Married lesbian: is divorce inevitable?

Welcome back Appley! (*hug*)

 

Appleby, I understand what you're going through as my wife was always my best friend but over the 23 years we were married, I became increasingly aware, as did she, that I had no interest in her sexually. When I came out to her I though we could find a way to stay together with an "alternate path" but my wife became militant about my leaving, which I did a month ago. We're not on the divorce track yet, but probably will be. I'm actually really angry and hurt that she took this route because I feel a lot is being thrown away. Even though I'm gay, I'm not interested in a relationship with a man right now and she doesn't want to date either. I thought we could have an arrangement for the little bit of time left before my youngest goes off to college. Honestly, I don't know if it's possible to avoid divorce for you but if staying together means you have to hide who you are, I would say that it wouldn't work.
And, I must disagree about the effect of divorce on kids. Even if the parents are great, divorce is extremely stressful and emotionally devastating and even if it yields a better end result, the adjustment period is full of emotional pitfalls. I have been out of the house for a month and my 17 year old son clearly is very very negatively affected by this change. It is not good in any way, shape or form.

And to OMGWTFBBQ, Ultimately though, l can't even kiss one and enjoy it and they KNOW because they aren't the idiot creatures some people think them to be.[/COLOR] that's a good thing you said about us?, or do some people think the idiot creatures are just the straight guys?

 

I'm in the same exact situation as you and have been married almost 8 years and have a 7 year old daughter involved. We are best friends and get along great besides the lack of sex frustration. We have been living in separate bedrooms for the past 5.5 years and not had sex but once in the past 5 years! I desire sex with women desperately, but haven't cheated. It's so tough girl, I can really sympathize! You are not alone.

 

Oh Appley... I've just read through your thread and I can totally relate.

I had been with my partner for nearly 6 years when we ended things few months ago. I had always considered myslef a bi girl who lived a hetero life but liked gay porn. Then I fell in love with a woman and everything developed from there. All of a sudden it became obvious why all my heter relationships were disastrous, why sex with men was so... icky. Amazing how strong denail can be, eh?

Anyway, I completely understand the internal conflict you are going through. Even though I didn't want to sleep with my partner ever again (and I desperately wanted to sleep with a woman!) the idea of losing someone I loved was too hard to face.

As it would happen, the relationship got so bad over time as he became increasingly resentful over the lack of sex (amongst other things) he ended it for me.

I was in shock at first, then I was devastated, then I eventually realised he'd done me a favour. We weren't happy together. We were never going to be. A marriage without sex may be normal when you are elderly but not in the early years. By staying together not only was I denying myself the opportunity to find my happy life but I was preventing him from finding his too.

I don't know what you're relationship is like, only you know that, but you need to ask yourself a few questions:

• Am I happy?
• Is my husband happy?
• Can I be happy if I never have a sexual relationship ever again?
• Can my husband?
• Is there any likelihood that I will be sexually attracted to him again (and this is a toughie, because we want to believe it so badly)?

Counselling is really great to help you think and feel things through. It cannot fix every relationship but it can help you reach the right decision. I hope you two find the right answer to make you both happy. XX

 

I have little insight to add, and only a moment to write this but I feel compelled to respond on thsi thread.

I am in a very similar place. I am 23, mum of a two year old and married to a man who is without a doubt my best friend, and who I cannot bear to think of as not a part of my life but whom does not make me happy. He does not know I am not straight. I have been miserable for a long time and can barely look at him when he kisses me, and have been excusing myself from sex as much as possible...although guilt is making me feel it is a wife's duty. I have only this week started therapy to come out to myself and work on how to go forward with this.

I just wanted to say that your thoughts and fears really resonated with me. You're not alone and I hope this site and your therapy can help you through this time.

 

Divorce is never inevitable. Neither is marriage. Don't fall into passivity and let life happen to you. You must decide what to do based on many factors, not the least of which is the effect your decision will have on others.

 

I think this is muchbof the issue, especially in my case. I am desperately unhappy, and have been for a very long time but all I can think of is how I shouldn't, how I can't, accept myself or come out because of effect it would have on others.

It would destroy my husband. He is happy, somehow - despite my obvious misery, which he thinks is normal marital issues that I will 'get over' (it's up to me you see, seen as I am the unahppy one). It would impact on how much time he could spend with his daughter. He is talking about trying for more children. It impacts on everything he thinks his life will entail hereon out.

It impacts my daughter in every single area of her life and it forever would. She will never know her parents together. She will never know us as a family. And if we go on to have our own families then will she ever have one pleace she truly belongs? It kills me to think of how negatively it could impact her.

And this is all just about a seperation. I can't even begin to think about the effects of my coming out would have on them and my wider 'world'.

There are days I am certain I am selfish enough to walk away and be honest to myself, where staying is so crushigly difficult I cannot imagine living like this a moment longer. I feel trapped, down to that fist around my heart. I am miserable but then most of the time I resign myself to the fact I will never be able to do this to them.

 

Wow! I've just came across this site through this thread.... It's like I've written it myself :/
I've been with my husband 17 years and we have children, I honestly thought I was straight until I was 21! Even though my friends knew different as I recently told them and the reply was 'I was more shocked when you had kids' lol, looking back all the signs were there but I didn't get it.... I thought I could live with it or maybe it would go away but no my attraction to women is so bad sometimes I feel like a teenager again.
There seems to be too many peoples happiness at stake for me to come out properly to my husband ( he thinks it was a phase ). I'm thinking if I can either get through another few years when my kids will be older and I can sort myself out or just continue a forever unhappy life, which to be perfectly honest I think my husband would be quite happy with.
Good luck to you appley & everyone else. x

 

Dear Appley,
I know exactly what you are going through. It is incredibly difficult to imagine what life will be like without your partner.
When I came out to my husband a couple of months ago, things changed between us. He physically withdrew from me in a way that really hit me. We were not sleeping together but we still had a closeness.
I feel so alone now, it is hard to deal with. I sometimes wish I had never said anything to him. However, what is done, is done! I think it is the uncertainty that is the worst part. If you are not part of any community and only have straight friends, it feels like you are on your own.
When you read these threads you realise how many others are going through similar situations. I hope you find peace and are able to move forward with your life. X