Hey everyone I have a question that may be a little odd, but who knows. So what if a gay man (me), had a slight frame, just smaller and skinnier than most guys around me, had no body hair to speak of, and what if he wore panties almost always, and sometimes wore skirts and heels and such. Would that man (me) be able to refer to himself properly, as a gay male, still? Or should he (me), be using some other term to refer to myself as?
Only you can choose your labels, if you wish to even have them. There are some gay fetish communities that would provide possible labels such as femboy or even sissy, but gay man works just as well. I could adopt the label bear but, while I have the attributes (hairy, large, not young), it doesn't appeal to me.
Thanks for your reply. Maybe I should frame up and ask a different question a different way. I can go either way. I can grow some stubble on my face and pump some iron for awhile and I can go out looking "manly". Or I can keep my face waxed and or shaved and not build muscle and dress femininely, and go out as a feminine guy or what some would call a femboy. Thing is, I am attracted to masculine men - strong men. So naturally, I want to be attractive to those masculine men. But I feel like being a feminine guy or a "femboy", that I won't be attractive to those masculine men. I fear that my feminine body and that I do wear panties and feminine things, I may not be able to rightfully be "in" the gay community. Maybe not go out to gay clubs and bars and such hoping to attract those masculine men. Maybe I should do a poll and ask how many masculine men are attracted to feminine guys. I hate labels really. I feel a person encompasses waaaay more than what a single label can adequately give. But in this case, I think I sort of need a label.
It's entirely possible you're non-binary. Also I believe there are gay people who are attracted to masculine or feminine traits or both. Don't feel you have to limit yourself based on the belief that you have to act a certain way to be gay.
Thanks Sammy, but it's not really about being gay, I have always been attracted to men. It's more about how I should present myself and what I should call myself, to those masculine men that I want to be attracted to me. But maybe my whole question is a misnomer, because, people are people at the end of the day, gay, straight, masculine, feminine or whatever other - and each person has their own tastes and you cant be every thing to every body.
Expression doesn't change how you identify. If you identify as a man, you're a man regardless of what you wear or what your sexuality is. If you want to use sexual identities such as femboy, twink, etc that's up to you and has nothing to do with gender identity.
The important thing is that you're you, however that manifests. Trying to be anything other than you will lead to frustration and unhappiness, I tell this to you as someone who tried to be straight for 23 years. There are definitely muscle men who like more feminine men, and others that don't. The ones that don't, well they don't matter to you. Personally I prefer more masculine men, but there have been some very feminine men who've caught my eye. Choosing labels will help to some degree as those looking for people matching the labels will find you more easily. I don't think there are any labels that will draw muscular men only, but perhaps a dating site where you can describe yourself and what you're looking for will help?
Hi there! If you are disliking labels and they don't capture a person adequately as you have pointed out, how come you are looking for one? From the sounds of it, you know your sexual orientation and know that you tend to be feminine. You have all the 'labels' you need. The only label you might want to add is: 'this is me.' It might be worthwhile to work on your self-confidence before trying to come up with a label. It doesn't matter how you label yourself, what matters is how confident you are in yourself and how you talk about yourself. If you are secure in yourself, know your values, your fears of how others see you or whether they would want to be with you will disappear.
This is all good advice, and I appreciate all of the comments, really. Mirko... you ask why i seek a label when i don't like them.. that is a gooood question, and really, i think, it's more for describing myself in online venues. I do like alot of forums and to hang out and chat with others, and a label def. will help when describing myself to others. PLUS, i spend ALOT of time in second life, living there and dating ALOT. And for these online venues it's just easier to say "gay man" or "femboy" - but the two phrases are vastly different, and it matters for reasons that tearingtherose delved into some. *Holds up a finger* plus... even this advice all helps me if i go out somewhere. Like the things you say Mirko, in that, i know my target and those i hope to attract, but, will i put myself in a position where I am being a little fake with myself. Because really, being such a feminine guy as i am, I am not even sure i can get by in even trying to be masculine. So all of that boils down to the places I go, the people I hang with and the situations I set myself up with to meet others. It would make little sense for a femboy to go out to places known to be full of masculine men seeking other masculine men, just as it would make little sense for a masculine man seeking other masculine men to go to places or hang with those known to be femboys and tgirls. Again i am reminded that my question is a misnomer. But i did gather up some good thoughts from the folks here, and very thankful for all of those thoughts. I have to be me. And "me" may be a little more thoughtful about the places I go, the people I meet, and maybe now have honed it down to how to refer to myself online
Reading over your response and considering everything else you have mentioned, I get the sense you are overthinking this. From all that you have mentioned so far, I think you have the labels you need to describe yourself and connect with others with whom you would like to connect or get to know online and/or offline.
I am really super impressed and happy to have found a group of people so open and willing to chat. Thank you all once again. Keeping in mind this entire conversation, what if i throw one more little bit piece of info into the mix. I didn't mention it before, because I didn't want this aspect to skew any opinions. But there is one more aspect, that now, after reading through all of it, and having a clue now, i will go ahead and throw this in, and lets see how much this changes things, if at all - and maybe someone else will get a little enlightenment down the road also from all of this. Keeping in mind all of what has been said, what if i now add in that I have breasts. That i did hormones for awhile and wound up with darn near C cup breasts. Ah, now, would it be too much to refer to a "femboy" who has literal breasts, as a "femboy" anymore? What about that guy (me) who has all of those characteristics mention above, and has breasts also. Does this push a person out of the realm of femboy? I don't mean to use the words "I" and "me" and "self" so much, because i truly want and hope for others to also find value in this thread, btw. Because what i see in myself and others probably deal with, gives way to real gender dysphoria.
I don't think the presence of breasts really changes anything anyone has said. While you have gained yours from hormones, other men have them with conditions such as Gynaecomastia. You are you, and someone out there will love you for being you.
You've answered your own question. That man would be able to refer to himself as a man, of course. Wearing clothing most commonly denoted by Western society as 'female' does not you make a woman, any more than it makes drag performers women. Beth
Ah just seen your next post... Well, my question to you would be were you taking hormones in a genuine attempt to transition? You say 'for a while' - what made you stop? Now you've stopped taking them your body will gradually return to that of a regular cis male, I would expect. Beth x
I did take them because I thought I wanted to transition. Then i stopped them because I didn't want to go any further and was having a change of mind over doing it. Guess I didn't want to lose all of my masculinity. Not much has returned to regular cis male really. Still have the breasts, still have very light to no body hair and soft skin. I don't mind the breasts they can be mostly hidden when i want by wearing something that will compress them and then wearing something loose and larger over top of that. But all of this together does make me wonder what to refer to myself as now. I've had a few who have said, ohh, since you transitioned for awhile, that makes you a tgirl. Still others say, ohhh, you're still a femboy without the presence of masculine body hair and with the presence of breasts. Tearingtherose feels that having breasts still does not change it. I suppose what would change it would be if i were living completely as a female all the time and that would keep me in the tgirl category, however i don't. I still embrace the guy side of me along with the feminine side. I like dressing up in fashionable feminine clothes, but I also have an equal number of days I like dressing in guy clothes and just being a guy. And yet - i feel like the transitioning i did pushed me a little further away from the femboy category. I've popped in to a few places around the net and on reddit too, and asked the question, can a femboy have breasts and if he does, is he still a femboy? One line of answers & opinions suggests androgenous as well as intersex. The opinions i have seen are varied and i have seen others chime in admitting that they are in the same way as me and can't really put their finger on what to call themselves.
These are all labels you can choose to adopt, another you haven't mentioned is simply non-binary. I think we've moved past the idea that, possesors of physical attributes XYZ are automatically ABC. There are women with penisis, men with vaginas and a spectrum in beyween. It's how YOU choose to identify that matters!
Refer to yourself in whichever you that you want. There's no official body handing out certification here. There's no trans 'test' you have to pass (or flunk). To quote a godawful UK crustie band from the 90s: 'there's only way of life and that's your own, your own, your own'. Beth
This has been all really good advice, and you all are a good bunch of peoples for sure and i have enjoyed sharing some back and forth on this subject. Probably one of the best words I have seen for someone like myself would be bigender, or bi-gender. Not sure the difference between fluidgender and bigender though. Hope someone else gets some enlightenment, encouragement or maybe even a little bit of relief from reading this thread.
