I'll try to make this brief. Married man of 11 years, 2 kids, decided to split with wife a few week ago. In the process of finding my own place right now and happy to begin the process of coming out as a gay man (finally) at the age of 34. So, since basically cutting myself off from my wife, it's been pretty lonely I my separate room in the house. I started looking at gay dating apps to see what was out there and to possibly start talking to people. Yeah, apparently conversations is a lost art form EXCEPT for one man. After talking and texting for a week, I had a day away from home and decided to meet with him. Turns out we are complete opposites. Only 3 years difference but he's been out since high school, very youthful, not tied down and experienced. I'm a teacher, much more stable and inexperienced. However, we connected like I've never connected before. He listens to all of my problems, offers advice, and even let me cry in front of him. Yes, we had sex. And afterward, he actually fell asleep next me (which he admits he never has done before). I've been told on other forums that I need to explore, open myself up to meeting new people and not jump back into a relationship. But I can't help but feel like I don't want him to slip away. I cheated quite a bit in my marriage (which I regret so much) so in a way I feel like I am done with exploring and ready to be with someone I actually have very strong feelings for. He even told me he almost wanted to stop talking to me because he has very strong feelings for me but realizes he needs me to go out and explore. My heart says take the leap with this new guy but my head says no. I'm so torn.
Hi @Brianm. I'm glad you've made a connection even with all the big feelings about it! My two cents: it sounds like you're both cautiously excited. Why not explore it more with this person? If you both decide to not have a serious relationship later you can always continue to explore dating on your own. What's there to loose by trying to make a go of it (even if it's slow?)? If he's been out longer, maybe he can help you integrate more openly into the local community as well? Are you worried this is a rebound?
If you cheated quite a bit, you are probably more than "inexperienced?" How long have you been out? Are you over your coming out high? If yes, then you are ready to date. If no, I would proceed with caution because you are not ready to date and it will most likely not end well. The coming out high clouds most people's judgement and they tend to make bad dating decisions until they stabilize after the coming out high. One reason to play the field is to figure out your type of guy. If you think he is your type and you are over the coming out high, then it probably makes sense to date him. Best of luck!
I worry that my feelings may not be genuine because this is one of my first really serious connections with a man. Although during a trial separation years ago, I did talk to and meet up with a few other men and they NEVER felt like this. Along with that, I have not come out completely. Many people do know but I have yet to let everyone know. However, I feel the same way. The way I am approaching this with him is "can we take this slow and build our relationship. Can we call ourselves good friends with the possibility of more in the future?" And he's agreed to it. Thing is, at least right now, I have no desire to meet anyone but him. I could start playing the field but I don't want to. I've been looking into reaching out to the local Pride center the next town over to meet people and honestly just get out of my house every once and awhile. Lol. But I don't have the goal of meeting "that special someone" with this. Is it possible to have found someone so quickly after separating and deciding to come out? I'm starting to feel like it is and I'm dedicated to not rushing into anything yet also leaving space open for more later on.
Hey Brianm, I would say that it is often the case that when you find a romantic/sexual relationship so quickly after leaving a previous relationship (especially one that has such a long history), the new relationship is most likely a rebound relationship (i.e. you somewhat 'desperately' looking the fill the gap in your life that resulted from separating from your wife) and is unlikely to last. However, it sounds like this guy may be willing to just be a new friend and, in this case, one with whom you can feel free to talk about your sexuality and the LGBTQ community. If both of you can step back and refocus on your relationship as one that is strictly a close friendship, what would be the harm? In fact, it sounds like that might be a really good thing for you.
Yes, it's possible but as QR points out and I alluded to, most relationships started on the rebound or soon after coming out don't have staying power, so it's good you are starting slow. Since you're into this guy, then go for it. Best case you'll have a friend and possibly more. Worst case you'll learn about gay relationships and start to refine your type.
What exactly do you mean by "take a leap"? Propose marriage, move in together, represent yourselves as a couple to the world, go on a date? If you've only known him a couple of weeks and had sex with him once (as I understand your post) then only the last option makes sense. I happen to be running a system scan on my computer at the moment to figure out if corrupted files can be fixed ... the window showing me the progress keeps telling me "verification phase." I think that applies to you and this guy as well.
I guess not just dating but possibly dating exclusively. I've talked extensively with him about what is going on between us and we have decided to take things slow, let it build, have a strong friendship (with benefits) with each other and if it builds to something more, all the better.
That makes sense ... as you no doubt know the strong feelings cool over time and when that occurs you'll have a different perspective on things ... so it's a good idea not to let your fantasies run ahead of reality ... enjoy the emotional high and these great moments but remember that they won't last forever and that making something last past the initial rush requires a lot of time and effort to build a foundation for a relationship.
Hi Brianm- I would just caution you on a couple things. One is your possible plan to 'take things slow with him' while simultaneously being 'friends with benefits.' Friends with benefits is just that, and rarely morphs into a real relationship. And often in this set up one person is far more invested, hoping it in fact DOES morph from FWB to REAL VALID relationship. And ends up getting hurt in the process. Also, you mention you two are complete opposites. Do you mean opposites as in he enjoys spending his spare time playing soccer and you prefer visiting art museums? Or do you mean opposites as far as core values and beliefs? Lots is changing in your life right now, as you say you are finally living as a gay man. You are moving into your own place. Your financial picture is likely going to change. You will be working out co-parenting with your wife. And you mention you are a teacher so you are coming right up against the start of the school year. I think it is very cool you have met someone you connect with so well, I would just try to keep everything in perspective. All the best to you!
