Hey guys, I have a problem. I live in a very homophobic country so I've always had to struggle accepting my sexuality from the time I was 11. Just recently I accepted the fact that I am gay. Due to the fact that I am gay I have distanced myself from other people and I hardly have friends anymore, merely acquaintances. It's hard to be close to anyone. I've always been able to talk to my mom about anything because she's been there for me through most of the trying times in my life. I love her very much but I don't think she is healthy for me anymore. The thing is that she is extremely homophobic and I think she knows deep inside that I'm gay but she has the tendency to brainwash herself and other people into believing things that are far from factual. I feel like the son she loves is not me. I don't know the son she sees me as anymore. I don't recognize him in me. He is a stranger but she doesn't see that and has this idea who I am which I am not. It is so bad that I feel like I have lost her, the only person who I could share what I feel with. My question is how can I let her have her opinion of me without letting this tarnish my perception of myself? I have almost accepted that nothing will change in the way she views homosexuality and she will never accept this in me. I've never cared what anyone else thinks of me but when it comes on to my family especially my parents and brother what they think of me means a lot to me. How can I stop letting what my family thinks of me affect me so much?
Hi KyleD! You were nice enough to respond to my post so I want to do the same by you. I also want to respond to this because I feel that I can relate to you. I too have always felt that I was closer to my mom than I am to anyone else. I've always told her everything but I feel that being a lesbian has made things more difficult because I can't tell her about my inner most problems and secrets. She is homophobic and thinks lesbians are disgusting. My Dad and brother hate gays even more than she does. I too care a lot about what my family thinks of me and am scared to death to come out to them because I'm afraid they'll hate me. I have very few real friends in life also because I have had to hide the fact that I am gay from them. If they knew, they wouldn't feel comfortable around me anymore. My point is, I really relate to you. My heart hurt when I read your post because it all sounds really familiar. I know it doesn't help but please know that you aren't alone. It sounds like your situation with your parents is kind of like mine. I always feel that, if mom doesn't approve of me, I can't like myself either. I don't know if you feel that way but I always have. I think what some of the other members of this website told me yesterday and this morning is true. I think that we have to try to love ourselves first and we have to try to value the way that we see ourselves more than the way that our parents see us. We have to have the confidence to embrace ourselves and still love our parents even if they don't accept us. If they don't accept us, I suppose that that is really their problem, not ours. This is a really hard thing for me to think about too but I know I have to try to make myself stop caring about what they think of me if I ultimately want to be happy. I know that they will never like gay people. I hope that you come to realize that you are special and that if they can't accept you, that is their problem and not yours. I'm sorry that this post wasn't all that helpful but I just wanted to let you know that I have a similar situation with my parents and that, if you ever need to talk, I would be glad to listen. When I saw this post, it sounded so familiar that I couldn't not respond. I really hope that things get better. You seem nice and you deserve to be loved for who you are.
Your post is actually really helpful to me CME. I relate very much to you especially what you say about not liking yourself. That has been a very hard thing for me to do. I am very hard on myself and my mom makes me feel so guilty which makes it worse. I love her but I don't think she is healthy for me at all anymore. You are right though, we have to love ourselves first although it is hard. Sometimes my heart feels so heavy it's like I'm carrying the entire world on my shoulder. I hope things can get better. I have been feeling so lethargic lately and hopeless. I don't enjoy life as much as I used to and I want to change that. I am so happy that you experience some of the feelings that I do, it makes me feel less alone in the world. Suicide is not an option though and you should always talk about what's bothering you on here like you're doing now. Thanks so much for the encouragement!
It is SO true that these kinds of situations make you feel lethargic. My mom always makes me feel guilty about mistakes that I've made in the past and I always feel that nothing I do is good enough for her. I dread the day that she finds out I'm a lesbian. As much as I love my parents, I know my relationship with them isn't as healthy as it could be. It sounds like yours isn't either. In some ways, I guess it really is better for people with moms like ours to try to distance ourselves a bit so that we can become happier. It is easier said than done though. If you can't distance yourself physically, I guess you have to try to distance yourself mentally by telling yourself that only your opinion of yourself truly matters. I really struggle with this too. If I didn't, why would I be thinking about suicide? I think it is something that a lot of us go through. I really relate to you saying that you don't enjoy life as much as you used to. I am constantly thinking about the past and how things were better then. I think negative relationships with our family or at least unhealthy ones can make us feel really lethargic and make us long for the days that just seemed happier. I know I do that. I find that I really relate to your comments as I said before and I feel like the only solution in a situation like this is to convince yourself that your opinion of yourself is the only one that really matters as long as you do your best to be good to the other people in your life. I don't know if you can change your mom (I know I can't change mine....) but you can change your own outlook on yourself and that may make your mom's opinions less hurtful to you. If you know that you are a good person with great qualities (and you wouldn't be trying to help other people on this website with their problems if you weren't), her opinion of you and your sexual orientation may not matter to you as much as it once did. I am going to try to see if loving myself and accepting myself will help me care less what my mom thinks of me. I'm not sure that it will work, of course, but it is the only thing that I know to try. I also want to say that my mom loves a "version" of me too. She loves a daughter who is not me. She has a version of me in her head and is unwilling to accept that I could really be any other way. It really struck me when I read that in your original post because that is exactly how my mom is. Anyway, I guess the only thing that you can do is try to love yourself enough that even your mom's opinions don't affect you the way that they once did. I've heard that good therapists help people to accept and even love themselves sometimes. Do you see a therapist? You might not even need one but I think it is helpful for many people.
Hi KyleD... I think I know the sort of background you are living in. I do not know where you live exactly but I lived in St Maarten for a while, a lot of time in St.Kitts, Nevis, Virgin Islands, Anguilla, St. Vincent, St. Lucia, Barbados, Grenada, Cuba .. (ooh thats a lot, hadn't realised!!) All small societies and pretty homophobic and 'Christian' [I don't have to tell you that I'm sure !] My first thoughts on your post were: 1) Closeting yourself could keep you 'safe' and out of awkward situations short term. But long term it could stifle you and even lead to serious isolation and depression and other such things. The human being needs openness and human contact, and love, like you need air to breathe. 2) Can you face up to 'getting out of the closet' or does that feel impossible? Maybe it would work with help from a therapist? It is, after all, only fear that keeps you in the closet. 3) Are there any LGBT groups or support groups where you are? Do you know any gay people to talk to? 4) The big one: have you thought of a bold move, e.g. going to USA or Europe on the basis to get education or better job? It is likely that you will thrive better in a larger society where there are plenty of other "KylD's" around to support you. Best wishes, Kyle - you will find a way - and maybe sooner than you think !! xx
Exactly CME, I think my mom sees me as someone who just isn't affected by anything so she feels the need to point out my faults which I am very well aware of. I was surprised when she told me one day that my problem is that I am too accepting of myself but the fact is that I am very critical of myself. I don't think my relationship with my parents is healthy either and I'm getting accustomed to the reality of the unhealthiness. As a result of the unhealthy relationship with my mom I've attracted a lot of unhealthy friendships and relationships. I just can't do this anymore and the friends who truly accept me I can't be friends with them because I can't accept love from anyone. Distance from my mom, family and this whole situation is what I desperately need right now. I just need a new perspective than what I've been accustomed to for many years. I hate where I am in my life right now but for the past few years it's like I'm just stuck, my life is frozen. I am realizing that the change can only begin with me and I'm happy you are re confirming this with me. I want to love my authentic self - the self my mom has rejected and does not even know or maybe is in denial about. This is the person I want to love and I know you want to love about yourself too. I think we can do it though and we should never give up.
Hi Bingostring, in that case you would be familiar with the homophobia in the Caribbean. You are right I guess, small societies tend to be homophobic. It's like the people here are brainwashed here or something. I feel like I live in a prison, I live in Jamaica btw. Regarding your thoughts on my post 1) You are so right. I have played it safe my entire life but I feel like because of that I have killed a huge part of my self. I sacrificed myself for the approval of everyone else and that sucks! I feel so empty. 2) Coming out of the closet could be risky. The most frightening thing is there is no gay role models here because everyone is the closet. We don't have any Anderson Cooper or Ellen DeGeneres ect. The only ones out are male prostitutes so everyone is of the opinion if you're gay you sell yourself on the street. I am well liked by everyone but I know that everyone would just avoid me like a plague if they knew I was gay. 3) There is one LGBT Jamaican group but I don't think they are based in Jamaica but I'll try and join. I really want to work with a therapist as I think it would benefit me but I need a therapist who I can really trust. I know one other gay person, he is much older, in his 60s and still in the closet. I don't really talk to him anymore though. 4) That's what I'm really looking to do right now. I am very good at Spanish so I was thinking about taking up a bilingual post in Mexico or another such country. I really want to get out of her though because I feel so caged. I am really thankful for this site though, it's the only place I can be me. Thanks for the belief in me, it means a lot.
Hey Kyle! :smilewave So, Jamaica.. I never went there but I understand it is quite homophobic, even with rappers singing hate songs... By "playing it safe" ... I doubt if you have 'killed' a part of yourself. More like 'stifled', or 'suppressed' a part of yourself. You have definitely not lost that part of you .. it is like a plant waiting to grow. The good thing is.. you are young enough to start taking control and living the life you want. Think about your ideal life - how it would be in say 10 or 20 years' time? Where would you be? What job would you have? Would you be with a partner? Then just map out what steps are necessary to get to that point. If it involves "coming out" at home, or leaving to live in another country, then that may be the path to take. Then think of your 60 year old friend. Whilst he is a friend, and I do not want you to think badly of him, do you want to be in his life situation, in Jamaica, in 40 years time? A therapist does seem worth thinking about. If they are professionally trained, and registered with an official therapeutic organisation, you ought to be able to trust them to keep your details a secret. Just try and avoid any that have a religious agenda!! Using Spanish - wow ... now that can be your passport to almost anywhere in South America - or even Spain itself ?? That needs some serious thought!! As for your mom - she may surprise you. Sometimes parents use harsh words to their children as a sort of mis-placed means of protecting their children.. its a bit crazy logic but if she knew she may act very differently? Do you think that's possible? And maybe she'd stop using homophobic language around you. Keep using this site too. There are a lot of great people here to support you. I will send a friend invite if I may ?? Happy Christmas!!! xxx
Yeah, probably the most homophobic place in the Caribbean tbh. Yes, I do feel very stifled and suppressed. Sometimes I just want to scream or do something crazy with all these feelings bubbling up inside out me. I do feel renewed and a bit of hope since accepting I was gay about two months ago. I was in denial for years. I could not bring myself to admit that I was gay until I learnt about this site and realize that I'm not such a freak and there are many people like me. You are right, I am young and I have a lot of things to look forward to. I am going to take your advice and start planning my life 10 and 20 years from now. One of the reasons I kind of fell out with my 60 year old friend was that he was encouraging me to remain in the closet and also to become a priest. I'm happy for what he's helped me with but I couldn't do that. I am definitely going to explore the option of a therapist especially one without a religious agenda. I really want to get a lot of things off my chest to someone face to face. You are right, Spanish is definitely a passport out of my current situation. As exciting as it sounds I'm kind of scared especially since I've been playing things safe for my entire life! Sometimes I can be my worst enemy. My mom might definitely surprised me, I know she'd take it EXTREMELY hard to find out I'm gay but I imagine in a few years she'd get used to it - maybe 5 or 10 years, haha! I just feel I'd be cruel to put her through that because she has had a vision of who I am and I'd just take that all away for her. I remember at 11, she had asked me if I was gay and she was really angry so I denied it. She's so religious and I know she'd put me through some therapy to cure so that was why I denied it. As an adult it's different, she can't control my life it that way anymore but it would just tear me apart to put her through that by telling her I'm gay. I could lose her. I look forward to the friend invite and Merry Christmas to you too. I'll continue being here to draw support from everyone here and thank you for all your support and encouragement.
Hey Kyle.. You are going great... Knowing not to be a priest, and stay in the closet, must be a turning point. It will take some courage to make big changes, but one day you will look back and see what a great and necessary thing it was to do. I made a mistake earlier. Knowing Spanish is not just a passport to working in S.America.. it is a skill you could use anywhere in the world. As a language teacher, or working for a Spanish company or whatever. What sort of career do you think you might follow. And have you got any university degrees or anything?? "As an adult it's different, she can't control my life it that way anymore.." Sooo right!! You are now a true adult and you have to live how YOU want to live. Not how your mother wants you to live!!! Sorry Mum, your son is growing up!! :eusa_danc
Yeah, I just couldn't do that. Being a priest is not for me and I can't stay closeted for the rest of my life. I want to make those changes that would allow me to live a life that is more authentic. It takes too much energy to pretend to be what I'm not. I'd really love if I could make a career from blogging so I'm just seeing what I can do in regards to that right now. I have a few blogs where I write for and such. In the short term I'm hoping to find a teaching job or work in a hotel or administrative position. I have a Major in History and a Minor in Spanish so anything in research or translation would work for me. Jobs are scarce now though, I'm sending out application after application. I did an interview at the British embassy here for an internship which I'm hopeful about but they are just looking for two people but I hope I get it. Haha, yeah! I do realize that I've spent too much of my life trying to please her but now I'm wising up. It's just not healthy anymore and I want to get away from that sooner rather than later for my own sanity.
