Need advice on how to deal with my mother

She is constantly ranting about how unhappy and unfair her life is because she's in an abusive marriage, she lives in a poky house and because has the responsibility of managing all of my brother's financial affairs because he refuses to take it on himself.

Despite her unhappiness, she is making absolutely no effort to change things and never has done.

Instead, she constantly dumps all this negative 'emotional baggage' onto me and I can't cope any more.

Quite frankly, the way she treats me is disgusting. The way she treats my dad is disgusting, even though he has done a lot to hurt her over the years.

Why can't she sort this out like an adult? Sit down, talk to my dad, tell him the way he's treating her is unfair and tell him that unless he changes she is leaving him? Or if she's that unhappy, why won't she get a decent paying job so she can afford to leave him?

Instead she just keeps on ranting and screaming like a banshee, blaming everyone but herself for her own misery when ultimately she's responsible. Why can't she see that? Why can't she own up to it?

I'm constantly getting into an argument with my mum because she's so highly strung. The littlest thing can set her off. For example, I asked her today if she'd received a phone call from someone who told me they had tried calling her. She had gone out shopping and forgotten her phone. I didn't know that she'd forgotten it so when I asked, 'Did ___ ring earlier?' She replied, 'I left my phone here! How could I have spoken to them! Didn't you hear my phone ringing?! You must have done!' And then she started screaming, 'Is it a crime to forget my phone when I go shopping now! I'm sick of everyone getting on at me all the time!'

She never behaves like this toward my brother despite the fact a lot of the 'stress' she says she has to deal with is down to him. She never speaks to my sister like this either. Only my dad who she hates and of course, me.

How do I cope with her? What is best? Do I ignore her? Please please help me.

 

It sucks that she's taking her stress out on you, but I think all you can really do is ignore her. You can't make her change her situation. She might want to, but there could be many things holding her back. All you can really do is keep your head down and try to avoid setting her off if possible.

 

Thanks. Yeah, there's nothing I can do to make her changer her situation. I've been trying for years and I've never gotten anywhere.

I suppose I've just got to suck it up but it's not easy feeling like a human punchbag I want to stand up to her and say that the way she's treating me is unacceptable but until I'm completely financially independent, it's really not a good idea. It riles me up so much though when she's taking out her anger at my brother on me and then I see her be nice as pie to him. I suppose I need an outlet so that I can manage all that she throws at me without me losing it and retaliating or allowing it to crush me completely.

 

Your second post is interesting. You sound like her, have you noticed?
You are stuck in the situation you don't like.

How do you know that she doesn't blame herself? Maybe that's why she is so unhappy. Have you tried to help her and talk to your dad to treat her better?
Btw, leaving your spouse is much harder than for kids to leave their parents and to live on their own.
How easy is it to get a job in your country? Would your father approve?

 

:icon_eek:

I don't know whether she blames herself. How can I tell? I have tried with my dad but he blames it all on my mum and the way that she treats him. That's his reason for the way he treats her. My mum can't get a job easily because she is unwilling to take any further training at her age (57). She just wants to be a stay at home housewife and now that we're adults she expects us to support her financially like paying for her to take out a new phone contract and buying her a new car, even though we can't afford those things for ourselves.

 

Thanks for the advice. Things have got a lot worse. It's not just my mum. My brother and sister have joined her 'clique' leaving me an outsider with my dad who I don't really get along with despite us being very similar personality wise. I can't be a part of the family anymore and I'm dreading Christmas. The way they're cutting me out, it hurts so much. I can't even sit down and have a conversation with them about it because my family don't do that kind of thing. None of them would sit down and listen to what I have to say without kicking off and having an emotional meltdown about how upset they are so talking to them about how their behaviour is affecting me is out of the question. I just need some advice on how to handle the situation emotionally, like an outlet or something.