More effeminate after coming out?

I am dealing with a very similar situation so you're not alone. I have a very close female friend who has mentioned that I display more effeminate mannerisms from time to time. I too kept my sexuality repressed for many years and am having the same issues as you are. The advice and insights offered by our fellow members here are making a lot of sense.

 

Often in Nature, more of something often happens when there is less of something else. Relieve the little censor from your mind, and you will find that your guardedness disappears, and you no longer fear being yourself, whether that self has some degree of fabulousness will vary from person to person.

There is also a little room for fun. I once met a totally camp guy, and because I know how to lay it on thick, I kind of mirrored his campiness. What was funny is that he took it completely normally, as if this was the way I "normally" spoke and moved; I really didn't know I had it in me to that extent!

 

Yea, but I sort of been effeminate before coming out. Hey, I'm in a house full of women, so I guess it rubbed on me. I'm just being me, which is outrageous.

 

I relate to this post in every single way. Thank you so much for expressing exactly what has been in my head for the past month. As for me, I have known for a while that I wanted to investigate many "girly" things, and that I avoided them out of pure fear; however, after coming out, I feel that my behavior/speech/gesticulations have been more aligned with some gay-man stereotype than my true nature.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what's really going on. Time will tell.

 

I've dealt with this even though I'm not out yet. I think it has to do with fearing "looking gay" when you're not out. You assess every little movement making sure you don't give away any signs. I actually consider myself quite masculine, but there are times when I catch myself about to be a little effeminate and I stop it (something I'm not really proud of). I hope this changes when I do come out.

It's something I've even been self-concious about with my voice. I don't have a girly voice necessarily, but it's not as deep as I think it should be, so I often fear "sounding" gay. It's crazy to think how much pain and effort we go through to hide something when it would just be so much easier to be ourselves.

 

I've always had a theory that even straight men are more effeminate on the inside than we think. The way society treats masculinity for men is to set it in direct opposition to femininity so that they are mutually exclusive traits, i.e. there is no feminine masculine man. Contrast this with women who can exhibit masculine traits without detracting from their femininity.

When we come out as gay we've thrown off the shackles of conventional masculinity, freeing us to explore both our masculine side and our feminine side.

 

I think it varies.

I have seen some people who came out 100% stay consistent before and after coming out.

I have seen some people acquire more effeminate mannerisms after coming out. One was a real surprise. There was a guy who lived on my floor in the dorms who hit on me, I played stupid, and we still remained friends. He was a smoker and had a gravelly smoker's voice. I then found him on social media. He was listed. I called him and the voice message stunned me. It seemed like a different person. I didn't want to leave a message since he wasn't home. We live far from each other and I sort of let it go. I have never heard a voice change so much from the before to after phase.

 

I think the phenomenon is two-fold: on one hand, men are taught to suppress so many expressions and emotions, that unless you're the campiest of the camp, you're probably going to hide some of those, even in the most accepting of environments. Homosexuality, femininity, and privilege all play parts in the equation, and one false misstep can send the house of cards falling.

Then, we have many gay men who do play up stereotypical traits. You could argue for some, they're inborn, while for others, they're learned (my father likes to brag how when I first moved in with him, I had a high-pitched, girly voice, which he blames on being raised by women). It's the same with any culture: we identify members of the same tribe from certain outward cues.

Some people say the whole lisp thing among gay men is learned, when so many admit to having it from an early age. How can some things, spanning time and space, be a coincidence? It seems too good to be true. I've tried, believe me, but that's something that's pretty much stayed the same. One the other hand, I'm a lot less uptight around guys!