My story (in progess)

So I still have more to write. Feel free to skim or skip or whatever heh. Being this wordy is far from normal for me but I guess neither is the situation. So much stuff going on in my head, need to get it out in pieces and sort through it and this is helping.

Another potential complicating factor about coming out to my mom is that we currently live in the same house. I know for a 31 year old that doesn't sound great, but it's by choice and I've had my reasons. Living by oneself can get lonely, especially when you've essentially shut yourself off from the possibility of something romantic with anyone. I took an opportunity a year and a half ago to move back to my hometown, in large part because I felt the need for more support and daily connection with people I cared about and who cared about me. Once that decision was made, well my mom was an empty nester after my sister (now 23) moved out, still living in our house that has really a bit too much room for just one person. Instead of us both living alone, it made sense to me for me to move back in, and she had no objections. Like I mentioned we have a really solid relationship and I think we both prefer each others company to living alone.

I don't know what effect coming out to her might have. I'm thinking maybe I need to prepare for the possibility of also moving out. I don't know.

I have an idea for a first step maybe. My mom is one of 6 siblings. Most of them and their families I have similar (or even worse) misgivings about how they'll take the news than my mom. However, I have one aunt and uncle that I think might actually be very supportive.

When I was a teenager (16-17?) I was staying with this aunt and uncle for a few days, and they caught me looking at gay porn. Somehow the computer I was using was also connected to one in their bedroom to display the same thing on either, and this was news to me. They let me know that they saw what I was looking at, and made an attempt to talk to me about it. To my surprise they said a few things that were not at all judgmental and seemed very accepting and supportive. It didn't matter, I barely heard them. I was mortified. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hide. They picked up on this, because how could they not, and dropped it. Neither has ever brought it up to me again.

They currently live 3 1/2 hours away. I think maybe coming out to them would be something I could do. My best guess, based not just on the above but just in general, is that they would offer support. I kinda want it to be in person. The trick would be going down there without mom. We visit them on long weekends and such, at least 2-3 times a year, but it's always both of us.

The aunt and uncle would likely not have a problem with me asking to come and crash for a couple days on short notice. I guess I could clear it with them and just pass it off to mom as me being spontaneous, or just deciding to do it, and not offering much else. She would not be really satisfied with that explanation and would think it was weird, but still that could get the job done maybe.

I don't know, just thinking into the keyboard.

 

Tallu, it's my mom's sister, and her husband. My mom is also probably closest to this sister of any sibling.

brightside, yeah, that's Nickel Creek. They were like my favorite band ever, but the "went on hiatus" in 2007... but I actually just figured out that they've come back together and have a new album! Since this spring, how did I miss this? Sorry, off topic. That makes my day.

Anyways, they are not a band that does strictly religious songs, but a few of them go in that direction, and they have always blown me away with beautiful ways of expressing complex things in their songwriting. A couple other of their songs that point an eye towards the sky in some way are "Reasons Why" and "When in Rome," if you're interested.


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A couple other just passing things. I know it's a couple years old now, but I re-found "Same Love" on youtube yesterday. Don't typically listen to hip hop a ton, but I'd heard the song before. I don't think I'd seen the video. I balled my eyes out. It's a beautiful video. My attitude when I had heard it before was "yeah I agree, they should have equal rights." Slightly different perspective now.

I went and played tennis yesterday. It's something I enjoy doing fairly regularly, and probably good right now to get out of my own head space at least briefly. They didn't know any difference, but I did. I was pretty happy and comfortable with it, even though it had nothing to do with anything going on on the court.

Found a state baptist association newsletter, or tiny newspaper, or whatever, that my mom reads regularly. The front page topic was on gay marriage, and how "we" need to prepare for it to come to our state (it is not legal here yet). The title? "Prepare for the Worst." Ugh.

In a strange way though, that's actually what I'm doing at the moment in my own situation.

 

brightside,

back to the song (Doubting Thomas) and where I am... I will say that the last iteration of the chorus still holds for me too. "I'm a doubting Thomas, I'll take your promise, though I know nothing's safe. Oh me of little faith."

 

Thanks, jnr, there are definitely aspects of your story that resonate with me as well. Yours was actually one of the first threads I clicked on and read through on this site. It definitely helps to know there are others who are dealing with similar things.

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I got up just after 4am this morning. I wasn't really sleeping that well. Somehow my mind had started focusing on views I expect to encounter from some members of my family (for example, an uncle that is a long time music minister and associate pastor at his church), if and when I do come out to them. Things about how they can't agree with this "choice" I'm making, and that it is inherently sinful and of the devil.

I started trying to construct words in my head that I would use to respond, to lay it all out there as clearly and as honestly as I could. I was tossing and turning for a while working through this but eventually got up, and typed what I had been thinking about into an email and sent it to myself. I do not know that this would be enough but it is all that I can do.

Hopefully I will come back to that email when the time is right. My extended family is spread out over multiple states and hundreds of miles, so an email to the group we have set up to sometimes communicate would likely be the method of choice if and when I get to that point. At the moment it feels like I'm just trying to brace for impact.

I texted my aunt (the one I think/hope might be supportive) just a little bit ago to see if a solo visit in the near future might be a possibility. Haven't heard back yet but probably will later this afternoon/early evening. It's probably easier for me to just take a couple days now than it would be in/after November, even though that might be possible too, but I think I am ready for this step. I don't know how soon I might be ready for additional steps, but this one I think I can do and that it would be beneficial for me to follow through on, so I'll just try to focus on that for right now.

 

It's not fair.

I know it's cliche but that's basically what I'm feeling tonight.

I'm in the church choir (as is my mom). We have practice Wednesday evenings, so today. We're working on the Christmas music. I like being in the choir. I like many of the people in this church.

But unless my read is just way off, I can't come out and also keep going there. They are mostly well meaning people but they believe what they believe and if you so much as question some aspect of that then you and your point of view are to be shunned before Satan can infect anyone else through you. I don't know if they'd literally force me out, even if not the tension would be ridiculous. I mean I'd just have to leave. I don't see a way around that. Maybe I should already be leaving.

It's just that I'm actually trying to build up the courage to, at some point, to go forward living my live with a greater degree of honesty and integrity than what I've been doing, especially now that I finally have some inner clarity on the matter. Now a big piece of the blow-back from that decision is going to come from the very institution that claims to hold those things in high regard and taught me to value those things? I mean what the hell? :bang:

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...the trip to see my aunt and uncle won't really work for them until a couple weeks from now. So I guess it's a holding pattern on that front for the moment. More time to just stare at the pin on this grenade I'm holding I guess.

 

So, I think it's set. I'll drive down to stay with my aunt and uncle on Wednesday, probably through the weekend. The plan is to tell them fairly early on, and then maybe have time to also talk through some things about what comes next, but I'll play that part by ear and see where it goes. My hope is that they'll offer support, obviously, and I don't know what I'd do if they don't, but I think I know them pretty well and my best read is that they'll be supportive. I think I'm ready to tell someone, and I think I can trust them and overall it still makes sense to go ahead with it.

Getting it set up to go down alone (without mom) was... interesting, but I think it's set now. I framed it that I might go visit other family soon (which I still might, though I don't think I'm ready to come out to them yet), and my aunt offered to drive my mom back home herself if I wasn't going back that way. Mom also offered to take some vacation time too, as she has plenty to take. But there is also a women's revival thing at our church this Friday and Saturday, and I think mom is going to stay to go to that, with the idea that we'll both make another trip to see them in the near future. It was weird trying to subtly angle for something without being able to reveal what my motivations were, but I think it's worked out hopefully.

I'd expect that I'll be back on here to post an update in 2-3 days.

 

Not yet. Hopefully tomorrow. I had a delay and didn't drive down until today. Thought I might try this evening but froze up on that front. Was still able to engage in fairly normal conversation, don't think they even suspect anything. Thought I might try after supper but they had invited a friend over to play chicken foot (dominoes) so that moment passed quickly.

Plus was pretty tired from the travel and not sleeping that we'll last night. Hopefully I can sleep well tonight. We'll see heh. I hope I can find a moment and push through tomorrow. Man this is tough.

 

Bak bak bak. I am a giant chicken.

That is all.