After thinking about this for a long, long time, and especially after seeing what other people have to say in this forum, my life is starting to make more sense to me. I wonder if this resonates with anyone … I’m sure I’m not straight, and I’m pretty sure I’m not fully gay. I feel sadness writing that because it feels like I don’t belong with either group. It would be lovely to be fully gay, and I could find groups, events, and activities for gay men. Or it would be so simple to be fully straight so that I could just forget about such things. I feel too straight to be gay, and too gay to be straight. I so strongly feel the same-sex attractions that people describe here. But unlike what some men have written in this forum, I’m not repulsed by the thought of being intimate with a woman. Since being with a man is what’s missing, that seems to be where my desires are. I am married to a woman, although we haven’t been intimate for over 2 years. She knows I’m not straight and is having a hard time accepting that. Does any of this resonate with you? I’d really like to read your thoughts. If you’re mid-Kinsey like me, how have you worked things out? Even if you haven’t posted on Empty Closets before, please log in and write.
Whether we identify as gay, straight, or in between life has a way to provide challenges. For me the question is to find a path that does not harm others but allows me to be myself. For bisexual men a big challenge is to be true to oneself without hurting others. It is not easy to do depending on your family circumstances. I have only been attracted to men and it might seem easier from a distance but has its own challenges.
Hello, @Qrex9871. I can't speak from a man's perspective, but as a bisexual woman, I do feel that isolation of not quite being one or the other. I'm happy with being who I am, even if sometimes being me has been a source of great pain and suffering. I'm okay with my bisexuality. I think ultimately what feels isolating is how others perceive those of us who aren't either/or. There are many gay and straight people who are wonderful, who accept and embrace us amongst them. Unfortunately, there are also others whom dislike us/have misconceptions about us because of bad experiences they've had or hearsay, who tend to shun us. I think, if you are bisexual (as it seems to be), it's important to seek validation from within. You can't please everyone, you can't be liked by everyone--but you can learn to like and accept yourself, and in so doing, draw others to you. Others who, regardless of their own orientations, will value you for who you are and what you are, knowing that the latter doesn't define the whole person. And likewise, you will find others who share your middle-of-the-road experience, who will understand your feelings and struggles and in so doing, help you work through them (and hopefully find the same comfort from you). As to your wife... Well, it can take time. What would you say is the thing she's struggling with most? Perhaps in allowing her to express her fears and assuaging them in kind, she will come to be more accepting. No doubt it's a bit of a shock after all this time, but with the right attitude and open, honest communication, you'll hopefully be able to work through it.
Hey I am not in the same position as such but I am curious when you say you are not repulsed by the thought of being intimate with a woman do you mean you actively enjoy it (or have in the past) or just that it doesn't completely repulse you?
Yes, what you say totally resonates with me. Way too gay to be straight, too straight to be fully gay. I wobble between the gay and bisexual labels. It would be nice to not feel like you are divided between two worlds but a part of neither.
@calmac , you summed up my feelings so well and so simply! Part of being myself is to be true to my values, including being honest and respectful. I’m in search of that path.
Hi @BiGemini87 - Thanks for asking, and for sharing your thoughts. My wife is totally straight, so it’s hard for her to understand how I could be in love with her but be also sexually drawn to men. As a consequence, and most unfortunately, distance has grown between us and we haven’t had sex for several years. I keep doing things for her, like bringing her flowers, massaging her feet when we watch TV, and trying to connect with her in conversation. We know we need to rebuild the trust between us; it’s not easy.
I feel the same way. I'm generally much more interested in and attracted to other men, but I'm also formerly married and find women sexy sometimes. It's difficult for men like us because of the common view that sexuality can only be "gay" or "straight," which makes it hard to relate to other people regardless of their sexuality. Not sure if there's a solution, but I think it's good you're open with your wife about it.
Great replies indeed. I don't think being gay or straight is always clearly black and white. There are many shades of gray inbetween.
Hi @silverhalo - Since I’m trying to make my (hetero) marriage work but we’re having problems, I’m celebate for now. My thoughts and fantasies lately have been all about being with men so lately I’ve been learning toward identifying as gay. But reading what gay men have posted on Empty Closets about never having been truly interested in sex with women, I realized that’s not me. One man posted something about not being interested in the body of a naked woman, and I think someone used the word “repulsed". That’s definitely not me. I get the impression that some gay people feel the same disdain about straight sex that some straight people feel about gay sex. Again, definitely not me - I’ve done it with men and women and the sexual experience was the same.
@Qrex9871 Totally get it. I have been married in the past and am currently married. I don't feel repulsed and I can view my wife as a sexual being and enjoy being with her. But, it just so happens outside of that I happen to feel more attracted to men.
Not a problem. I was only asking because sometimes gay people can be not repulsed by sex with the opposite sex but just not really interested so I wondered if that were more the case but now you have elaborated I can see that.
Hi Qrex9871 I totally understand how you feel. I'm new here too, joined EC just four days before you. I'm discovering there are a lot of us that live in the gray zone between gay and straight. My wife left me and our kids after 24 years of marriage, struggled with debilitating mental health issues. The divorced 5 years ago has finally given me some space to work through feelings I've had since childhood. I'm sexually drawn to both sexes, but I'm discovering those attractions lean stronger to men than women. I've never had a same-sex relationship so I'm not sure how it will be for me. Others here have encouraged me to be patient and I think that is sound advice. I just signed up for a dating site and I'm trying to meet a guy so I can finally explore this side of my life. Coming out just to this group has freed me from a lot of guilt and shame. My feelings have evolved in just the past few weeks. I'm glad you're still able to work through this with your spouse. If you love her and she loves you and can fully accept the feelings you have, then things might work out. You both will need to decide if that means monogamy or something different and if that works for you. Time will tell, so be patient and open to where this journey takes you. I wish you and your wife peace and good fortune on this journey.
@Qrex9871 I am a bisexual, in my early sixties, who came out to my wife of nearly 40 years about 6 years ago. She has been very supportive. After coming out, we upped the level of our intimacy for awhile. My wife was trying to make that part of the marriage work. But, she lost her sex drive completely about 20 years ago. So, she just couldn't keep that up. We decided to open the marriage for me to see men. I had a few casual relationships and then found a FWB that I was with for three years. He became a part of the family and my wife adores him. He is a lot younger and recently moved on although we remain very close...he still stays at our house a couple days a week. Through all of this process I made an effort to be out, as a bisexual, with the local LGBT community. I met a couple dozen men close to me in age. Mostly, these friendships are platonic. I find I get a lot of value being able to be "gay" when I feel like it. It, often, is like I must put on the straight hat or the gay hat when I head out. I think that's just a function of where we are as a society. It's OK for me right now. If your wife is OK with you having platonic gay friends, I would highly recommend having that outlet.
