Hi Everybody, I have been reading this forum for months now and have been working through a lot of stuff to be able to come out. It has really helped me in my journey and I need some more assistance. This is my first post and a long one (sorry) but I need some help or at least some comforting words. Just to give you some background; I work out of town and am only home every other week, I have been married for three years and together for 7 to a woman and have taken a long time to figure out im gay. My wife and I have had a rocky relationship that was always in turmoil (due to mental illness and being two completely different people). We had periods of happiness but I was always unhappy, mainly because I denied and didn't fully understand my sexuality. The way I dealt with my unhappiness was to drink and suppress my urges. I came out to my wife 5 weeks ago and have been suffering ever since. It was very hard for me to do this. It took a long time for me to figure out I was gay and that I didn't just like gay porn. My wife had already asked for a divorce before I had come out to her and then had asked to work on things. In February she had asked I move out of the room and into the spare room to which I complied. In Feb I honestly contemplated living in the closet and continuing to have a life with her. I mulled that over for months before deciding that I needed to be honest to her and to myself. In March she asked for a divorce and I agreed seeing that as being the easiest out without having to come out. We planned on divorcing and began figuring out financials when she out of nowhere decided that she wanted to work on things. I was hesitant to work on things and wasn't honest with her. This dragged on through until May. As I said I work out of town and have for the past four years and it has only made this worse as she has been calling me at all hours of the day and night to have an emotional breakdown on me.She has struggled with depression and abandonment issues the whole time we had been together. I am always there to listen and try and help but it has become too much. In June I came out to her and it rocked her world. She has become an emotional trainwreck. She calls me now more than ever screaming and crying, threatens me, threatens to hurt herself, is on medication for depression and anxiety and has crashed the car. Immediately after coming out to her she started going to therapy to which I agreed to pay for 4 sessions. I gave her everything in the house and all the equity in the house from the future sale. I have not involved lawyers as she cant afford them and it would financially cripple her. I left the house after coming out as it was the right decision for me and was very hard to do. I paid for everything in the house including the down payment and all the bills for 3 years. I know how broken she is and I guess I caved because I feel guilty putting her through all this. Since coming out to her she has been on a roller coaster of emotions which is totally understandable but she is completely unable to control her emotions. She is lashing out at me every chance she can get to hurt me by calling me names, texting constantly about how I hurt her, telling me that she hopes I burn in hell, calling me yelling and screaming, calling my place of work, and calling my friends. She just wont stop. I tried not responding for 8 hours and she began simultaneously calling my two work lines and cell phone one after the other, 47 texts and 8 emails until I answered. When I answer all she wants to do again is go into great lengths at how broken she is and how much I hurt her. It has been 5 weeks of this and I am a mental wreck myself now. I don't sleep and am so stressed I have a constant headache. At every turn I am trying to make this easier for her by doing everything to sell the house including going back there to clean up after her and cut the grass, sell items in the house and deliver them for her to keep all the cash, pack up the basement for her (all her stuff... oh btw she is a hoarder of sorts), and many more things . All the while I send her for a massage because she is stressed out, pay for her therapy, make sure there is food in the house, bring her food, and be her emotional support. All I am getting in return is I am an outlet for her emotionally abuse. :bang: I don't know how much longer I can take this and how to let her go as easy as possible. Everyday is a new drama and major crisis in her life. She cannot deal with life in general and this seems to be the massive tipping point to which she has cracked and is taking me down with her. We seem to have one good day and 6 very bad days every week. Our conversations are reminiscent of the movie groundhog day as nothing seems to change in her behaviour. I try everyday to be strong for her and me because if I was showing my true emotions this situation would be even worse. I am at a standstill where she can't even keep the house clean to show. It is like she wants everything and to do nothing for it but to beat me up in the process and make me do all the heavy lifting. After five weeks you would think things would begin to get better but they aren't. Any advice folks?:help:
Well, you gave her leverage, or so it seems. Perhaps you need not give her everything, every bit of money and the house. But rather make these things that she could get if she wants them, and can find respect for the both of you. It may be too late, but I think you have set it up so she gets everything no matter how bad she gets. You set this up this way. I know this is not what you wanted to hear. She is going to get everything now, and take you down too if you let her.
Thanks Jeff, I'm OK with having her take everything. I have the financial means to earn it back much quicker but what is troubling is the emotional distress. Money is money and I could take it or leave it. The part I am having a hard time with is the constant barrage of texts and phone calls. It is hard and is interfering with my job. She is on stress leave as well and I am continuing to work full time to support her, the house and the bills. I wonder how long it will be before things begin to settle down? I am stressed to the max right now and dont know how much longer this can go on for.
I think you really do need to consult a lawyer, if only to protect yourself from endless future claims on your time, money and emotions. It may be that your wife is entitled to claim for spousal support, and you may well be obligated to pay it.
I don't want to try to comment on your wife's emotional situation, since of course I don't know her, but it sounds like you are being very accommodating - much more than most people would be in a divorce situation. To a certain extent, this is laudable, and it's probably something that you can hold your head up high about. But - I get the sense that some of this extensive providing for her, at this point, has to do with feelings of guilt toward her. On the one hand, this is very understandable, and I think it's worthwhile to let yourself go through the process of feeling that and working through it in your own way. But, at some point, it's going to be necessary to draw a line, and say, "this is what I will provide for you given the situation, but this is what I will keep for myself." Continuing to provide the type of support you are could, in a way, be extending the relationship - you mention she's also (even if unintentionally) sabotaging the house selling effort by not keeping it clean enough to show. At the end of the day, there are two of you going through this divorce, and two of you whose lives are changing - and you deserve to be comforted and find some new sort of peace, some new normal, in your life as well. Maybe you accomplish this balance by legal support. Maybe you accomplish it by helping her find other means of support. But you need to carve out a place for yourself, too, so that you can grow and move past this. As far as the texts and calls, this may be one place to start carving out some of your own space. Have a conversation with her (if possible) and make it clear that interfering with your work isn't okay. Perhaps you could reach some sort of agreement about when you will and will not be able to respond to these texts during the day? I don't know how possible that is given her/the current situation, but on top of everything else, I think it's safe to say that you're not at all under any obligation to allow her to barrage you with constant interruptions at work. Frankly, this is a form of manipulation, and probably another attempt to prolong the relationship. Getting long so I'll wrap up, but best of luck - keep writing here, and hope things get (at least marginally) better for you soon.
Welcome to EC PrettyBear :welcome: I've been out to my wife for several weeks as well, and I can relate to what you are going through. The turmoil that you are experiencing is normal/expected as your wife processes her feelings about your being gay and the end of your marriage. I can relate to being the target of female rage. I've been the recipient of so many hurtful homophobic remarks that I've lost count. I love myself and feel pride in being gay to help insulate me from these hurtful remarks. I share the sentiment of other posters that you have been overly generous, so I would suggest that you retain an attorney to protect your interests. Hang in there brother (*hug*)
That is a very difficult situation you are going through, and I am glad you have found your way to this forum so as to have an outlet for it. Does your wife have family and friends you could reach out to and ask for help?
Update time: Trying to sell the house so we can both move on, realtor asks to show the house yesterday and I tell her to make sure everything is looking good in the house as I am out of the city for work. She is off on stress leave and has been for weeks now. She leaves the house a huge mess with a vibrator sitting in the bathroom sink.:bang: She is not making this easy. You would think that if you are getting all the proceeds out of a house you would want it to sell quick for the most amount of money and that you would keep it clean. Somehow I am being wrapped up into the drama daily and am having a really hard time trying to escape from it. I just feel so bad for hurting her and lying to her for so long. I guess that is why I have let her steamroll me over with financials and taking care of a house im not even living in anymore. I am trying to disconnect from it all and deal with what needs to happen in front of me. Hoping this all calms down when I get back into the city tomorrow. She is headed back home to visit her mom in another province. I will try and show the home and pack up as much stuff as possible. I hope that once the house sells it will make some of this final for her and she can begin to heal and get some peace with it. I am planning on attending a support group in my city for men on Sunday nights. I am super nervous about it but need to get out there and meet the community and not just hook up sites. I also feel like crap about being excited for this new chapter in my life while she is falling apart. It feels so weird seeing someone you spent a good amount of time together in life falling apart all the while being excited about being out finally. I knew it would be hard but not this hard. It has been really difficult with the whole lawyer situation but I think I will be retaining a lawyer to know what my legal rights are and how I should be proceeding. I know I have screwed myself over already but it is almost getting to the restraining order time as she cannot control herself from lashing out at me mentally, emotionally, or physically. I dont want to do that but she cant stop herself which makes me feel worse because I did it to her. But I cant control her emotions or actions. She is the only one in control of that. I really appreciate all the kind words and advice. (&&&) I dont know where I would be without this forum.
As much as she wants a divorce, it almost seems that she's stalling the sale of the house (probably not consciously). Maybe she hasn't fully "processed" the fact your relationship is no longer what she/you thought it was. Talking to a lawyer sounds like good and necessary advice, remember you're responsible for yourself before anyone else. take care and good luck
PrettyBear, you are 29 years old. Most of your life is still ahead of you. You, no less than anyone else, deserve to have a life that is fulfilling. You WILL get through this. In the meantime, however, you might consider seeing a counsellor to deal with the issue of guilt, which all of us who have been in your shoes have felt, and to some extent still feel.
It isn't your coming out that is a train wreck, it is your wife. You need some legal help right now with the harassment issue; a lawyer can help get you a restraining order to legally stop her from bothering you at your workplace. All you have to do about the texts is hit the ignore button, and tell her you are no longer going to read any of them, so she has to communicate with you civilly by email if she has a need to contact you about the house. You also need to make it clear to her that the house IS going to be sold, and that since she is receiving the equity in it, she is only sabotaging herself by not keeping it in showing order. Offer a temporary maid service if she is incapable of doing it, until the house is sold. For your own sanity, tell her that if she wants to talk to you politely, you will do so, but the moment she starts yelling at you, and telling you how you have "ruined her life", you are going to hang up and block her calls for 24 hours, then 48 hours, then 96 hours, etc. Enough is enough, and you had more than enough.
Does she have BPD (sounds like it)? For them, the abandonment issues are a huge thing, and really trigger serious turmoil. 5 weeks is not so long. You have been confronting your feelings and dealing with your own pain for a very long time, whereas to her, this is very new and raw. She probably needs support and help which goes deeper than caregiving, and is outside of the scope you can/should provide. She needs her own support network. Does she have family? I think subconsciously, some people with emotional problems pick closeted gay partners because they sense the unavailability and are drawn to it, like some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. It can take people years to get over a failed marriage (especially if they feel victimized and don't want to take accountability for their own role). I understand your guilt. But, you are doing the right thing by being open and honest now. You have been very honorable and respectable by helping her in the ways that you have. But, you can't put yourself at risk, and need to look after yourself, too. Enjoy your meetup. You need support of your own, and can't live a lie for somebody else. Especially at 29. Good luck.
Update time: Hi everyone, Thanks for all the support and kind words. It has really helped over the past week and a bit. Things have moved forward; the house is sold and we are trying to move on. I am seeking legal support and mental support. It has been really tough with my soon-to-be ex. I am standing up for myself and am not giving into the craziness. I have accepted that her behaviours do not dictate my actions. I am not giving in anymore and am standing strong to ensure I can come out of this on the other side alive. I still entertain the phone calls and texts because she refuses to sign things and tries to cancel house deals if I dont. But I still get my point across while hearing hers. We are going to see a lawyer next week and the closing date on the house is the end of August. There is an end in sight. That is what is keeping me going these days. I can already begin to feel happier in my new place and am starting to get settled. I am seeing that the insanity that i'm going through is only temporary as intense as it is now there is an end to it. Thank you again everyone for your support and kind words, they mean the world to me. (&&&)
Hey PrettyBear, first of all, I want to commend you for the decisions you have made. Coming out to your wife instead of just living in the closet, trying to take care of her and worrying about her financial and emotional state, all these things tell me you are a really considerate person and a kind hearted one. That being said, I would say that I can tell your wife is stalling, possibly manipulating you, etc. It is a hard thing to do, but I think you just need to remember that you cannot be responsible for another person's happiness. You were kind, you have done the right things, you went above and beyond with her. You need to make the best of your new life and not be sucked into her vortex. That doesn't make you uncaring, it is just what it is.
PrettyBear I relate to what you are going through and have been experiencing similar emotions for the past 18 months after being married for 23 years. However, my wife's behaviour has been immaculate. We have broken off all communication, except through the lawyers who are sorting out the divorce settlement. (Regular contact was too hurtful for both of us)The guilt feelings remain the worst part for me to deal with, and of course, I am missing her a lot and worry often about her well being. I do understand that a relationship (as friends) is not possible now. My concerns and guilt feelings are interfering with my commitment to my boyfriend with whom I have been for a year. Unfortunately, feelings (the good and the bad) comes and goes in waves. The bad ones do get less intense and less frequent, very very slowly. The good ones, are fortunately the best that you may have experienced in your life so far. I suppose our ex spouses, whom some of us did really love will always remain like a scar that can never be removed fully. Good luck with your journey and be good and patient with yourself, it does take time.
