My sister's wedding... and some other questions I have.

*warning: long post*

It's been a while since I posted here, but I'm facing a tough decision and could use some thoughts and advice from people who understand what I'm going through.

I feel pretty certain in my identity as a man. Not only has near-constant dysphoria shaped this conclusion (I'm at a point where I'm seriously considering physical transition), but gender euphoria as well (I enjoy being called "sir" and dressing in more masculine ways, among other things like doing father/son stuff with my dad and so on).

But let's get back to the tough decision part. My sister is getting married next May, and she brought up the idea of me being her maid of honor a month (or maybe a few months) ago. Obviously I was torn at first, because I'm assuming there's gonna be dresses and flowers and it's just not me. But I love my sister and I don't want to let her down. A few weeks later or whatever she comes up with the idea of "maybe you can just wear a pantsuit," and this idea sounds somewhat promising to me. And we start looking online for pantsuits/jumpsuits, but she's coming out with all these frilly ones and v-neck/sweetheart necklines and I'm thinking to myself like ack I don't want to wear any of those... And then our lives got hectic and it fell to the wayside for a while (there's plenty of time to think about it given the wedding's not til May anyway, and she was stressed about trying to move back home from her old apartment so she could save money for the wedding and I was in the middle of transitioning out of a job).

Eventually things settled down. Then, last week we were able to find one online that looked like it was the best I was gonna get (plain black with basically no frills or details) and I ordered it. Fine, no issue there. I actually felt like I might be able to do this for her. Then she asked me about shoes. Do I want to wear heels? GOD NO, but I don't say anything like that. I gently suggest plain black flats, and she agrees. Great. I will fade completely into the background, she will have the perfect day and it'll be over and I'll feel like myself again.

But then. Then she lets me know that she'd like me to wear makeup. Ahuh, back before I realized I was trans I tried to put on makeup, GOD did I try to like it and I ended up crying my eyes out I hated it so much. That I don't know if I could manage, but maybe it wouldn't be a deal-breaker. Maybe. This already makes me feel terrible, because she should have things the way she wants them on her special day and I fully realize and support this. I'm the problem.

And then she ordered these flower/beachy robes for the bridal party to wear during the "getting ready" photos and I'm like... maybe I could *try* to like this? But the gut-punch was when I learned she expected me to shave my legs. I'm so lucky to even have this leg hair. I'm so lucky my mom gave up on trying to make me shave it off anymore. And I feel like this: I have two f*****g stupid things on my chest that sometimes I can barely function because of. I have to bleed from where my penis should be once a month and deal with people telling me I'm emotional because of it (which they only comment on when they actually know I'm on it, if I don't tell them nobody says anything to me). THIS LEG HAIR AND MY SHORT HAIRCUT ARE ALL I HAVE RIGHT NOW. I also would feel incredibly dysphoric if they did a wedding party photo (you know, like when they pair the bride's and groom's parties off into couples and take a picture of them with the bride and groom at the center), because I'd be standing next to a full-on cis dude wearing a suit and tie while I'm standing there in a dumb women's jumpsuit with no leg hair and no balls.

So I did what any man would do (okay no just me) and I started crying. I feel like I'm inflicting myself on her, even though she assured me multiple times that's not the case. She's been pretty understanding about my situation, but there are certain things she wants a certain way, which I understand and respect, but I'm starting to think I just can't play the role she needs me to. And even though I don't want to harm myself, I think to myself, okay, it's leg hair. Why does it bother me so much? Why am I like this and what the f**k is wrong with me?

I talked to her about some of how I feel. I told her that even if I'm not technically her maid of honor or a bridesmaid or anything, that I still wanted to help out with as much as possible (invitations, favors, that kind of stuff) and she seemed to like that idea. She said whatever I decide to do is fine, like she told me she wouldn't get mad or offended if I decided to not be in her wedding party at all, but she told me to make my decision and let her know as soon as I can.

I just feel like not being in the party, but still helping her out with wedding planning stuff might be a better option so that I can actually enjoy my sister's special day with her, and be able to focus on her and her fiancee, y'know, instead of feeling all this pressure to be something I'm not. Because my bottom line is this: the day is supposed to be about her, right? It would be so depressing and uncomfortable to have my thoughts occupied with crippling dysphoria combined with the fact that I'd feel like everybody is looking at me. I'd feel much more supportive of her sitting with the rest of the guests enjoying her reciting vows to the love of her life.

Sigh. Sorry this is such a big rant... I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. If you have anything helpful you'd like to say, I'm more than appreciative. Sometimes I just get really tired of this stupid fricking dysphoria. Sometimes I just have weird moments where I'm like "this isn't happening, right? is this actually for real? this has to be make-believe, my body can't actually be a woman's body..." and then I look down and I'm like "oh. yeah. right. f**k."

One more question on the tail end of this: how do you like... come out to people? It's crazy, because despite everything I just told you I still have doubts, and I think to myself "well, once I'm 200% sure, then I'll start telling people," or "once I start T I'll start telling people" or "once I schedule top surgery I'll start telling people" or "once I test the waters and see how [person x] feels about trans people, then I'll tell them." Like... do doubts go away? Or do you just ignore the doubts and come out anyway?

Geez. Thanks for reading all this.