I have been unwilling on creating this thread, but I feel I have to talk about it. My mental state is not very good. My intrusive thoughts haven't gone away. I still get thoughts that are saying that I'm worthless and there is no hope and I experience shifts in my mood, like intense sadness out of nowhere. I had one depressive episode where I really saw like everything turned dark before my very eyes and ever since then it all has been downhill. I've had plentiful of times, where I thought what would happen, if I would just throw myself in front of a moving truck or car, or would jump off a bridge and so on. Lately I have realized that these thoughts of mine are not good and I need to talk about it and seek help. Even though I have no intension of ending my life I still fear my own thoughts. I fear that something somewhere would click and I would make this decision. When people say good things about me, like you're not worthless and are kind and amazing person, then my brain wont register it. I hear it, but don't think so myself. For the information: I am seeing a psychiatrist and am taking anxiety medication. I decided to let my psychiatrist refer me to a psychologist too at my next appointment.
I'm so sorry to read this. I feel often similar, I haven't started my medication yet though, I've been hesitant because of work. Having the kinds of thoughts you're having is understandably disturbing for you, but I'm very happy to read you have no intention of listening to some of the worse ones. I hope that remains the case but if it doesn't please seek help straight away. Maybe alongside being anxious, you're also experiencing depression? I have experience of both too, and it can severely affect my quality of life. It sounds like this is happening for you. I'm happy you made this thread though. Talking helps. Being honest about your feelings helps. If I hold things inside they feel 1000x worse than if I share them with somebody friendly or who I trust. I unfortunately relate a lot to the feelings of worthlessness, despite people saying otherwise. That's one of the hardest thoughts for me. But I'm not worthless, you're not worthless, and depression and anxiety can be managed and controlled with the right help. Please keep talking to your psychiatrist and seeking other professional help, that's a very important thing you can do for yourself right now.
Thank you @Cinnamoon Some information was left out. I do have depression. My anxiety medication is the kind that also helps with that and should help with ADHD what I have been certain I have, since I can't focus and tend to forget stuff. I can only take half of the pill though, since otherwise I get side effects, but the medication have been helping me. I'm not as anxious anymore and can focus a bit more, but still do get anxiety and panic attacks. I have another anxiety medication that I can take, when things get really bad. I took a lot of online tests too about being suicidal and every single one said that I am and have possibly bipolar disorder too. While these tests are not there to give you a diagnosis, then it was something of a wake up call, that I need to talk about it all, since my mood can shift to the extremes too. Feel like I'm overall a mess, since there is a lot of things going on. I have started to feel scared when cars pass me on the street, since I have been in an accident twice and was almost hit once too. I also tend to make sure I quickly cross the bridge, when I need to, so no unwanted thoughts come to mind. I will keep talking to my psychiatrist. I just hope they are not transphobic, since I just recently came out to them as trans and they said they need to consult to a psychologist about it. My next appointment is in July. I can't really afford therapist on my own, without getting referred to one by my psychiatrist, since I do struggle financially. I did apply for a job, that has a lot of benefits (like psychological help) and is a dream job, but I might not get hired.
That's okay. I hope I could help even a tiny bit. I'm not a professional so I can't help as much as someone who is of course, but I would definitely advise you to keep trying to find help and to keep going if you can. Some things you're saying sound very positive, you're struggling financially but you're exploring career options. Even if this opportunity doesn't work out, there'll be others. As for your current symptoms, again, I wish I could help more. It definitely helps to be honest to a psychiatrist or psychologist about these though. Please try to be as open as you can about how you're feeling to them, I know you can't afford one on your own but it's a really positive thing that you're seeking that kind of help.
You did help just by listening, so thank you. I needed to vent these thoughts and get them out. I will do my best to be as open about it all as I can.
Rain, I wish I a surefire way to make these thoughts disappear for you, unfortunately I don't. I'm here for you though, and wish I could help more than I actually can.
@Rayland, I don't have much to offer in the way of practical advice, but I wanted you to know I read your update and I hope for the absolute best for you. I think you're doing the right thing and I hope you can focus on that process, even if the end goal is still a little farther away. You listened to your thoughts and feelings and took them seriously so you can get better. I think that's amazing; That's absolutely a worthwhile choice, every time. Some of us aren't so mindful and ignore those feelings, to our detriment. There's an old quote, "If you're going through hell, keep going." You can do this man, we're here for you.
Thank you for reading it and for the quote. There is another quote similar: "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." I will do my best. It's the best to talk about these things and venting about it has made me feel a bit better about it all. I really need to take care of my mental health and this is what I'm going to focus on doing.
