I love my son. I think he is amazing. That didn't change at all when he wrote me that he has been dealing with these feelings for four years. I was not surprised, which my husband finds surprising. I couldn't explain it but there were things my son did as a child that made me aware of his possible orientation. Either way, I am fine with his being bi-sexual, gay or whatever. I will love him fiercely no matter what. The thing is I don't know what I feel, or what to do. Those are not truly correct terms- I just feel confused. I imagine this is how he felt for four years as he struggled with coming to terms with his sexuality. I have always considered myself open and non-prejudicial, but for some reason his announcement has made me uneasy and discombobulated, which in turn makes me feel guilty for feeling that way. It makes me dislike myself that I am not instantly okay. And truthfully I am okay with loving him. I worry. I know that in this day and age being whatever you are sexually is more accepted than it ever was, but I still worry that he will encounter prejudice and judgement. I am uneasy with my unease and I don't know how to show my son that he is safe and accepted in my heart 100%, while trying to understand these feelings I am having. Am I making any sense at all? I feel I am a contradiction, I tried talking with some friends but they had no real understanding of what I was trying to say. I don't want any of my dis-ease to translate to my son. I want to be there for him, if he needs me. But he is mostly silent. I want to say the right things, do the right things and show him that it matters not one iota what his sexual orientation is. I still think he is one of the most awesome human beings I have ever had the privilege to know. Can anyone relate or assist me with my conundrum? Thank you
Hey welcome to EC. Take a deep breath it's going to be ok. What you are experiencing is actually quite common in parents of LGBT children. Don't be too hard on yourself, even though you had an idea that your son might be gay or bisexual, acknowledgement of this can come as a shock. You also have every right to grieve for the straight son you thought or hoped you had that's ok too. Give yourself some time and you will work through this, we are all here I feel you need us. The fact you are reaching out here to be better for your son automatically tells me you are a fantastic mum and that he is going to be just fine. As for what to do or say to your son, you don't actually do much it's quite simple, make sure you love him no matter what his sexuality and that you respect his privacy but if he wants to talk to you about anything then you are always there. It's quite likely that he wanted to tell you but he doesn't want to actually talk about it further for the moment at least so just be normal with him but make certain he knows it doesn't change anything between you.
I have not yet come out to my parents, but looking at this from your son's point of view, I would want an open communication with my parents. It's wonderful that you are supportive of his sexuality, but for whatever reason you feel uneasy about it, talk to him about it. Tell him that you want to be there for him, talk to him about your worries, why you feel discombobulated. Don't pull away from him just because you're struggling with it. Again, this is just my point of view, but if my parents became withdrawn after I came out, I would think it's because they don't love me, because they don't support me for who I love, not because they were worried about me. You mentioned that he is mostly silent. Don't force him to talk about anything he doesn't want to, but let him know that he is loved and that you'll be there for him. The fact that you're here reaching out and wanting to learn already speaks volumes about the type of mother you are. All the best to you
Welcome! You're in the right place. What you're feeling is completely normal... no matter how much you suspected it, there's always a part of you that hopes it isn't true, simply because of the extra baggage and prejudice that LGBT people face. And as we process the "loss" of someone not being straight, we go through stages... denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance ... that are very normal and natural. Sometimes it takes 5 minutes, sometimes years. (Generally toward the shorter side.) You sound like an awesome mom, and it sounds like you're doing the right thing. You didn't say how old he is, and that does influence things, but I'd suggest going easy and letting him be your guide as to when he wants to talk about it.
Hi jennrn247... I'm proud of you for standing behind your son the way you are and reaching out to Empty Closets, that takes courage! My mom also had an idea that I was bisexual even before I admitted it to myself... and her love and understanding took a great deal of pressure, anxiety and turmoil off of my shoulders. I wish more parents would be accepting and understand as you are. You're on the right track. Be there for him when he needs to talk, rant or just need someone to accept him. Thank you for being a great parent!!!!
Hiya Jenn! Big welcome to EC! First of all, thank you for being an awesome mum. Please remind yourself of that daily - you really are, being a supportive parent. Believe me when I say, your son is lucky to have you. Some of us do not have supportive parents, so you just being supportive is MASSIVE to your son. Secondly, thank you for coming here. To learn. For you and for your son. This forum is full to bursting with awesome, friendly, supportive people. Keep talking and we will help you through this challenging time. Thirdly, as others above said - what you are going through is normal - you are grieving. Please do not be ashamed of that. Allow yourself to go through each stage that Chip mentioned. Be aware that your son will be going through the same. Cuddle. Talk. Cry. Cuddle again. You will both come out of the other end to awesome times! Love love
Hi Jenn! I just found your post as I googled my son just told me he is bisexual. I just wanted to say i can relate to EVERYTHING you said... every word. My son is the most amazing human I know; kind, loving, funny, smart, witty, talented, just such a good human. He is, by far, the best thing that has EVER happened to me.. I would do anything for him, and I will love him unconditionally until the end of time. It does not matter to me who he loves, but the odd thing is I didn’t have any inkling before this and I have raised him as a single mom (he is 18). The possibility that this is him exploring could be there but to be honest, I want to process whatever I’m feeling as if this is what will be. I’m not sad, I just don’t know what I feel. And I’m kind of shocked at my confusion. I have so many gay friends, one of my sisters is bisexual, my uncle is gay, it doesn’t change who a person is for me, so the fact that I’m in this state of wonder has me trying to figure out what exactly I’m feeling. So, I’m just wondering how has the past almost year been for you? How did you process this and get through it together? Any advice will be so appreciated!! I hope you see this because so many thoughts are racing through my mind right now... I am SO afraid of how the world will treat him- specifically his birth father. I want to protect him, he’s my baby. And his dad will not be ok, I’m so afraid of what he will say to my son... by God if it’s bad I don’t know what I will do because I will want to smash his face honestly. Anyway hope you see this.
Welcome, Tigermama. Everything you're feeling is normal, and as we process any sort of loss (in this case, loss of perception your son is straight) there are stages we go through... denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. So just take things as they come, give yourself permission to feel those things, and let your instincts guide you. Your son is incredibly lucky to have such an accepting and loving mother, and it sounds like you're doing an awesome job!
Hello! I am a bisexual woman. I just "came out" last month at the age of 35. I am married to a bisexual man and we have two beautiful kids. I'm telling you this because every bit of what you are feeling is totally normal, and commendable. You didn't freak out, you don't hate him - you love him because he is your son. I get that, I have kids. While I was attending college my niece came out as transgender and became my nephew. I, like you, wanted to be there for him but I didn't really understand, I knew what it meant to be bisexual but trans was a whole new thing for me. So I started doing research. If I had known about EC then I would have come here. Anyway, long story short, my university had an amazing Pride Center with great resources. Here's the LINK if you want to check it out. I'm sure there are other places you can find with similar resources, but this is helped be understand. I took the ally pledge and became one of his biggest advocates. I hope I have helped. You are already an amazing mother, not all parents are as understanding and as willing to ask questions as you are. He is a lucky boy. Message me anytime, if you want. I'd love to chat and help in any way I can.
It's OK to feel confused. We worry for our kids. We are OK with it, but there are a lot of people out there who are not. It's natural to think to ourselves, "His life would be easier if he were straight." I think that is where the distress we may feel comes from. So, we need time to digest it, come to terms, stop thinking how it would be easier the other way and realize the other way is not the way it is. We need time to process because, the fact is, we can't always protect them, but we can walk alongside them and support them. You're doing great! Your son is lucky to have you.
In the movie, "Birdcage" a character is talking with Armand (gay character played by Robin Williams). They're talking about their children, and the guy says to Armand, "... and you hope they don't turn out gay. No offense". Armand: "None taken". Other guy: "It's just that you want their lives to be easy". I wonder if any of my kids will turn out gay, and how I'd handle it. That little piece of that movie helps me to have some context for how I'd react. My biggest hope would be that my kid wouldn't reject me. @Jennrn247 , I suspect that a lot of what you're feeling that feels disorienting, is realignment. There's a new path in front of you and your son, and you're figuring it out but you're not comfortable with it. You are so much doing the right thing, being honest, reaching out, and getting information. I bet your son has no doubt that you love him, no matter what. I'm cheering for you two! Best wishes! =Sevn
