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Married in the closet

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Chris71, Jul 23, 2020.

  1. Chris71

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    I’m a 49 year old man. I’ve been married to a woman for most of my adult life. I have always known I was gay but for religious reasons among other things I’ve never been able to come out. I am currently in my second marriage. We have been married for 10 years. She is very good to me. Always treats me with respect and puts my needs before hers. I’m not sure if I’m having a midlife crisis or what but for the past 4 or 5 years It’s gotten increasingly difficult to deal with this situation. I’ve been sad. I’ve been having thoughts that life is passing me by. Feeling like I’m missing out on something. What I don’t know. My wife and her family are very homophobic so it seems impossible that I could ever come although that is what I would really like to do. I don’t want to hurt my wife. I just don’t know what to do.
     
  2. Nickw

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    Hey @Chris71

    Welcome to EC. You will find that your situation is pretty common to many of us on this forum as we come to the realization, later in life, that we are bisexual or gay. We all have a little bit different story but there are many issues that we share.

    I came out to my wife as bisexual when I was in my mid-fifties after we were together for over 30 years. It was the most difficult thing that I had ever done. I know, too well, the stress that you feel as you discover how important your same sex desires have become and how you can feel trapped.

    First of all, counseling can be extremely helpful at a time like this. It may be difficult during the pandemic to do this. But, if you don't have a therapist, I would highly recommend finding one. Especially one who is comfortable with issues of sexuality.

    Secondly, don't get into the hole of self blame for this. We don't chose our sexuality. We don't chose to lie to our partners. For many of us, the lie we have lived was created a little bit at a time and we didn't realize what was happening until we reach this point. Then we feel guilty for letting it go this long. Your sexuality is who you are and you don't need to apologize for it.

    Best of luck!
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    Exposure to the heteronormative script is a powerful force to content with. You have been told by your religion, possibly by family as well as other media outlets, friends, teachers, amongst others that you are supposed to be attracted to a woman. Trying to reconcile your true self with socialization messaging is very difficult and creates great internal conflict. Seeking protection from such conflict we build an emotional wall and learn to live life not based on our truth but based on what we perceive others expect from us.

    The question you now need to ask yourself is when will you decide to live your truth? There is great prospect for collateral damage to those you love, but when you live your truth they also begin to live their own truths as well. Both you and those around you are set free.

    Are you ready to begin living your truth?
     
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  4. Contented

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    As Onthehigway correctly points out breaking out of heteronormative brain washing is difficult and in most cases causes pain in the process. I think sometimes we are so consumed with the pain our acknowledgment of our sexuality will cause other we forget about our happiness. Living an unfulfilled unhappy life serves no one. Owning who we really are is a challenge worth embracing as the benefits outweigh the risks. We get one ride and need to make it the most reward we can with the time we have.
     
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  5. Sundara

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    Dear Chris71,
    I have similar situation with you. I am married with 3 kids and I am 46 years old. I am living in religious country in Indonesia where LGBT is a very sensitive issue.
    Since I entered to 40's years old I felt I was missing something in my life when I try to honest to myself that I like guys than women.
    If I were living in free country to LGBT may be I wouldn't get married to a woman but every person in my country has responsibility to religion and community that married is the most important to do.
    You are right when I was 42-43 years old I got my midlife crisis and all the things in my life were questioned.
    The first is love, I am feeling lonely until now, I want a love in my life because eventhought my wife loves me but I cant love her deeper as my imagine love to a man.
    I more comfortable to have my day with guy not woman. So sometimes I worry about my future and I don't have dream to spend rest of my life with her but I imagine with a man.
    For today, I enjoy my life with my wife and kids. I give her opportunity and I am waiting for a way to solve this problem even may be if I should died first.
     
    #5 Sundara, Jul 24, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2020
  6. Fuzzy

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    Divorce... think about your fear of life passing you by and now think about how she will feel blindsided at life having passed her by if you let this go longer.
     
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