Has anyone started antidepressants in the early stages of orientation confusion? My daily stressed out self now has turned into a pretty rough depression. I worry that my mindset is now fixed in the negative making it hard to focus and see things for what they are. I still wonder if being depressed and unhappy is what made me start questioning things in the first place. Like maybe I fell out of love and feel nothing during sex because I was unhappy to start with. But I think I know deep down it is more than that. I'm wanting to see the good and possibility of finding peace and happiness with my current life but I just can't see that being possible with my state. But then of course there's the big possibility that I'm depressed because I'm latching on to something that deep down isn't right for me. It's just all so intense and confusing. I'm so terrified that I am sabotaging my life just because I'm confused and unhappy. I'm writing in my journal, reading "The Power of Now", starting some yoga, and working on being in the moment... but I think I need more help. I'm grateful for this group and knowing I'm not alone.
Yes, I became depressed during that phase. My Dr. talked about how a number of stressors all at once can leave us feeling overwhelmed and make it easier to become depressed (I'm paraphrasing here, it's not really a causation thing, more that our reserves are depleted making us more susceptible to depression). She recommended that I take an antidepressant for a while to help take the edge off, allowing therapy to have a bigger benefit and allowing me to make better decisions as I went through questioning, working through marriage vs divorce, issues with doing the best for my kids etc. Anyways, the medicine did help me. I had more energy to deal with things and didn't get stuck in negative thought patterns, I was able to break out of them more easily. This made therapy, journaling, all the other personal work I was doing more effective. I want to emphasize that the personal work is what got me to where I am today, the antidepressants just made that work more efficient / effective and I think I made fewer poor decisions than I would have without meds.
Thank you, ThisIsKris- that was helpful and exactly what I have been thinking. I just need an extra boost to see past the negativity. I do completely agree that therapy and self improvement are the most important in order to actually make progress. At first I was against antidepressants when I was feeling all the emotions because I wouldn't want them to numb me to the point of not being in tune with myself. But I think unfortunately I'm past that point and am stuck in a rut. Thanks again!
Wow I could have written something very similar a few hours ago. I'm sorry you're struggling (and you too maverick1). If you think something to ease some of the anxiety would be helpful, I say go for it. Have you talked to your counselor about it? I'm glad you're journaling. I find it really helpful to just write out my current thoughts and I can let go of them for a little while. I've been trying to separate my issues/concerns into three buckets: sexuality, marriage and emotions. It helped me to organize the big stuff but at some point they all collide and I'm not sure what's the chicken or the egg. I keep going back to the knowledge that I've never felt comfortable as myself. I'm trying to spend the next few weeks actually letting myself feel things that may not be "what I'm supposed to feel." My husband has to go the West coast for business in mid July and is insisting I come because we need to spend more time together. I'm holding out for that trip and hope to have a better idea then. If not, I'm going to suggest we go to counseling together. Have you found yoga helpful? I was thinking about going but then saw how cute some of the female instructors were and questioned my motivations...
I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this, Leb10! Sorry you also are experiencing all these crazy confusing emotions. That is a very good idea to try and keep the three components separate as yes I agree it's so easy for them to overlap and pay attention to what is what. I'm trying to see if there is room for improvement with us or if it is all mostly me and my sexuality that is creating this. Unfortunately my therapist was booked the second week, so after a very long 2 weeks I finally am seeing him on Wednesday. He is then on vacation next week and after that I hope to get on an every week schedule because this is too much to deal with on my own. I'll often think "today I would tell him I'm pretty sure I'm lesbian".. and then the next day I think "oh today I will say I don't want to focus on my sexuality because I think it's really that I'm depressed and need to work on our relationship". Most days I'm more convinced I'm gay than not, so that's a bit of an indication. It's just crazy what a rollercoaster it has been. So funny about being hesitant to do yoga because of cute instructors! Haha I only did one class at my new gym and LOVED it. Feeling the burn of the poses while relaxing and focusing on your breathing takes the pain away and forces me into the moment. It seriously helped me.
You're welcome! And I like your typo, maybe I am ready to switch to ThisIsKris. I am still learning how to be myself, but I have a much clearer idea of who I am now than I did back when I joined EC. Best wishes on your journey!
