Ok here we go . I remember when I was going through puberty and always only liking girls at first. Throughout jr high I had girlfriends who I dated and it all felt good . As time went on I noticed I always fell hard for them , I think I’ve fell in love with every girl I’ve ever been with lol I’m just that kind of person. I usually ended up pushing them away in result of me falling so hard for them . I had more than one of them break my heart by eventually rejecting me ,either because I’m to clingy or because I’m 5,4 and they want a 6 ft guy and blah blah , or whatever reason they may have found. By about 8th grade I started experimenting with drugs, where I grew up there was lots of casual drug use and I fell into that as well. My best friend at the time was partially the bad influence. So let’s keep in mind I’m kinda depressed at this point and feeling rejected so I just focused on me for a while. At this point I’m a virgin but I’ve fooled around and it was enjoyable I liked everything but I always felt like they didn’t want me as much as I want them. One day when me and my best friend at the time were using he told me he is bi , which I was shocked about. Slowly over the months he made some suggestions always when we were using and at first I was totally against it but one day when I was sad and lonely he offered to go down on me if I went down on him. I was extremely apprehensive but we did it, it felt good obviously but I also was really confused. At that point it was my first bj .I tried to look at it like I was practicing for when I got a girlfriend so I would’ve be more comfortable and experienced in bed . We went on to do everything as far as bjs topping, bottoming I actually lost my virginity to him witch I have never admitted till this moment. I remember pretending he was a girl while I was having sex with him . He was kinda a asshole abusive bully kinda freind he was one year older than me and remember always looking for acceptance from all places when I was a teen . Eventually me and him drifted apart and I slept with a few women over the years and I enjoyed it a lot but again I always feel in love with them and that always seems to turn women off if you show to much love . Eventually I let my wife and everything was perfect for a long time. Then about 10 years into the marriage my wife kinda started acting like she wasn’t as into the marriage as much as me . She eventually cheated on me and we decided to work things out because we still love each other but that devastated me she is still and was then my best friend also , I’ve never been as close to someone as I am to her . Because of all this I wondered why my best friend my wife the person I trust the most would hurt me so bad . In her defense I’m not the greatest in bed I suppose , maybe she’s had partners that are better sexually but I’m a willing person who will do anything if you teach me . So I told her we should work on our communication and she should teach me more about her body . During this time I was asking myself why is this happening to me . I started to look at my entire life and analyzed every part . I began to remember my teen years witch I shrugged off as just experimenting. But I would get aroused thinking about it. That scared me a bit I actually panicked. I slowly began to accept I must be bi because I was obviously turned on by the thought. But I also really enjoyed women , more than men by the way . I remember the no strings attached way it was with the guy I fooled around with but I never wanted a relationship with him. With women I love being in a relationship with them , but I’ve always felt like I fall short for them or something. I’m the type of person that if I lack in one area I’ll make it up in another area. I’ve never told anyone about all this it’s just been something in the back of my mind it usually popped up when I was facing some rejection or hurt from a female and then wondered if my past has anything to do with this . I kind of look back and realize that the rejection I went through I developed the ability to be with both genders out of being sad lonely and wanting companionship. I never was with another man since high school and I’ve always been faithful to my wife, but during a time when my wife and I we’re going through it I began to have these vivid dreams about him , so vivid I would have a wet dream. I began to wonder why I’m Having these dreams . I started picking apart my life and realized I am bi I love women probably more then they love me , but I also like the easy straightforwardness of when I was with him . Today me and my wife are doing better but nothing is perfect. We’ve been married 19 years and are still best friends. All of a sudden though I do have these fantasies of being with a guy and I get super horny when I think about it. I have to note that I also am still extremely turned on by my wife so that’s why it’s so confusing. But I’m here I’m taking it one day at a time.
Your story is interesting. When women cheat, it's typically because they're not getting the non-sex attention. Men typically cheat because they're not getting the sex attention. Estrogen is a libido suppressor. Testosterone is a libido stimulant. Men typically feel love or attention during sex. Women typically feel love before sex begins, via face-to-face communication, and other mental and emotional stimulation. Men are typically shoulder-to-shoulder communicators. Did your wife ever ask you to look at her when you're talking to each other? That's one of the MANY differences between men and women. If you're wife feels loved, she'll be more open with sex. I know it sounds crazy, but the way she will, most likely, feel loved, is if you help around the house, listen when she talks, chitchat with her, and if you're spiritual, pray with her. Do things you used to do when you were courting. Does she know you have these fantasies about men?
You bring up some interesting points. I’m actually the type of man that puts lots of time into the non sex things . I kinda feel like I could be better in the sex department though. Women can be difficult to read and hard to please lol . Our relationship is doing pretty good some things could be better. I don’t think I could ever tell her about that side of myself, what women would wanna here tgat about her man . I’ll probably take that shit to the grave . I just am not sure why I’m fantasizing about it now I haven’t ever really
Do you mind if I pray for you? I won't if you don't want me to. I'm asking permission. I'm a Christian, but I don't force my religion on anyone. I would just ask God to touch your heart, mind, and soul.
Yes please that would be great! I often wonder god created everything why did he make me this way? I accept that I’m bi but I do feel guilt at times
God made you perfect. You're just too critical of yourself to see it. Trust Him. I'm praying for you.
I really just want to accept myself. I tried many times to pray it away but I became more depressed. I’m beginning to accept myself thanks to people like you
What can you tell us about your family and the community you grew up in? What messages did you hear about same sex intimacy and love as you were growing up and what messages do you hear and/or believe today? I ask these questions because negative messages about homosexuality and bisexuality can seep into our subconscious and lead to all kinds of repression and denial and a kind of inner bargaining. I also ask because you felt shocked when your friend first told you he was bi, which suggests to me that you were ill at ease with the idea. Even after you fooled around with him you chalked it up to gaining experience for the day when you would have a girlfriend. Bisexual people sometimes bargain that they can pull it off as straight, because they are emotionally and physically connected to members of the opposite sex. What do you think about that? Is it possible that you bargained the same... that you would settle down with a wife and grow to love her so much that those same sex attractions and fantasies would fade to zero? Sad to say that the bargain doesn't work... not in the long term. What we suppress and deny always returns. It's possible that the issues you have experienced in the course of your marriage with cheating and being hurt and rejected allowed space for latent feelings to remerge quite powerfully. Even though you have managed to repair the damage of cheating, you are and always will be aware that it happened and a repair job was necessary. Sometimes, we only need a weakness in that repair for things to set in. At this stage, I think you are working through the questions and don't want/need to divulge how you are feeling to your wife and that's okay. I can't promise that you will always feel this way though and I would encourage you not to build a wall around that idea. For now though, I hope the questions and remarks I have posted about prove to be helpful as you are looking at the questions about your sexuality. There is more to unpack, but I think some questions about your background might be informative. By the way, don't try to pray it away. Many have tried and it never works.
Wow man your question is so deep and good. To start I grew up in a house that was pretty progressive my parents never said anything bad about gay people. As for a community I think America as a whole in the late 80s early 90s was pretty homophobic . I never thought about same sex relationship really as pre teen no one really talk about it. I know I remember being interested in girls first but also feeling like nervous and I’ve Always kinda lacked confidence with women. I remember always being the clingy one and driving them away. This led to me wondering why my girlfriends never worked out . Around that time me and my friend started fooling around. And we both enjoyed it . I actually lost my virginity to him . I was kinda inexperienced only had kissed and felt up girls before that . I definitely did do some mental bargaining over the early years in that time then it kinda went away when I met my wife. But whenever our relationship is rocky I think about being with a man . Mostly just for sex . I miss that experience . My wife is my best friend still even though the rough times. Although I wish I could fulfill that side of my desire but still stay with her. It’s super complicated but talking to you I’m starting to accept and at least not hate myself. I’m reading lots of helpful comments on here
