I'm a 15 year old male, I don't come across as gay to my friends and peers, and a few months ago, I finally accepted living my life as a gay man. I was never confused, I have always known I was gay, and I finally have the confidence to go on as a gay man, and maybe even come out to more people including my family because I am so comfortable about it. That seems terrific. However for months, my interest in sex has been dropping. For about a week now I have hit zero. I may find a guy to be cute, but I have absolutely no attraction or interest in sex. I don't find it remotely appealing anymore. For months I just felt bored, but with some porn I could always get turned on. Then it faded into an intense urge just for cuddling or hugging but nothing more. Now I just feel incredibly lonely in this area as I have never had any form of gay relationship and don't find any sort of intimacy appealing. I have never been less confident in my sexuality but I figured it only worked that way for straight/bisexual people, not someone who is aware and sure of being gay. I don't know, but I could use some advice.:help: Oh, some history: I was severely depressed a while back. But again, it was a long time ago, I was never on medication, and I have been free and clear of it, but my sex drive has only continued to lower. I also have some infection along the lines of food poisoning that has been going on for 2 months now which could be affecting body chemistry I guess. But again, this seems to be occurring with or without physical/emotional changes so I can't help but wonder...
There is a constant stereo-type that Gay people do not question their sexuality and that it all makes sense to them no matter what; WRONG! Anyways, I know how you feel; it's like, the past you KNEW, you just KNEW that you HAD TO HAVE been what orientation you pre-port to be, but then one day; something happens and turns your world upside down. But I am all better now; overall unchanged but I do keep an open mind and do not let the label of Straight weigh down any possibility of a homosexual/romantic relationship in the future. I'd advise the same for you, as for the drop in sex drive, it happens; fear and confusion and questioning are a HUGE libido and passion killer and can affect your sex drive. Don't worry, you are gay, you are happy with that; and that is what matters.
One of the symptoms of depression can be a low to even non-existant libido. I know you say you're not 'severely depressed' any more. But is it possible you are still suffering from depression? If so, it could account for your low interest in sexual activity. Depression, and mental illness in general is very misunderstood in our society. Many individuals feel as though you should just "get over it and be happy." However, depression stems from a hormonal imbalance in the brain (specifically serotonin and dopamine), and is not only psychological in nature, but also physiological. Telling someone to get over depression is like telling them to get over pneumonia or cancer: it's a silly notion! You just can't will it away. If it's a possibility that you are suffering from depression, you should seek treatment. Counseling and medications could help with depression and not only fix your low libido, but greatly improve many aspects of your life over all!
Depression really does a number on libido, that's for sure. I've been dealing with depression for a while now and when I'm getting bad I have zero interest in sexual activities. So maybe your depression might be coming back? It can be hard to notice if you slip back into a worse phase. Or really, maybe you are just stressing yourself out. As unknown said, fear, confusion, stress and the like are libido killers. Also, I think maybe the thing is that you are craving a stable relationship more than sexual contact, since you mentioned that intense urge for cuddling and hugging. And especially if you've never been in a relationship before, that's enough to make anyone nervous. All those new things can be frightening. So, really, give it time, don't worry too much about your libido. Also you might want to get that infection checked out if you are able, food poisoning shouldn't last for two months.
I hear you saying that you aren't depressed now, so the comments about depression and its effect on your sex drive probably aren't on the mark. So one possibility, since it's only been a few months since you came out, is that at some level you may still be dealing with the grief associated with coming out (5 stages = denial, anger, bargaining, grief, acceptance, not always in order.) I've seen a number of other people here at EC describe similar things so I don't think it's that uncommon. Also, at 15, it would be entirely normal for your sex drive to be all over the place, very low at one point, and then a day, a week, or a month or two later, hitting the roof. The loneliness, on the other hand, is likely a part of the process of assimilating into your new identity. We are hardwired for connection to others, and having recently come out, you probably don't have a strong sense of connection... not just in the sense of a boyfriend, but in "belonging" to a group of people like yourself. Gay people have difficulties with "belonging" that are pretty unique because unlike, say, ethnic minorities who can still connect with their family members, gay people realize that they are different, and have to "fit in" in straight society, until they find connectiion with others who are simliar. So that could be a piece of it as well. You mention the ongoing illness/infection. I assume that's being treated by a doctor? If so, it is probably worth mentioning your sex drive next time you see him/her, just to make sure it isn't a part of something he might need to know about. In any case, I hope the above is helpful.
While I agree with most of Chip's post and think there is some great advice contained within it, I must respectfully disagree with his premise that just because you don't feel as though you are depressed that it isn't part of the problem. That is a possibility of course. However, depression isn't just "feeling sad." Depression is a very complex disease that has global effects on the body. One of the main symptoms is feeling sad, hopeless, etc. But just because you are not specifically feeling that at any given moment does not mean you aren't suffering from depression, and that the physiological chemical and hormonal processes that cause depression aren't affecting you. True depression, not just "being sad," is most often a chronic condition, and if you have a history of severe depression, there is a very high chance it could return, or that it never really went away completely without treatment. I'm not telling you all of this just to help you with this particular problem. I'm just trying to get you to reflect internally and examine yourself to see if maybe there's a possibility you are depressed. Because if so, I would urge you to seek help. Not just to deal with the problem at hand, but to improve your overall health and wellbeing. Untreated depression has created internal wars, torn families and friends apart, and has claimed countless lives of great people. I just wouldn't ever want to happen to you or anyone else.
Ok, to clarify some things, yes the illness is being treated. The depression was extremely long, and I know the ins and outs of this disease from my experience. I had made it out on my own, but I decided to seek treatment afterwards out of fear of it returning. So I spent a few months in therapy until me and my therapist agreed I felt no need to continue, and that I was confident in my health (still am). On the note of "fitting in" I (during my months of depression) came to meet an incredible group of friends after realizing how left out I was in another group I was usually with. I am perfectly comfortable with being in or out of the closet with these people. I do happen to turn on my straight act really hard around them... But I'm fairly certain one of them is gay (considering he has on occasion, come out but there was never any further conversation so he is presumably "straight" still.) Point is, it was the first feasible relationship. Which is a total first straight or gay. I think one of you was on the nose: a dopamine related thing. The other kind of intimacy is what I'm desperate for. Just comfort. Idk but the psychological block I have on sex right now might just be lifting as I have a building faith in a possible relationship. Well thanks, good advice and input
