Hey everyone, I'm just looking for some support. I'm pretty sure I will need to leave my marriage in order to figure things out. But I feel horrible and I feel like I was a fraud or something. I guess I'm just hoping that my husband won't hate me I've always been a bit confused by my sexuality. As a teen I preferred to hang out with my best friends by ourselves, I hated when others were there with us. But I was confused because I also liked boys. I would get butterflies around them, wanting to touch them, etc. I also liked having sex with guys. But there were these thoughts about women that confused me. I slept with a few women to figure things out, but I guess back then I wasn't very open to that idea, so I continued with men. I met my husband and things were great, but something was missing. I felt like he was way more attached to me than I was to him. I couldn't figure out what was wrong, but I didn't want to break up. I started getting attached to my girlfriends again - so I stopped talking to all women. Then I started being attracted to other men. I started therapy, hoping to get some answers. I started to feel closer to my husband and I was looking forword to living in peace with him finally. I would cry when I thought of us growing old together, etc. Sex was great again. My therapist urged me to speak to my girlfriends again, and I did. I feel like I'm falling in love with friends. I feel like I'm in love with a friend I haven't seen in 10 years. She was my best friend and I miss her so much. As you can imagine, my marriage has gone to shit again. I've lost all my sexual feelings for men and I no longer feel emotional when I think of growing old with my husband. I'm also feeling really uncomfortable with my gender. I feel very distant from my straight friends. My therapist thinks its my ocd acting up combined with being very lonely. But I'm not sure what to think. I want to talk to my husband but I think he will hate me and think I frauded him. We also have 2 children together. Thank you for reading. Any advice is appreciated.
Well, good luck. You probably remember my thoughts... you should listen to your therapist. If you don't trust her, change her. If you stay with her, listen to her advices and take the meds she has prescribed you (if I remember it correctly). After you get your depression and ocd under control, think about breaking the family.
Even if you end up separating from your husband, that doesn't mean you were a fraud. You two had some good experiences together, at some point, or you wouldn't have married him and picked him as the person to start your family with, right? Even if you're not happy with him now, you authentically were then. May I ask how old your children are? I'm sure that if you do end up separating, it would be the fair thing to do for both of you. It wouldn't be fair to you or to him to keep trying to pretend when it's not true love anymore, would it?
Hi Nick, I Do remember your thoughts. I'm a bit calmer now; I don't hate my kids anymore. The problem is I kind of like these thoughts (the mushy, fuzzy feelings I get around women) and I'm scared that the meds will take that way. I know that sounds irrational, but I keep thinking that. Hi Librarykitten, my kids are 9 years old and 18 months, both girls.
I just feel like I'm in love with my best friend from high school and I'm so lonely and have no idea what to do. There is no one to leave my child with while I go "exploring" and I feel horrible that I'm so out of it and she's so young. I don't see how meds can fix this. I'm so lonely without a girl in my life.
I think you're being unfair to your husband because there's only so much that a person can take before they decide to give up and leave you. You seem to be going through these never ending cycles and honestly, I think you will be making a mistake by leaving your marriage. I'm only saying this because based on our previous conversations, so please don't take what I am saying the wrong way. And I think your therapist is right, it seems like your OCD/anxiety is making you feel this way. Not only that, I think you should really think about taking medication because it could very well be beneficial to you. I was on medication for years and I truly believe that the medication helped me cope with everything that was going on in my life at the time. I know that certain medications can have nasty side effects, but you and your doctor will have to figure out what treatment is best for you. I just think that you really need to stop and think about what it is that you want from,a woman. A romantic relationship, sexual, or both? I can remember feeling the same exact way towards my female friends as do you. I mean, you stopped speaking to them for a reason, right? Was it to keep your feelings in check? It's been a long time since you've been with a woman and you never know, your feelings may have changed. I cannot tell you what to do, but I can imagine how difficult things are for you at the moment. If anything, try taking the medication for 30-90 days and then reevaluate your feelings. If you still feel the same way then perhaps, it is best for you to leave your marriage.
You mentioned you feel very uncomfortable with your gender. Is it possible that this may be the underlying issue? I mean, there is something about being married with children that can make you feel like you're living in Straight World, and if you are queer in any way (either bisexual, genderqueer, etc.) maybe there's a feeling of disconnect between your authentic self and the life you are living. That doesn't mean you have to leave your husband or your kids. But you should let your husband in on your feelings, however complicated they are. I'm probably going to step into some trouble saying this, but: If you have issues from childhood that you haven't worked through in therapy, there's always a chance that the ages of your kids could have been triggers for some emotional turbulence and destabilization of identity. I only say this because you have daughters, and I've known people who only struggled with difficult memories from childhood when the ages of their own children reminded them of themselves at that age. It's a possibility. Also, OCD could be a huge factor in this. If you're worried about being gay, maybe that's keeping you from being as emotionally close to your friends as you were before. And that, in turn, is causing intense loneliness. You could just get closer to your old friends, have them over to the house, have someone over for a long-term visit. The presence of another woman in the house might soothe the loneliness, but since the sexual pull to women isn't very strong it wouldn't necessarily cause trouble. I've never had a close friendship with another female, so maybe I don't understand it. I'm so sorry you're struggling. I wish I had better advice. Take care of yourself!
I don't really feel uncomfortable with my gender now. I just feel like I'm in love with my close friend - my only friend actually. I stare at her fb pics and I don't know. I just want to talk to her all day, she makes me feel great, I look forword to talking to her everyday. And I've lost my feelings for my husband again, kind of. It seems like if I'm thinking about her, I lose my feelings for him but when I'm not thinking about her then my feelings are there for him. I don't think the feelings I have for her are sexual and I don't know what "normal" feelings for a best friend are like as I always think I have crushes on my close girlfriends. I mean, don't get me wrong, I *could* have sex with her. But it's not the same as I feel for a guy. Ugh, I'm so uncomfortable, I want to stop talking to her. But then it'll just happen again with the next girl =( I can't have friends.
