my depression is lifting but sometimes i feel really hopeless again

Hi CL1990!

I think I'm in a similar situation as you are... I'm 31 and until now I've not been able to meet gay guys. And I've spent years asking me those questions: "you are late, what's the point of this, you feel alone but you don't dare to try and go out of the closet for other men..."

I don't know when I "pulled the trigger " and changed my mind. And I know it's not a permanent change, as it has taken me months of therapy and self-knowing, and struggling with anxiety and some depressing episodes. But now I think otherwise. I'm not late in life... if I never began walking the path at all. All the pressure was outside myself. My own rhythm finally has taken me to this point. And it seems that's a similar point where you are now.

Step by step. I've never been into the gay community, but I'm sure that, being there, your chances of meeting someone will increase. It will take some time, but you are reaching the right points.

 

Hi, CL 1990. I don't know if this will help you, but I acknowledge the negative thoughts but realize it isn't a tangible thing. It is just an old voice that I don't listen to anymore. Don't focus on what you "missed out" on (being gay, having dates, having boyfriends, etc.). Focus on a goal that may be easier to achieve. Instead of finding someone to date, make friends. In my experience, a supportive friendship network can help you discover that person who you can meet and date. It's great that you're involved in gay spaces. Just be open to friendships and be open to discovering what being gay and being gay with someone means for you. Am I making sense?

Keep us posted.

 

I have had similar thoughts about being far behind everybody else and coming out late to the gay scene. Sometimes it feels like being suffocated in a vacuum or being carved apart with dull knives. I always say people will like you because you're like everyone else or different from everyone else. Trying to mimic other people or being someone I'm not just to fit in is still just a facade of hollow happiness. My differences make me special and that's what attracts people to me. If you can't go with the grain embrace going against the grain.

I also realized even if I'm behind that its OK. Maybe it's not ideal but it's better than being stuck in place. I'd much rather finish 4th or 7th place rather than dead last or not at all. Moving forward is the only answer. We don't have to be winners or losers. You just have to do your best and finish strong. Everyone's past and journeys pose different trails and finish lines. If you compare them, it's like comparing a 1 mile straight line to a maze. In mazes you get lost and it takes time to find your way.

I have been compared, judged, and expectations forced on me by others and myself. It became so overwhelming that I got burnt out and sick of it all. I felt like I was being pulled in many hopeless contradicting directions. So now the only path that matters to me is the one I create. I hold myself accountable to my own standards and expectations and gradually push myself to do better. All that wasted time worrying about comparing myself to others and living up to impossible expectations caused me to become behind in the first place. Sometimes the problems we face are the ones we create.

 

I have felt exactly like you do. I am in a very confused state and don't know the answer to my problems. But this forum has helped me understand what exactly my problems are, and has made my feelings a lot clearer. I think that knowing why you feel the way you do, and that many people have the same experience will help you like it has helped me.