday things like opening the fridge, I'll not talk at all, barely move my eyes, like I'm slowly going on autopilot, until I let go off things, slip off consciousness and from what I can recollect after waking up, cut whilst torturing the people who care about me. When I cannot wait, I'll enter a blind rage in which I'll seek the quickest method to hurt me. I once slamed a door close on my arm after shoving everything in my room on the floor looking for my blade (it was a mess). I didn't break my arm, but it apparently was enough. My arm felt weird for a few minutes and that was it. The only person who ever talked me back to sanity was my ex. Last point : I noticed my self harm became more and more intense. More cutting, and cutting in different places. The last time it happened, all I can remember was that I wanted to cut without caring whether I'd die or not, wishing I had a butcher knife rather than a small razor blade. That day, I cut in places I promissed I'd always leave untouched (because of how I like them, just aesthetically speaking; it's weird). I mostly cut on my left arm, but occasionally changed to cut my calf, and lastly, pubis/shaft.. The first time it happened, I barelly recall going on a rant with my friend about how I wanted to destroy my sexual impulses and replace them with pain, saying that it's just all endorphins in the end. It's weird, it felt bad for a few days, but penile skin has amazing regenerative properties it seems. So yeah I'm messed up in the head, and hopeless, yey. I don't even know why I'm posting this any more... So, here's the situation : Self harming for almost two years Unable to stop, and getting into pretty bad levels of self harm Have had self destructive/self sabotaging/self deprecating tendencies since early childhood Can absolutely not expose the issue to my parents Can absolutely not expose the issue to my school Waiting doesn't work, it only makes me feel worse. I cannot focus on other activities, and that can go on for almost a day before I become violent (withdrawal?). I can enter a terrible rage if I cannot fulfill the urge quickly enough, and will use any mean to hurt myself by then Sleeping it off will only make me moody for about a week before I go downhill again (I tried) The most important element to me, which makes my case different from most of those I've read about, is that a while before I feel the need to cut, I'll enter a weird mental state in which I not only feel detached from reality, but also my usual thought process. I can anticipate when I'll self harm days before it happens, but I can't do anything about it. I'll be half conscious, and later, mean, rude or offensive even (which is why I have to lock all my accounts when I feel "it" is gonna happen), but craving for an audience to helplessly try to talk me out of it, but by then it's like they're not talking to me, as I slowly feel like I drift away from reality, kind of like falling asleep, but something else that has taken over me and wishes to destroy me and watch people hurt over not being able to help. I'll have no memory, I'll do things without remembering, until I finish cutting. It's weird to explain, and even more when I explain it, I feel insane, but it's what happens, and that is what is the most worrying to me. I've never read any story like mine. Usually, people who self harm are dealing with depression (which I most likely had at some point in the past three years), or body dysmorphic disorder, but rarely with stuff that weird. So, what would you do? I do wanna have some input from people who may already have had to deal with, maybe not similar, but cases of self harm in general, before it happens again (in about two weeks I think). I do not necessarily feel like I can ever stop cutting, as it fulfills perfectly the natural tendency I've always had to punish/destroy myself, but I need to stop whatever else is happening that self harm has become a component of. Thanks for your responses. PS: My grammar's probably broken, as I tried to cram as much as possible in there and rephrased some stuff in the process. I'll clarify any unclear point in the thread.