My son doesent know, that i know he's gay

Problem is, as I'm sure you know, that you can explain away all you want to a teen, he'll turn around and do exactly what you warned him against. Kudos to you and your twin for not messing around and just cutting out your sister's internet. One day she'll thank you for that.

 

Welcome to the forums sir! ^w^

As a teenager myself, I may be able to give you advice on how he may see things since I am of the same supposed mind frames. As far as him using internet sources to chat amoungst random strangers, it is actually a coping skill I too have used. I mean, my parents are extremely strict about every small thing I do and I am scolded more than I am considered part of the family, this left me with issues of not being able to confront my father or stepmother with any of my issues out of fear. So, I found web forums where I could post about any feelings or issues I had and allowed me to get more than one opinion. And yes, one small detail most teens, including me, have failed to realize is some of these websites have contact information linked to the account, allowing anyone access to contact you. But, as long as he disabled it, he should more than likely be safe on the internet. Though one big reason I talk to strangers is because they could never ruin my life or punish me for voicing my opinion. I mean people on the internet cannot ground you, or beat you, or scold you for simply bringing up a personal concern so it creates a safe zone for any teen. As far as confronting your son about being gay goes, I would not suggest handling it the way my father handled me. My dad had me in the vehicle and didn't tell me where he was going with me, and then that's when the question slipped his mouth. "Are you bisexual?" And to be honest I was all sorts of uncomfortable and I knew I couldn't get out or get away from the question. But then he started cussing at me, telling me to answer his question. When I told him yes, he cussed up a storm and told me I should have just told him, but even worse he told me he could not stand for me to like girls. I was in tears and when my mother found out, both of them told me they couldn't accept me like that abd they blamed the Gay Straight Alliance for bisexuality, saying that if the school hadnt taught us it was ok to admit what I was, that I wouldn't have came out as bisexual. But you said you will support him, so my suggestion is, if you don't want to push him away ask him, but don't continue to persue to a point of discomfort, because I still wont talk to my parents for making me feel unwanted...

 

That's awful hellboundangel, but like you, unsupportive parents can be an asset later in life.

My parents were less than supportive and in the end I had to move out 18.

Now 31 I have a 10 year relationship, great career and am kicking goals, whilst they are trying to deal with my siblings issues (dui/drugs).

When you can - leave town and don't look back!

They might be your parents, it doesn't mean they can treat you like dirt/make you feel unwanted!

In the future they will live to regret it (trust me!)

As for the op - I would tackle this 2 fold.

1 - Online safety - Talk to your son about being safe online and that you don't want him giving out details to strangers.

2 - His sexuality - Talk to him about gay people, saying how its not a choice and that if any of your children were gay you would love them just the same.

Be supportive - although as your concerned about him, you are 100% better than a lot of parents who are not supportive!

 

This makes me wonder if my mom knows but it's saying anything about it ?
I think that's great that you want to support him

 

First of all, I think that's it's awesome that you're going to support him! But, he doesn't know that yet. He also doesn't know that you've been checking up on him.

I think you should first talk to him about internet privacy in general, and don't mention what you saw. Say how anything you put on the internet is like leaving permanent footprints that anyone can look at. Warn him to not leave strangers any contact info or post public pictures of himself (the most I would allow him would maybe be an email address, but a temporary one at that in case his email "friend" turns out to be a creep and he would have to delete it).

Then, you could mention that you support LGBT if it comes up in conversation. After that, it's up to you if you want to tell him what you saw, or ask him if he wants to share anything with you. Hope this helps! :icon_bigg

And by the way, you are in no way a failure as a parent. What kid wants to talk to his dad about his sexuality/fantasies?

 

Hi there

As suggested a number of times, I would split this into two separate talks.

1) Most importantly, have a talk about online safety. Tell him you've read about kids being targeted and that it is vital that if he is a member of any online forums or social networks that he makes sure there's no personal contact information. Ask him to double check all his accounts today and remove any personal info.

Don't let him know you snooped, that would be a major breach in trust and would do more harm than good. Approach this subject as you'd approach any parenting skill, it is every parents duty to warn their kids about online safety and this is a talk you need to have with all of your kids.

2) The gay talk... I'm inclined to say that you've got time to use a more subtle approach by just having Radom father to son talks about relationships and sex where you can mention that some people are straight, others bi and others gay and that as his son you expect him to treat everyone with love and respect as you have tought him. That people don't have a choice when it comes to their sexuality and that if one of your children where gay you would still love them the same and be just as proud of them. That's the two things that every kid wants to know, he will come out in his own time and if he knows his parents are pro gay and supportive it would make things so much easier for him, especially knowing that he will not be disappointing you in any way.

I hope the advice is helpful land I would like to commend you for being a proactive father! the world needs more parents like you!!!

 

Hi there!

I agree with the two-conversation approach.

I think its good to be subtle in talking about the online safety, because if you outright say 'I noticed you are posting contact information online' the entire safety conversation he'll just be wondering what you've seen and what you know.

My dad also "snooped" on my older sister and I, and when he thought my sister was doing something inappropriate he confronted her on it. She was devastated, and angry for a long time, but she got over it and has grown into a beautiful and responsible woman. At the same time, my dad once hinted to me that he knew what I was doing online, which embarrassed me horribly, but to this day I have no idea what he was trying to get at beyond "I know what you're doing."

So what I'm trying to say is, I think it would be best to talk about internet safety in a roundabout way because unless you want to have one big conversation all together hinting you know what he's doing online will just confuse him and distract him from your point.

For the LGBT talk, I have a few opinions as well. One of the things that took me the longest to understand myself was having other people tell me "I know you're lesbian" because that wasn't quite right and I balked. The pressure from others to 'admit I'm gay' just chased me farther into the closet.

I'm not out to my parents yet, and here's the reason: I'm getting mixed signals. Like someone said before, your son is probably looking for signs that you would be supportive, and this is great, but besides just tipping your hat to the LGBT community, also take a look at your lifestyle and inner circle. A lot of people have double standards and that's where your son could worry or get mixed signals. Do you or other members of your family talk about his future like he will definitely have a wife and/or kids? Do they talk about dating girls like its the inevitable? Those sorts of comments create the double standard and might scare him off from coming to you. I think if you can stop those sort of expectations he will feel more comfortable coming to you.

Talking to strangers is a good way to practice and rehearse what to say to the people you know. There is little emotional attachment to how the stranger reacts to what you have to say, and you can figure out exactly how you want to say it. Despite having a lot of friends in the LGBT community, I went online first to figure myself out without outside expectations or pressure.

Don't take your son going to outside help first as a bad thing. Its because your opinion of him and your acceptance mean so much that he feels the need to reach out first to steady his nerves and find himself. Just be supportive and when he is ready, he'll come to you.

 

2 things. 1: God bless you for coming to this site, we are all part of the LGBT community and would love to give you advice. 2: You should bring it up in a time he is expecting it. Don't randomly ask. Be comforting, and don't use a rough tone of voice.

 

For your concern about him confiding in random strangers, before I came out to my mom, I came out to my school, principals and the LOVELY people on EC . As a young teen myself it was much easier to tell strangers about myself before my mom because I could defend myself because I never talk back to my parents. It was embarasing for me and it was easy that my mom didn't bring it up again. After the conversation try not to bring it up unless he brings it up. That should help.