I have a very complex story to say here. I know that I’m gay, and have known for years. I’m out to no one, and this is my first time using empty closets. Since I was young, I’ve suffered from A hormone disorder, and have been unable to produce my own hormornes. I take shots every night injected with hormornes, so that I can grow. I’m now 6 feet tall, but I face a major problem: I wish I were more femenine. I like living as a man, and being a woman isn’t what I want. But however, I hate being so masculine. I hate having the most leg hair, and a deep voice, and growing a dumb mustache, and a beard. I hate all this dumb testrorone that has to ruin my perfect life. I honestly don’t love being so masculine. I wish more than anything that I could be that Stereotypical gay guy. I know it sounds sad, but the truth is, I want to be him. I want to wear Lavender, sing pet shop boys, and go out for brunch. But he’s been stripped away from me, and I’ve been forced to live as a dumb lumberjack(not even a hot one). At first I thought It was possible all this stems from the fact that I want people to assume my sexuality rather than me have to tell them, but after some thought, I realized, all I ever wanted to be was him, that sassy elegant gay guy in a pink suit drinking wine, calling others darling. As of this year, I’ve been personifiying myself as 16 different monsters called “proghiham” they act like a mix of Yokai, inside out, and herman’s head. Drowie is one of them, and he is that effeminate gay guy, the sideshow bob to me, the Homer Simpson. That morty to my Silver. The tamatoa to my maui(you get the point). I’m stuck at a standstill, where I feel like all I be is like Drowie. I don’t know what to do, and I feel like I can’t do any of the truely effeminate things I want, because it doesn’t fit in with me. I need help, any advice would be appreciated
Why don't you think you can be that effeminate gay guy? If you don't like your facial hair, shave. And if you don't like your leg hair, shave that as well. Testosterone isn't holding you back from doing those things. Many of those stereotypical gay guys put in a lot of effort to appear more androgynous, it's not necessarily that they just look more feminine with no effort. They might have skin care routines, learn makeup, keep up on shaving, etc., to get the appearance they want. Start shopping for clothes to match the style you envision. You can be this person that you want to be.
If you're not able to take voice therapy lessons, there are free videos on YT from trans women (though most will stress that their goal is to NOT sound like a gay man, even if some get mistaken for women on the phone).
I don't want to give you false hopes, but would it be possible to discuss this with your endocrinologist? Maybe you could keep it simple by saying what has worked well and then mentioning that you're really bothered by the body hair and deep voice, that you don't really see yourself like that. Just changing the dosage(s) may not cause any big changes your secondary sexual characteristics; it's also possible that the dosage is set to avoid other health problems, but it shouldn't hurt to ask. It may be that they're making an assumption that you want to look and sound more masculine and they think that they're doing you a favor.
