Mum found my porn. Advice?

Depending on the age/maturity of your brother and the kind of relationship you have, it may be a good idea to talk to him about the consequences for you if word gets out.

He needs to know it's not a joke - try and have a serious conversation with him, and also maybe tell your mum that your brother overheard and you're worried he's going to spread it about.

Sometimes brothers/sisters just don't undertand how serious this sort of thing is.

 

It could be much, Much, MUCH worse my friend and to be quite honest it seems like your mom is trying to support you and try to keep YOUR best interests at heart, which at this stage is pretty important. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but I think your mom was trying to do her best to lend you her support but without knowing all the details if that makes sense. She can't make the best judgment calls for you or to protect you from "boys making fun of you at school" because she just doesn't know all the facts and by the sounds of it neither do you (not to sound like a jerk or anything but it sounds like you're wrestling with the idea of being bi which is what I was getting at).

Give her a chance but to be honest, as people above me have already posted being Gay or Bi isn't a disease. It's just a part of who you are. Do what feels right to YOU. That's the most important thing to remember.

 

Hey buddy!

Sounds like you've had a pretty tough day and I'm pretty sure so did your mom. One things clear though, she loves you and I think will, once over the shock, accept you for what ever you are. The way she approached it is more positive than negative... Remember, parents have dreams for us and it usually include grandchildren etc. and it's a big shock for them to be faced with a different reality, especially if they feel that they are to blame for it.

Uniqueusername3 gave you some excellent advice and I totally agree, take her up on the shrink offer, it will help you navigate trough all of this and get on top if things... Whomever and whatever you turn out to be, it helps you to figure things out and accept yourself!

Come to think about it, I think your Mom would do well to see one too as she's going to have to come to terms with all of this too... Right now she is blaming herself and doesn't know how to approach this.

What ever you do, don't shove all of this back into the closet... You have a golden opertunity to deal with it now in stead of later in your life which is a huge advantage! I think the worst bump is out of the way, from here on you can start building upwards.

PS, I'm a swimmer too, best sport in the world!!!

D

 

When I was in high school, my mom found my porn. I knew because it was all gone one day after she had cleaned my room. It was super awkward, and I was really embarrassed and tried to avoid seeing her. She never mentioned it. I imagine that she felt just as awkward as I did maybe even more awkward. LOL. When I came out to my parents, they already knew, not just because of finding porn, but I was a pretty gender-nonconforming kid.

Just know that everything will be okay. Even if your mom brings it up, everything will be okay. Denying it will make it worse, because your mom found your porn on your computer. Just own it if she asks you. Good luck. Don't stress too much.

 

Dude you have my sympathies, yes your mom means well and what the others said above is true BUT when reading the encounter with your mom in the room I totally felt all of it! like a kmn moment but it will get less awkward with time trust me.

 

You've been put in a really difficult position there by your mum.

She forced that conversation on you - and you had no choice but to sit there and listen. She did it without consideration for your privacy and has effectively outed you to your brother. That's horrible for you - and entirely not your fault.

Now, if you're genuinely worried about your brother spreading it around, you need to act quick and tell your mum what happened - make it clear that she has to stop him - jeez, I would be angry enough to say "If it got out, it would make my life hell, and I will forever blame you"

Sure, that's a horrible thing to say, but she messed up bigtime. She's made a mistake and needs to fix it (by shutting up your brother).

 

I'd talk to your brother first and tell him that this is actually a major life moment for you, and laughing is just making you feel terrible.

Even though you're embarrassed, I'd talk to your mum a bit more. She said she wants you to end up with a girl basically, the whole marriage with kids, and if you end up leaning more towards guys that'll mess with your anxiety. You should at least mention that, being bi, there's a chance you might end up with a guy.

 

This exact thing happened to me once. she didn't say anything about it for months, but i knew she saw it. when I told her i was gay she said she'd suspected but didn't want to bring it up because she wanted me to feel comfortable telling her when i was ready. try to calm down as someone said above, if she had a big problem with it, it's likely she'd have reacted. she may just want to respect your privacy, and porn is an awkward subject with parents regardless of orientation, its not hard to understand why your nervous. But keep your head up and this too shall pass

 

At this point the cat's out of the bag, bud. But there's nowhere to go but up. Chin up, stay positive, and it will get better.

 

posted by: WinterSwimmer Yeah, my mum stopped by to ask if I was okay before going to bed and i'm definitely a lot more upset than she is. I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping. Just thinking about everything is really getting to me. I thought about breaking it off with the gf but decided against it since I do like her. I also debated whether to tell my mate who is gay but i don't think its a good idea. I still kind of want all of this to go away and that's definitely not going to help things.

Well, I've been caught with heterosexual porn. and my parents confronted me immediately, and took the computer because those sites have many virus's. But after the gay porn being found i was never confronted (Just the occasional are you ok? or You know if you need to talk to me about anything you can right?) I worried, and got lots of sleepless nights, But it turned out not to be a huge deal. i think your mom loves you and doesn't want to do anything that might really upset you. thats where the small hints come in, asking vague but clearly supportive questions to make sure your ok just hang tough, take one day at a time and sooner or later you will be able to tell her and when you do, just having someone know and not judge is just amazing! (!)

---------- Post added 14th Apr 2014 at 11:20 PM ----------

And if you ever want to talk, vent or whatever just PM me. cuz it wasn't too long ago that i was in the same position

 

little advice. Bout the porn thing. Come on people learn how to block stuff. I create a fake history easily, hide files with coded names, and password everything separately. Wether it is bad or good stuff. My parents have no business knowing what I do online (its not all porn, actually very little, I just don't want them knowing what I watch, t.v wise).

On a more serious note I am almost 100 percent sure my dad rated me out to my mom. She brings up the subject of other gay kids and I just play dumb. Also there is a limit to the amount of anxiety a person can handle. If it gets too difficult, then why not come out. I would not bring up the porn thing.

 

Ok, putting on my dad jeans for this one, but bear with me please. First I realize how annoying having your mom monitor the computer is. But the reality is that the online world is not just some random binary collective completely divorced from the physical world we live in. The things we do online can and often do have real life implications. Your mom is going exactly what she should be doing to make a reasonable effort to keep you safe.

Now the porn stash. I too got burned when mine was discovered by my wife. I quickly lied about it and she accepted the lie and that has been a thorn in my conscience ever since until I finally came clean a month ago. You're 14 so I can't tell you what you should do to keep a stash, just be careful about what you are accessing and storing and the kinds of sites you visit.

Now the dreadful conversation with your mom. It makes my head hurt, some of things she threw at you. Like others have said whatever your orientation is it is not a choice. Who your friends are does not influence your orientation, but can influence your behavior. If you're bi or gay and have homophobic friends, you're more likely to go into bunker mode in your closet. If they're straight they may be supportive but it's awkward to broadcast at this point when you aren't sure of yourself. It's perfectly fine to not have the answers right now about how you feel.

Your mom did good by talking about safety and offering protection. But encouraging you to be sexually active with your girlfriend is irresponsible. Offering protection is fine but the decision of whether you are in a situation that calls for you to be responsible and use it is entirely different. Plus, the question about how you would be intimate with a guy is completely inappropriate invading your privacy.

So, then we're left with the psychological sledgehammer of marriage and kids. You can guess by my username where I'm going with this, maybe you've seen my posts elsewhere. I'll keep it short: do not under any circumstances let the decision of whether you get married and have a family be based on other people's expectations, and do not approach the relationship from a position of lies or denial of who you really are. If you're not certain about where you fall on the spectrum you owe it to yourself and your partner to have an honest discussion before going forward in the relationship.

Bottom line is that your mom does have a responsibility to keep you safe, but with that comes the obligation to respect your dignity as an individual.



Be safe. Listen to your mom.
Be real. Don't remain silent if your dignity is being abused.
Be you. You are who you are for a reason. Learn to embrace yourself.

 

No, I wasn't worried about what you were doing, it was more a concern about the kinds of sites you may visit; just be careful that the models/performers are legal age and the site posts the legal notices. There are plenty of dodgy characters running websites that can get you into trouble before you realize what hit you. The internet is a lot like the wild west and the sheriff in town isn't even armed.

Actually this is a BFD, so if I implied otherwise I really apologize. I knew I was different from other guys when I was 10 and figured out that I was gay when I was around 13. I didn't deal with it until I started college and hit it off with a nice guy who quickly became my boyfriend. Long story short, I came out to my family, it went horribly badly, and I went back in the closet and dumped my BF. I spent the next 23 years hiding in the closet, married with two kids. Only after my mom died last year did I begin to process just how messed up I was inside, I became very depressed and just wanted to die. A friend pulled me out of it, helped me see that the world is not going to end just because I'm gay. It took me a couple of months to get comfortable with seeing myself as a gay dad. Then it took several more months to get the courage to face reality and come clean with my wife.

At 14 I wouldn't expect you to be thinking about marriage or kids. I only pass along my caution to plant the seed for you to keep in mind later on that if there's any doubt in your mind about who you are it will save you and your partner whomever they are and whatever gender they are a lot of heartache down the road by hoping that things will work out. At your age, I knew I was supposed to be attracted to girls and felt obligated to ask a couple out to a movie or something, but it never went anywhere and I knew it was because I'd rather have been asking a guy out (actually, more likely would have had to be a guy asking me out). But that was the mid-80's in the Bible Belt of the Deep South, so there was no way that was happening.

Almost definitely so; there's no parenting manual to work with and parents are just as uncomfortable talking about sex with their kids as their kids are about hearing it from their parents. My parents told me flat-out that they were relying on the sex ed. class at school to cover things, and if I had questions I could ask them. Otherwise, they washed their hands of any sex talk. Obviously, with them being fundamentalist Southern Baptists there was no way I could ask them about my feelings or else I'd be sent off for reprogramming. Now, here I am today with an almost 11-year-old son and dreading having this conversation with him; not only because of the subject matter in general but because I'm a gay dad and he doesn't know about me yet (only that we are getting a divorce).

And that is perfectly acceptable to not be comfortable with this right now. Not everyone is ready to figure all this out at 14. Some people know younger and are fine with it; others don't know until later in life (50+) and still have trouble accepting it. There is no timeline on when you "should" be able to know and accept yourself. But, you have an advantage over many people in that you are here and have plenty of people who can listen and support you as you figure this out. You don't have to deal with this alone.