Hi everyone! I want to make clear that I, myself, and not suffering from mental health issues but that some of my friends are which is what I need some advice on. This might be a bit long so bare with me. I would say that about 3 to 4 of my college friends have some mental health disorders, mainly anxiety disorders and depression. I am known to most of my friends and acquaintances as someone who is a very good listener and who usually has pretty good advice. I really try to help my friends out by letting them talk their hearts out to me or if they don't want to do that then we go and do something adventurous to take their minds off it. So basically my friend are always coming to me for help, which I am very glad they do because mental illness is not something to be downsized or taken lightly. Lately though, one of my friends has gotten worse and has been exuding so much negativity and general meanness that I don't know what to do anymore! For example, last night she was having bad thoughts so I suggested we go to dinner for all you can eat tacos and she instantly perked up. We took another friend along with us as well. When we were navigating to the restaurant (using my phone) google maps took us in the wrong direction for a couple blocks. I told them and they both just kind of exploded in anger. It was really strange because it only increased our walking time by a couple minutes. Our other friend (who doesn't seem to have any mental health issues to my knowledge) started swearing at me and insulting me and just ranting about how my "phone sucks" and how she "couldn't believe me". And then my friend who was having the anxiety joined right in and started saying the same things and just being verbally hostile. So I just kind of kept walking/navigating and ignored them but I was really hurt. Then when we were eating they were talking about strip clubs they've been to. They asked me whether I had ever gone to one and I said no, but that I would not go to one anyways. They got very defensive when I tried to explain to them that strip clubs denigrate women and other disproportionately affected groups of people because of their socioeconomic status. They were trying to say that I should go to support the women that are there but I was saying that by going to strip clubs you are feeding the system and that you could help them in a different way rather than participate in the reason that many are trapped in that situation. They then proceeded to get very angry and insulting and tried to debate me but I was having none of that and told them so. After that they told me that I probably just don't like strip clubs because I'm straight (one is bi and one is gay). And I didn't say anything to that so she kept incessantly prodding and said "right?..." and she kept asking a few more times. Then the other one said do you like guys or girls or both? And I just changed the subject. I felt like I was under attack because they have questioned me in a similar way in the past and don't seem to let it go. I just felt very uncomfortable. If I feel like telling you, I'll tell you. This really just ruined my night. I'm still completely baffled by their behavior. How did it go from a fun taco night to the bizarre night that actually occurred? I saw my anxiety-prone friend today again and she was very negative and unhappy. I feel kind of pulled down by all of this negativity and ill-will and I feel that the way I've been treated has really affected me. But should I be attributing it to the mental illness? I understand that mental illness makes people different from their real selves so I am trying to see what happened with that perspective. It's just that most of the time I am around people like this I also become unhappy and weighted down by their anxiety. I just don't know how healthy all of this is for me. I told my friend to see a counselor a week or so ago so hopefully that helps.
I agree with Chip. Helping a friend through a tough time is fine - but if the negativity is overwhelming, and you can't provide them with the help they need, no harm referring them to counselors, etc. (as you've done) and drawing a line for yourself. You need to take care of you, too!
If you take on the role of caregiver/helper/friend to people with mental illness... well it can be very tricky and get very draining. However, I think those of us who are stable and blessed enough not to have a mental illness should befriend at least a couple of people struggling with it. Some things that have helped me... Learn about their mental illness(es). Listen a lot. Accept them as they are, but draw boundaries as to what types of behaviour you will or will not accept. (eg no phone calls before 8am or after 9pm unless they are in severe crisis, no swearing at me) Keep the visits short (about 2 hrs max.) and in a location where you can leave if need be. Don't expect much in return emotionally, but let them pull their own weight as much as possible (eg paying for their own lunch). Direct them to professional help. Don't be disappointed if you cheer them up one day, but they're back to square 1 the next day. They'll generally have steeper ups and downs than we have. Be calm and gentle, but firm if needed. Expect that you may occasionally be embarrassed in public by their outbursts. Affirm them often for their good points. Be positive but don't overdo that when they are feeling down. Once you are friends ask them what they need from you, and then tell them what you can give. As time goes on, give them the gift of confiding in them about some of your own weaknesses/problems IF they want to know (some don't), and tell them what you appreciate about them. Some may abuse your best intentions, and you may have to back off for your own sanity's sake. For others, your friendship will be an anchor and lifeline. Yes, you may have to make a few trips to the emergency ward in the middle of the night, but some will actually get better over time. Just don't take on too much. Look after your own mental health! and good on you for caring Hej!
Thank you everyone. I'm just worried that if I do back off then they'll feel like I abandoned them. How do I draw the line if they are abusing my intentions without doing damage to them?
People with mental illnesses are emotionally fragile, but that doesn't mean we should tread on eggshells around them in an attempt to insulate them from the realities of life, and one of those realities is that you treat people with basic courtesy and respect. It's very easy to put bad behaviour down to the illness and to some extent it may be true that the illness is causative, but that doesn't mean you ignore or excuse what is happening. If it needs to be challenged, it should be challenged. I agree with the other posters.. It's great that you have been there, it's great that you have listened and tried to help and you have definitely been a crutch to lean on, but at some point the crutch needs to be withdrawn, otherwise it creates dependency. If things are still bad a better solution to their problems needs to be explored and that probably means counselling or medical/psychiatric care. You are not being selfish by drawing a line and refusing to tolerate abuse and endless negativity. Time to consider yourself.
As someone with depression/anxiety issues and very polarised thinking, I would not expect my friends to deal with me if I was being difficult. Today I had a mild panic attack and ended up crying in the middle of my French lesson, and during break time that followed the lesson, I went to a music practice room, put on my Wicked CD, and just listened to a song a few times to calm down. One of my friends stayed with me, but I told her that she didn't have to. All of my friends know that if I'm too much, they don't have to try and support me. I don't want to depress them, or upset them. I have methods to at least calm down a bit. You don't owe your friends anything; if they are causing you misery, ditch them, because your mental wellbeing is as important as theirs. I don't use my mental illness as an excuse to upset my friends, and neither should yours.
I agree with all of the above. You deserve better than to be treated like that, regardless of what your friends are going through. I completely understand how you're feeling as my sister can get like that. But long term negativity can give you your own problems. Look after your own mental health too You don't have to be the only support whenever they need it. It's okay to be busy and say no. It's also unlikely you're their only coping strategy. Most people have a support network. And if you are? They need to share it out a bit more, or get professional help. ResidentTheatreKid - You are officially awesome. Hej you need friends like them
