So I'm always on a few hookup apps just browsing, kinda trying to get myself pysched up to get a FWB or a relationship. Anyway, I go on this app I haven't been on forever and this guy who is 3 miles away messages me. Now I don't have a pic just a username and age. I get nervous, dont know if I should respond because I don't feel confident and feel like people won't understand my life situation (I'm a 41 year old virgin who has ADD lives at home because I have trouble keeping anything more than a basic job. Also I'm 150lbs overweight and have psorasis), so I type "Hey your cute" then I type "still confused about my sexuality, if you want to talk we can but don't expect much". I send him two headshots and ask if he's still interested. He replies "sure why not" then I we talk for one or two sentences and it stops for a second. This is where I normally freak out that this is going ok and might lead to something but he doesn't know my issues and this won't end well. So I tell him pretty much that and then tell him about my issues. He says no problrm, I understand I live with my mom and have high functioning autism. I have NVLD as well and they share symptoms. We talk about our jobs and he works at Walmart and I work at Home Depot. I complain a bit about my job and he tells me Walmart is better and more accomdating and I should apply. We talk about how experienced we are with relationships. He's more experienced 2 boyfriends kissing and oral but no sex. Me I got none of that. I say I'm happy I can be myself around you. You understand my personal and sexuality issues. And he replies that he gets it he lives the same as me everyday. Basically, it feels like a trap..too good to be true something will go wrong. Feels like he may be telling me what I want to here sure I have something similar to you...blah blah blah His Instagram was linked so I got his full name and was able to research him s bit. He lives about 10 minutes away, it appears with his mother and grandmother based on the ages. He is ok looking. He has one pic that's kinda cute but otherwise nothing to write home about. I feel so scared but I don't know if I will be able to find this kind of person again if I don't persue this. What do I do? Based on his profile, it seems like he may be looking for a boyfriend but I'm not sure I want anything romantic with him. Just some mutually beneficial happiness lol and maybe a friend.
Sounds like it is going well chatting via the app. And that you’ve figured out he is a real person living in your area. How have you been to him? Has he said he likes you understanding his life/issues? If you are already being a friend to him, that is great. When you ask “should we meet” what kind of meeting. What would each of you imagine is the next step? Conversation over coffee? Going to a movie? Going to antique stores or yard sales? Attending a political rally? Figuring out what might be fun and different about how you meet might be a good step. Keep posting here, it helps to have a community which can help you through your jitters.
Maybe you should meet in a public place and chat with this guy, say over coffee or dinner? Then let the connection grow from there. Meeting him in real life should answer the questions that you have (and meeting in public first is safer than a hookup).
If I were you, I would meet for coffee only and in a public place in the middle of the day, maybe between lunch and dinner. That way you can get a better sense of who he is and what you both might be interested in. You can then arrange another meeting if you're interested and he is too.
I must concur with the others, always meet in a public place. I've broken this rule myself but I've been lucky. But the best thing about meeting in a public place is if things go south you can just walk away if he starts making a scene and there won't be any negative repercussions.
I echo the above - suggest meeting somewhere public (and honestly maybe even for the next few dates, if this one goes well). Then if he isn't who he says he is, you don't click, or just get bad vibes you can make up an excuse and leave whenever If you don't tell him where you live and you stay in a public place, then even if it is too good to be true, it would be THAT much of a nightmare.
Ok, I am not out, if he makes a scene in a local coffee shop that would be bad. I'm now thinking, Skype from my car. I live at home and I'm not out to even my parents. Also perhaps this is what I am scared of, someone said "for the next couple dates". Holy fuck, this is a date, I'm going on a date with a dude..ok, wow.
Well, you don't have to meet with him at all if it makes you uncomfortable. Don't do something that makes you uncomfortable, especially within the confines of our kind of lifestyle.
You are meeting a guy for coffee or dinner. It's not a date at this stage. You are simply meeting the guy to see if he's accurately representing himself online and whether there's mutual interest for friendship or a hookup. If you click, it may turn into more, but that's down the road. You are letting your mind invent reasons not to do this. Please understand that you'll need to push yourself to do scary things that are outside your comfort zone as part of your journey of discovering your authentic sexuality. I'm not saying it's going to be easy at first but doing the scary stuff is required to get to the other side.
Sorry lol. I realize I am speaking from a place of privilege - it doesn't necessarily mean you'll be outted. I've been on tons of dates, and my bf& I have gotten comments about our gfs, if we have dates lined up after, waiter splitting the bill anyways even though we ask for one etc etc
Apparantly, I waited too long, either he found someone or gave up because he's no longer on either of the 2 apps. He has been on one of them forever, I see him everytime I open it. Guess it shows, I should just try it and stop worrying about whether something is going to work out. The only thing I do think I need to do is make sure I'm safe. From being outed and otherwise.
I'm sorry that this guy is not in the picture for you. Guys go in and out of the apps and block others for a variety of reasons including their own inability to follow through and accept their sexuality. I was an app user. So, I can't take the high ground here. But, I can't help but feel you need to address your sexuality more openly to really learn to feel good about yourself. The apps will NOT do this. Some guys will say anything to get some. You are blaming yourself because you didn't connect. This is another reason to avoid the apps. Again. Is there anyway you can join a group like a meetup to do a hike, or walk, or mutual hobby? Something that allows you to be gay in a safe environment. I get the need for intimate contact with a man. But, along with this, there are aspects of being gay that you will discover just being around other gay folks. Good luck!
