My Story: Long Term Porn Addiction Effects On The Mind & Sexuality of A Young M

I just wanted to share this autobiography I wrote of my life under the influence of porn and masturbation addiction some days ago. Majority of you may see it as a joke, nonsense or some other mess. But I could care less because I have learned that the truth can only come from the one that knows it, and will always be the only one that knows it, those that he tells, only heard of it and can only believe it as truth, or as a lie. So it is he, who carries that truth to his grave. I have no doubt that there are many people like me, and it is because of them, I tell my story, it is them that I hope realizes they're not alone. Whether it be some form of addiction, or anything that has destroyed their life and crippled their well being.

*I don't expect anyone to read even half of what ever I do write, you don't have to read all at one, take breaks PLEASE, but what's wrong with me may be wrong with many others out there. Everyone has a story, who says it shouldn't be told?*

Hi all, I'm Rich, I'm 18 years old and I have been addicted to pornography and masturbation for well over eight years now...and this is how i imagine my introduction would sound if I were in a real support group (ya know, with the presenter and people in chairs with a deep story?). But anyways, if one were to ask, "how'd that work out for ya?" I would simple say that it screwed my life with no remorse. I'm not sure how it all started out for the rest, and I know this sure as hell seems cliché-but my first time seeing a woman half dressed was on a VHS tape. I was blown away, but I told my mom and she cut it off. The image of the woman lingered in my mind though.

I guess you can say that's when I became curious sexually about girls for the age that I was. I would discover these amazing series on HBO, Cinemax, and Showtime that featured nude women, Soft-core Pornography. One day I was flipping channels and found the porn section accidentally. I was HIGHLY tempted to buy the channel, and after a long thought I just went ahead and pressed "buy" with the remote. There it was, some blonde girl wearing latex (which I think is why I like latex girls now all of a sudden, Susan Wayland for specifics) letting a man perform oral sex on her. I can't quite remember exactly what happened next but soon my mom called them and had it removed, I lied and said it was on accident.

Apart from my new late night hobby, I would search for DVD's in the living room that looked like it had suggestive content and masturbate to it. I recall when I just fell in love with 70's women, once I seen Piranha (the original) and the lead girls plus the breast flash scene (I would masturbate all night to that scene). I was around 10 or 11 during that time, which is when Hardcore porn was new to me once I had a desktop. The game definitely changed then, you had the full view of both stars, the blowjobs, the money shots, which were all not present in Soft-core. I quickly began gathering Porn stars I liked and many of their names soon became stamped in my brain. Besides the porn, I still had a slightly okay life. Around that time I found I had a brother who left and never came back when I was a baby, most of my good friends moved, but I still had my X-Box.

I did have a relationship in 6th grade and I would explain how it started because it's really cute, and memorable but that's too much. Her name was Stephanie, she was a normal urban girl who was funny, laid back, and beautiful. To end memory lane short, I screwed up by getting interested in another girl at our school who soon didn't like me either, all because I cut my hair (I don't like my hair short now either, go figure). My porn use during that time is pretty blank, so I can't say what I've done as for as porn goes. I did get a breakout at that time which may or may have not spanned over the course of those years in what seems to be a permanent skin condition for me (none of my prescriptions helped it, and if it did, it was too expensive to keep getting more). That's when I believe my insecurity sparked a small flame.

Around 7th to 8th grade, I got a cell phone, a mytouch to be exact, 4g. First thing I did? snag some numbers, find local girls from facebook to text. Of course, sex was pretty much on all our minds so to speak, couldn't do it so sexting was the runner up. And man, that was a glory period for me, I honestly would travel back to that. It was amazing, what more can a young guy ask for than girls wanting to talk dirty with him and send nudes and near nudes? (when he has no idea of the other goods of life that is) especially after going nights of masturbating just to the thoughts of their face, being nude, kissing each other, and etc.

And though while that went on, I started doubting myself. I wanted bigger genitals, like the guys in porn. I seen how the most beautiful women were having sex with guys who were far from small, I figured if there was a will, there would be a way I could get bigger. Nothing was wrong with me, it was the influence that made me feel like that, because no girl teased me about my size or anything, it was just how people can have money but just want more. So I went to google, and did numerous searches on "penis enlargement" and came upon articles, description based tutorials (Text/video) and implementing what I found that seemed safe, in my bathroom. It's then when I believe I simultaneously gained some sort of stimulation from viewing big genitals. I soon had ED, couldn't get erect anymore from the videos, pictures, and I didn't know what was going on. I still liked females but as for as arousal went, nothing happened.

I think that whole fixation with enlarging my genitals (and my general increased usage of porn) put me in a whole different ballpark that I never intended or want to play one. I can't explain how this came about, so Ill just say all of what happened. I began loosening up to other genres of porn. As far as I knew, the only genre was straight porn, the rest like anal, ebony, milfs and such were just sub genres. Yeah I knew there were gay people, but i never knew of or noticed that there was gay porn. But I came across transsexual porn, don't ask me why, and get used to that statement because it will come up again. That went on for a short period, they all looked like women, that's the least I can say about that. I then got into solo guy porn, watching videos of guys masturbating. This, clearly had a direct link to the fact that I was a chronic masturbator. Say you have a certain hobby, smoking, games, etc. most of the time, you want to know others who do the same as you. Some how, I found stimulation in watching that, along with gay porn (again don't ask me why) which as well lasted for a short time. What I could confirm is that it was all out of the fact of it being sexual, which is what got me off, in no way did i find it "hot" or wanted to do it or all the other c**p you see in comments of a usual gay video. Was just a lot of unusual stuff that I was getting into that I really never thought through.

Soon that ended, had a long term girlfriend who was the love of my life but I'm not getting into all that because I'm getting tired. High School started and it was nothing spectacular (hated it and still hate it). I'm not sure of what to touch on for this period, well no, I became more quiet and anti-social. Being pint up in your room for so long with no one really getting you out the house more than you've been in the house does major damage, at least to me it did. So of course I was near unknown despite how cool I really am, i had a small circle of friends. But I never could go to the girl I would find attractive and just say something, my confidence was at the bottom of an iceberg (still is), I didn't know what was happening. I had anger issues, went to my mom about but she did nothing, just became alienated from my parents whole really. My porn usage was more than likely low though around then. But it risen once i started losing people I was becoming attached to or was highly inspirational to me (mainly teachers) that all seen something in me. Which is what sort of drove me off a cliff, because my parents view me as a negative picture frame, they never really have anything good to say about me; but yet and still, teachers and students that I haven't known for more than a minute to a month could see something extraordinary in me. If I had a dollar for every time someone said I look like or will be a professor, a designer, have complimented my humbleness, or knowledge, I'll probably have well over 50 dollars (that's a lot considering the circumstances). Put that against my parents? let's say Lincoln never got elected in this case. I can write, read, make music (exclude play the guitar which I have no class for), understand people, and I have such a broad mind and perspective, considering my age, and they wouldn't notice it if it smacked them in the face. And the worst thing about it is they eventually knew of my porn use some years ago but failed to divert me from it, I literally stole a porn DVD I accidentally found in my dad's then porn stash buried in his drawer, had it found by baby sister and had nothing said to me...at all, like it was just nothing. So I guess they play a role into why I'm how I am. I'm just waiting to move out, when I'm ready.

As of last year, a former teacher of mines told me that she noticed a change in me compared to the boy she met in 9th grade before she retired after the school year (Computers/Web Design was my pathway which was a 3 year course from beginner to intermediate, she was my teacher for those two years) she looked me in my eye and told me that. That's when I realized that I had a problem, that things weren't how they should have been, I realized I was a porn addict. And to this day, I got worst in way, I found my way back into porn even though I learned of what it's done to me (it was a little to too late to stop). That included transsexual porn after all these years with what's called HOCD. Seventeen years old and I'm questioning if I'm gay when I lost my virginity to my then girlfriend who I left because of her w**** like ways (which I'll leave out), the words of "what-the-f**k" came to rise because it made no sense. Started getting erect from seeing guy's genitals in porn, if it was a fair size. I didn't know why, it just happened, I sure as hell wasn't pleased with it despite me being erect ironically. I felt like my sexuality was being toyed with and my biggest fear of all was not being able to get a girl again, especially having sex with them for that matter. I still got some erections from seeing women online but it just wasn't the same. I decided to test myself to gay porn. That was the worst c**p I ever did. The time it took just to find a video to watch (because to my surprise, I wasn't interested or appealed to it as I thought I would be) was insane. I would type words mainly consisting of "Big" "penis" and "Gay" all in the same sentence, in the same order (recall how i was so fixated on getting bigger genitals when I was younger). Eventually I'll just pick something, skipped like hell when it came to them touching or kissing and giving oral sex. I would be mildly erect, somewhere above, nothing that excited me. The purpose of the tests were to see if I was going to have a massive erection and just finally feel what I felt years ago when viewing women. Truth is, I didn't, nothing could fill in the shoes of a woman with me, despite the oddness of what could get me erect. I always look up pictures of women, videos, etc, I like them like I always have. I noticed how it went from straight porn, solo girl, or just a picture of women, then to transsexual porn or gay porn. As of now, I watch neither or have the desire to. As for as porn? every now and then, I'm more into pictures than videos now, not just sexual pictures but photography. I'm totally into the girl when it comes to porn but still do I get erect from seeing the guy's genitals and I still get uncomfortable with it because I want an explanation for it, other than my own theories, an elaboration or add-on of some sort. I'm hopefully a senior now, seeing as I didn't put my mind to the lack of school work this year, I made no F's for my final grades but, no one seems to really think I passed (out of my mom really, me and my dad don't even talk unless he want's my help on some video game, all he does is play games or sleep since he's retired), my mom didn't seem too thrilled that I'm in AP British Language next year, so...I honestly all most don't give a care. So there's my story, as far as my future goes? what I want: To go to college, get my degrees in Criminal Justice/Criminology, Psychology (just to name a few), work in the police force, find a good woman, start a family, somewhere in a good place where they're safe from my line of work. what i expect: that none of that will happen, and i will instead of living up to what everyone in my pass seen in me, live up to what my parents see in me...an utter failure, hothead who needs "counseling" in which is in more of the line of sh*t talking than actually realization that I need assistance with my life. Yes, I told my mom I had a problem with porn, I even wrote her the site to "your brain on porn" for her to go and learn about it all, yes I told her I had anger issues years ago and asked for help. And yes, nothing was done about it. I never asked for this, who knew something that seemed so harmless, something that seemed only pleasurable and fun, could turn out to be a real horror in someone's life?

I'm rich (only if that were true), I'm 18 years old and I have been addicted to pornography and masturbation for well over eight years now...and this is how I imagine the end of my story would sound if i were in a real support group (ya know, with the presenter and people in chairs with a deep story?). But anyways, if one were to ask, "how'd that work out for ya?" I would simple say that it screwed my life, with no remorse.

 

Thank you man, I really appreciate that of you.
Let's see:

I started out with porn as any normal kid would, hella interested in naked women.
I still was living a normal life, balanced head, liked girls, etc.
When I began sexting girls, some years later in middle school, I felt like I wasn't good enough (too influenced by the porn).
I started looking up penis enlargement techniques I could do at home, and i'll try them out, I was fixated on getting bigger, like the male porn stars because they have sex with the women you wish to be with.
Soon I experienced erection problems, ended up watching gay porn and such for no authentic reason, but for a short period.
Things naturally just flattened out and life was just normal, friends, girlfriends, school.
Suddenly now, this year, I begin experiencing weird erection problems while watching porn, when I see the guys penis, I get erect.
It freaked me out and still does when I'm not super horny, I like women but I can get erect at the sight of another erect penis, but I am not gay, or bi-sexual.
I have a theory that it's because I became fixated on getting a large penis when I was young, and that before I even had sex with a girl, my daily routine consisted of me beating off to naked people having sex for at least 8 years, so seeing a penis triggers an arousal for me.
I just want to get to the bottom of why this happened because it wasn't always like that with me.
Average person would say I'm not straight, but...I sure as hell am not gay or bi-sexual, I have no desire to do anything sexual with men, or romantically, only women. I don't watch porn as much as I did in the past, but I'm confused as to what I am now.


I love all people that have a good heart, of all races and orientations, so it's not that. Many wouldn't understand that I'm concerned because I'm a straight young male who suddenly, is able to get erect when seeing a body part on the same sex, when it's no coincidence that I used to watch porn daily and beat off as a hobby. I know for sure it's a lot of psychological stuff that caused it but, what is where i'm lost at.
Apparently, this isn't what one would call as "straight" because it appears I am sexually attracted to the same sex as well, but I don't have a sexual desire for them.
It's like how you like the smell of a flower, but you're allergic, I get aroused by seeing a penis, but I'm straight, if that makes sense.

And oh, and i never seen a penis in my reality, other than mines, except for this one stupid time this girl gave my then friend head 2 years ago while me and my other then friend were right there with them (so I only seen any other while watching porn, when I moved from soft core to hardcore).
And she was sucking shyly, so I guided her head to help him out. At the time, I was running with dumbasses and I had no morals and wasn't as near wise as I am today.

 

TS porn? yeah that stuff is able to get me erect to, if they really look like a girl, like Jane Marie. I feel like, the fact we're just questioning ourselves mean we aren't what we are starting to think we are, something had to take place in order for us to get these new "likes". But do you like men? If you don't want to have sex or date with a man, it's not considered bi. But a penis, which is linked to male, and it arouses you, we the people declare that "Sexual attraction" and then that lands us right back in the bisexual category. My thing is, I rather a title that correctly describes me: Straight, but gets erect when I see a penis, especially on a girl, but the keyword is "see". It's a visual stimulation for me.
Have I considered being gay? as if I could even possibly give up liking women? I don't even see how I would give that up, or how that could work, I'm so offended by that question but in a light way cause it made me laugh. That's like asking someone have they considered going broke because they have so much sympathy/empathy for the poor lol, it's like the record just scratches instantly.
I have never been asked that, I'm glad you did though.
Made me realize how paranoid I really am, but how is this going to affect my sex life in the future, if that happens, if it doesn't then I won't even care.

 

Thank you Sam, that was really helpful actually. I'm definitely looking into that phallophilia that you mentioned right now as well. My doctor has known me all of my life, going to her about that will make me near shit myself I believe (though that's normal to feel as so I would say). It's just such a confusing thing ya know, especially when there was no sort of choice in becoming like that. But thanks again, i have a lot of research to embark on. And yes, if you do gather more info, please, let me know, anything that can be helpful.

---------- Post added 7th Jun 2014 at 08:05 PM ----------

@ Harold , there hardly is culture, def not that. I just don't like exactly how i don't cockroaches. I have a feeling it's something going to pretty much be there, but i have to do research on it since i have something to look into based on it now.