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My dad is questioning my sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by rewrittexn, Mar 29, 2020.

  1. rewrittexn

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    Every closeted teen's nightmare. I knew something was up. He was acting a little weird when Santana came out to her grandmother in Glee, and then he brought it up when we went on a walk. Later he followed our conversation with, "if you are gay, you can tell me." I didn't say anything. Then I found out today he had a conversation with my mom. He asked her if I like girls. So, it's pretty safe to say he is questioning my sexuality.

    I've always wanted to come out, but I was always scared because my dad is homophobic. But I think he has changed his views recently... at least a bit. Maybe I'm overreacting, if I'm not ready to come out, I don't have to, right? My dad and I have always been close... I feel guilty like I'm lying to him. The more he questions, the more I'm lying, and the more the guilt is chipping away at me.

    Another possibility, I'm scared of my relationship with my dad changing, because things like this always change a relationship, right? Deep down I know he will still love me. However, none of the people I've come out to see me the same, something changed in our relationship. I don't want the same thing to happen to me and my dad.
    I think at this point I'm just rambling:sweat_smile:

    Any advice, reassurance, stories of the same thing happening to you?
     
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  2. BiGemini87

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    Hey, Lyssaurus!

    It really sounds like your dad means it when he says you can tell him. I'm sure this is his way of letting you know that, no matter your orientation, he won't treat you any differently. It might cause some temporary changes at first, or you might start seeing signs that aren't there--but ultimately, I think your dad means well.

    However, this doesn't mean you have to come out before you're ready. Try not to feel guilty for not telling him yet; this is something you should only do when you're emotionally and psychologically ready. Even if he's ready to hear the truth, this doesn't obligate you to have that discussion until you're good and ready.

    As for experiences? I do feel like there might be a slight difference in how some of my friends act around me, but it's either really subtle, or all in my head. It could just be jumping at shadows, so I don't have anything definitive (as of yet).

    Does your mom know? Maybe you can talk things over with her and get her input on how to officially come out to your dad when the time's right.
     
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  3. rewrittexn

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    Yes, my mom knows. I kinda feel bad because now she's hiding something from her husband but she understands and says she won't tell him. She suggested to tell him when I'm going off to university. We both believed he would be upset, but now it seems like he is having a change of heart. We don't really talk about it much, me and my mom, I don't talk to anyone about my sexuality beside my cousin really. I know my cousin said she'll be there when I decide to come out to my dad, for moral support and to soften the blow.
     
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  4. starmotive

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    You don't have to come out to anyone if you're not ready or if you don't want to. But from what you've said it seems like your dad would be accepting if you came out to him.

    I've been in a similar situation. I'm out to my friends and my mom. My mom was accepting, but we never really talk about it. I haven't told my dad because we aren't that close and he used to be pretty homophobic. But ever since I came out to my mom, he's been pretty open about LGBT things and even went to pride with me. My therapist thinks that my mom must have told my dad (I never told her not to, so I mean it's entirely possible). I've kind of 'eased' my way into showing that I'm gay...pride pin, pride clothes, etc. so that may have given him a clue too lol
     
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  5. rewrittexn

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    I think ever since my dad started questioning it, he's been more accepting. He's watching what he's saying, which I'm happy about. Me and my mom were in a silent agreement to not tell my dad. 'Easing' into it seems like a good idea. So far all my pride pins are hidden for until I get to school. And I've always wanted a bi flag...:joy:
     
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  6. musicteach

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    Honestly? It sounds like he probably already has a good idea of it. Parents can move mountains for their kids, it’s just that sometimes it comes in the form of understanding our own prejudices are misplaced.
     
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  7. appleotome

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    If you aren't ready, then you're not ready. You don't have to be forced to do anything you don't want to do. If you wanna come out, however, then be wary of any maltreatment. Good luck hon!
     
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  8. silverhalo

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    Hey thats a tricky one. Perhaps it might be worth talking to your mum a bit and finding out her view on what your dad is thinking, I mean it sounds like he wants to accept you but at the same time if you dont want to come out you dont have to. Perhaps your Mum could get your Dad to back off a little in a subtle way.
     
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  9. PeterHuman

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    To give it another point-of-view, look at it from your dad's perspective.

    From your story it seems, your entire family knows but your dad doesn't. However, I guess he highly suspects it, and the more you try to avoid the topic, the higher his suspicions will rise.

    Also, he might be feeling like everyone is hiding it from him, and that might make him upset. Living in constant doubt is a torture. It's especially difficult when he asks you almost direct questions and you deny it, and he highly suspects you are lying to him. Most probably, he doesn't want to push for it too aggressively, but I imagine it still hurts to know that you might be not trusting him enough and choose to lie instead.

    If he's showing more accepting attitude lately, it's a sign that deep down he already knows. So your "coming out" would be not a surprise at all but just a formal "tick-mark".

    But it's all just my speculations. You know your dad better than me. Just try to put yourself in his shoes more often and you will find the right time to come out "officially".
     
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