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My "mild-dysphoria", I need your help!!!

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by noname8387, Nov 16, 2015.

  1. noname8387

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    PLEASE READ THIS: I know this post is a little long but I am completely lost and I really need your help!!! So please please I beg try to read it! If I can get to a conclusion with this one I think I will finally be ok.

    Some arguments I have read about my gender are:
    "Dysphoria can range from mild to extreme; some dysphoria is still dysphoria”. VS
    “You can be a guy and be feminine, like dresses, and heels; gender expression is not directly linked to gender”.

    Basically I have no body or social dysphoria, but I've been reading about this "mild dysphoria" and to be completely honest I think I do have it. The situation is that I’ve always loved the female aesthetic, the heels and the sound they make while walking, the long wavy hair and the beautiful dresses. I am in love with the image that brands like Chanel promote. The problem here is that I don’t know if my liking is too far? Many gays idolize women like Lady Gaga, Beyoncé or Nicki Minaj, or they have this thing where they feel like Regina George, Lana del Rey, Chanel from Scream Queens and similar diva archetypes, but I don’t see them struggling like me. That was the way I felt before I started questioning, so how can I go back to feeling like I did before? Before, I took everything like a metaphor instead of actual envy, and I thought it was funny, I liked it. But the the fun and games became serious when I started feeling like there might be a little more to it.

    Also all these things are really glamourized versions of women, when I think of real life women I don’t really want to be a woman at all. I love the female aesthetic and I think women are beautiful, sometimes I do want to look like them, but most of the time I'm comfortable being male, like what I see in the mirror, and prefer being a male in non-glamorous situations (but even then, I think my thoughts are really girly). I feel unease and confusion lately, but what I think I makes me uncomfortable right now is not that I "think I'm trans", it is that constant doubt about my gender, and that my self esteem and confidence are really low. Maybe I'm imagining that if I were a girl I could be more confident and not feel stuck in the middle. I like the male aesthetic too, but it usually focuses on seducing girls, exploding your masculinity, and it is not as popular as the female aesthetic. The gay aesthetic (if there is any) is cool but most of the time it is very sexualised and doesn’t have that elegance factor, maybe if it did I wouldn’t be having this problem.

    I also think I have prejudice problems and social roles implanted in me that I can't get rid of, they make everything more confusing and can work both ways, I have been told to think of men who act like women are pathetic and to not take seriously women who do man things.

    Maybe this is more of a confidence issue than a gender issue, society tells me that men can’t do the things girls do. Maybe if I became more comfortable with my body, being myself and had a better self esteem, I wouldn’t feel like I have to transition to do those things. If I were born with a female body I think I would have been more than ok, but I wasn’t and I do like my body so what I would would rather embrace the body I have, but I fear that it won’t be possible and I’ll realize too late.

    I know that gay men or men in general can do may things girls do, but in a lot of those things it looks weird when a man does it, maybe awkward, not as sexy or slightly pathetic? So that’s another reason why I “want” to be a woman, so it could look more normal, natural or better when doing certain things. I think naturally women are more aesthetically pleasing than most men. and that’s also why I feel like I want to look like them, because I want to look as best as I can.

    But the thing is, that nothing in life is perfect, we all learn to accept our bodies the way they are, for example, some people go through this phase in childhood when they want to be white, or have blond hair or something similar, but later learn to accept and love their skin color. I think having “the option" to change my gender really made me reconsider everything. but I put the things in a perspective and I still prefer to remain the way I am, but I can’t get my self-conscious to believe me. It’s the same with choosing a career, many people wish to be famous singers but can’t sing, and they are ok with the second best thing that they could find, can’t it be like that for me with gender? I think I’d prefer to be an ok looking man than a transitioned woman.

    Also something that could count as social dysphoria is that I get overwhelmed in too gendered places, when I am alone with the bros, they talk about stupid shit, or about hot girls and can act really misogynistic, and I feel like I don’t have the same sense of humor most of the time (But don’t a lot of gays feel uncomfortable with straight men sometimes too?). I have never had too many female friends, I guess you could say my humor is like theirs but I still find women a little silly and I don’t feel like I am part of them. I still keep having slight anxiety when I see many pretty girls with beautiful dresses and bald fat men in a row. The show scream queens gives me a little dysphoria because it is heavily gendered, the girls are beautiful and the men are a joke. And still, that’s just fantasy not real life.

    When I make a quick glance and I see a somewhat pretty girl for one second I panic, but then I see clearly and there she isn’t even that pretty, I don’t know if this is because I’m developing paranoia or it’s another sign of dysphoria.

    So when is this is dysphoria enough? Do I need to transition because of it? Or when is dysphoria little enough to not have to transition? It’s like “Oh just because you didn’t turn in a homework you have to repeat the entire course”. I have tried embracing the fact that I might be MtF, but it feels forced (I aways go back to feeling back to male), and I don’t have the desire to transition.

    Am I cis-enough or trans-enough?
    At this point I feel like there are too many excuses but they don't feel like excuses.
    What am I or how can I be happy??? :frowning2:

    Here are the posts that describe “subtle dysphoria” and “indirect dysphoria” (I don't have all signs they say, but most):
    Anagnori : The more subtle kind of gender dysphoria
    “That was dysphoria?†8 signs and symptoms of indirect gender dysphoria
     
    #1 noname8387, Nov 16, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2015
  2. baconpox

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    It sounds more like a gender role issue than a gender issue. Just think about guys like Choi Minki or drag queens.
     
  3. Koan

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    Then again; I am not sure at which point gender role issues become gender dysphoria?

    Much (or most) of my dysphora would be gone if I were free to dress and act as I want without negative repercussions from society. Of course, had I bodily dysphoria things would be different.
     
  4. Matto_Corvo

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    You know, not everyone who is trans transitions. Some experience mild dysphoria and still live their bodies and decide to stay the way they are. Like the person in the first link you posted. I am not a 100% sure but I do they are genderqueer and decided against full medical transition.

    But as bacon said, it really does sound like you have issues with gender roles and not gender itself.
    Think about this way, you are afraid to break societies views on what men can and can not do. But were you to transition you would still be stuck doing just that. Before transitioning and during transitioning you would find yourself having to go into spaces where people will still label you as a gender non-comforming male. Just by transitioning you will break society's view on what is wrong and awkward.

    If you want to wear a dress then wear a dress. You wanna do your nails than do so. You want to make female friends then do that as well.
    Some guys, straight and gay alike, find what a few other guys talk about to be awkward and hard to listen to. They are still male and they just are human and think differently from the person standing next to them.

    If you like your body and don't wish to change it then chances are you probably shouldn't transition, but as everyone will tell you that is up for you to decide.
     
  5. baconpox

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    If it's physical or about being called a girl/boy than it's not just gender roles. If it's all about repercussions from society it's probably not dysphoria.