I recently hooked up with a guy I met online. He didn’t say anything about his relationship status, nor did I (I’m single, though). We met and hooked up at his place, and nothing I saw in his place suggested another person, but I can’t shake this nagging feeling that he was married or had a girlfriend. I don’t know for sure, but now I’m feeling super guilty at the thought of potentially having contributed to someone being unfaithful. Am I overblowing this? I ignored my hunch that he might be with someone because I figured we could just take a don’t ask/don’t tell approach, but now I’m wondering if that was a mistake. I don’t have a moral problem with a random hookup, it’s just my concern that I helped someone cheat that has me twisted up. Granted, I don’t know for sure, and I probably will never know because I probably will not see him again. Has anyone else been in this situation? Thanks for reading.
Hi there! While I haven't experienced your situation, I can understand your thoughts, feelings and the resulting guilt. My suggestion would be trying not to give it too much thought or ruminating on it as there doesn't seem to be evidence that the guy is in a relationship. What the other person shares with you, is of course something you can't control even if you were to ask before a hookup. If the guy comes back you can always decline a further hook up based on your feelings or instincts. That said, it might be worthwhile to reflect a bit on how you feel about hook ups on a deeper level. While you mentioned that you don't have anything against hooking up there seem to be questions that you are asking yourself.
For more context, he owned his own house but said he could only host before 3 pm, which made me suspicious. There could be any number of reasons for that, of course, but I found it suspicious nonetheless. Hello Mirko, thank you very much for your feedback. I suppose it’s true that even if I asked that wouldn’t mean the person would be forthcoming. It is perhaps worth thinking about hookups in general and whether that’s something I should engage in or not. Thanks again.
Hi, because you have some concerns, it shows that you have a good moral compass. So many people wouldn't even care. The person who engaged in deception was the person you had an encounter with. Not you. Say it had happened on the road in a hotel where he was on a business trip, you wouldn't have had any idea about his status and he would have been doing the same thing. When these situations get sticky and more problematic is when the person actually knows the wife or the girlfriend. And these situations happen, too. The situation I just described is quite a bit more loaded. I would try to relax and let this pass. And, if you read your gut, try to avoid similar situations with similar circumstances going forward.
I appreciate that. It’s not casual sex that I have a moral issue with, but the deception. However, as you said, it’s his deception, not mine. As a way to try to course-correct, a guy I hooked up with last summer reached out to me and I didn’t reply. After we hooked up back then, he revealed to me that he had a girlfriend, and I felt a similar sense of guilt and remorse. Knowing that now, I feel it’s best to just avoid him and look for somebody else.
